{"id":70681,"date":"2013-10-05T14:00:19","date_gmt":"2013-10-05T18:00:19","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/?p=70681"},"modified":"2013-10-06T09:10:35","modified_gmt":"2013-10-06T13:10:35","slug":"its-ok-when-i-do-it-and-other-double-standard-delusions","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/polyamory\/its-ok-when-i-do-it-and-other-double-standard-delusions\/","title":{"rendered":"It\u2019s OK When I Do It and Other Double Standard Delusions"},"content":{"rendered":"

By Maria Padhila<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

A veritable epidemic of mendacity: that\u2019s the kind of phrase I\u2019d think I\u2019d need to be holding a glass of neat bourbon and wearing a bra slip to pull off, but unfortunately, today, it\u2019s a commonplace observance.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
Poly Paradise at Burning Man. Photo by Eric.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

We\u2019re in the midst of the shutdown animated by a deep commitment to the principle of \u201cWhen I do it, it\u2019s OK.\u201d The Teabagger faction says: Don\u2019t let government have anything to do with healthcare, but when I pass a law that lets me stick a probe up your vagina, it\u2019s OK. <\/p>\n

Don\u2019t scale back on White House tours, but when I shut down the National Park Service, it\u2019s OK. Don\u2019t use schools as a place to teach your liberal science, but when I want to hold Bible study and call it chemistry class, it\u2019s OK. <\/p>\n

Newt Gingrich to Pat Robertson: It\u2019s OK for me to dump dying partners and blabber about starting a colony on Mars, but that Obama, he\u2019s not acting \u201cpresidential.\u201d<\/p>\n

It goes on. And on. I\u2019ve been hearing so much double standard talk that I decided as usual to examine my own behavior first, and decided to write this week about double standards in polyamory. So I went to Google and typed in \u201cpolyamory double standard\u201d and up popped the Cunning Minx show on that very topic, in this very week.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

I swear that is exactly how it happened. I didn\u2019t intend to duplicate their subject matter. It just happened. And even so, it\u2019s OK if I do it.<\/p>\n

But back to the reals: the good part is her special guest on this episode of Poly Weekly<\/a> was PepperMint, the west coast poly writer and speaker whom I\u2019ve interviewed and quoted before and I really enjoy. (And I think people here have liked him, too; but if not, that\u2019s OK, because if it\u2019s OK for me, it\u2019s OK for everyone, right? This is actually one of the poly double standard pain points, but more on that later.)<\/p>\n

The two in this podcast discuss the cultural history of marriage and how double standards surface in monogamy. PepperMint recommends Marriage: A History<\/em> by Stephanie Coontz and observes that \u201ctraditional marriage\u201d really existed only through the 1950s and a little before and after, saying that in the image of marriage shaped then, \u201cthe man went to work, and the woman would hang around the house and use appliances,\u201d which made me laugh, in part because I really need a new blender.<\/p>\n

Then they look at how double standards show up in non-monogamy, and how to deal with them. Here are the takeaways and my take:<\/p>\n

The one man \/ two women model that many assume is typical for polyamory is an outgrowth of the double standard. Men are expected to play around and need variety and more sex; women are supposed to be more interested in security. I\u2019d add that his leaves out, of course, the many poly relationships that don\u2019t follow this model, not to mention the fact that the women in the triad might have a strong relationship and even be each others\u2019 primaries. I also think this is also borne out in the prevalence of the One Penis Principle (the OPP, yeah you know me), in which many new to poly or who want to try it lay down the law that many vaginas are fine, but only one alpha penis per poly pod, please.<\/p>\n

The two talk about the Hot Bi Babe myth and the scenario that nearly always shows up at parties and online groups and searches: a couple is searching for their one true love (the Hot Bi Babe, who is probably busy elsewhere. Cause if she\u2019s really bi, she\u2019s busy). Many books are crafted with this being the dominant (not in that sense) example of a relationship. What I see and hear as frustration with \u201cunicorn hunters\u201d (the couples searching for the Hot Bi Babe) is really more a sense that non-monagamy is moving beyond the typical models, and it\u2019s doing so very quickly.<\/p>\n

So just stop with the unicorn hunting. But — what if that\u2019s your dream? The two have a few tips: Date separately first, so you can work out all the kinks, so to speak, and practice how you\u2019ll deal with everything from jealousy to sharing parking spaces. As you date and get to know the poly community, a relationship may form naturally and happily.<\/p>\n

PepperMint, points out another way that double standards affect poly relationships. Some men new to poly \u201chaven\u2019t thought through this question: \u2018Oh, so the women will be seeing other men, too?\u2019\u201d Oddly, they\u2019re fine with the women seeing other women. I\u2019ve seen this form of OK-when-I-do-it several times.<\/p>\n

There\u2019s another assumption that reflects the double standard: that women shouldn\u2019t need many partners because they \u201ccan get sex anytime.\u201d To which I would counter, yes, that\u2019s probably true; even at my advanced age and without too much effort, I could probably get free sex (sex outside of a relationship) anytime. It just probably wouldn\u2019t be very good sex. So why bother?<\/p>\n

How to put the kibosh on the double standard tendency? It\u2019s really just a matter of the community and individuals being aware, talking about it, and calling it out, the two in the podcast decide. It should be a part of the discussion in the many books, blogs and Poly 101-type publications and websites currently proliferating.<\/p>\n

This might be easier in polyamory because, well, we\u2019re used to talking, and talking, and talking. Hey, about that talking too much: it\u2019s OK when we do it. But poly people might have an advantage when it comes to beating down this cultural tendency. Many of us have a preoccupation with what\u2019s \u201cfair.\u201d We like to think about how things might even out.<\/p>\n

None of us can be too hasty to call \u201cdouble standard.\u201d A relationship that might look unfair or unequal from the outside could be working just fine for the ones within it. A woman might have fewer partners than a man in the pod, and that might not be a double standard at work. It might be perfectly OK.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By Maria Padhila A veritable epidemic of mendacity: that\u2019s the kind of phrase I\u2019d think I\u2019d need to be holding a glass of neat bourbon and wearing a bra slip to pull off, but unfortunately, today, it\u2019s a commonplace observance. We\u2019re in the midst of the shutdown animated by a deep commitment to the principle … Read more<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7221,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"generate_page_header":""},"categories":[207],"tags":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/70681"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/7221"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=70681"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/70681\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=70681"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=70681"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=70681"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}