{"id":64807,"date":"2013-03-02T14:45:06","date_gmt":"2013-03-02T19:45:06","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/?p=64807"},"modified":"2013-03-02T16:03:20","modified_gmt":"2013-03-02T21:03:20","slug":"mmmm-cookies","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/polyamory\/mmmm-cookies\/","title":{"rendered":"Mmmm, Cookies"},"content":{"rendered":"

By Maria Padhila<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

I\u2019m going to start things out with this<\/a>, because I think we could all use something that could make us laugh about now. I know I could. <\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
Poly Paradise at Burning Man. Photo by Eric.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Sometimes, when I organize poetry readings, I give out cookies — because otherwise, there wouldn\u2019t be much of an audience. I like to invite people who aren\u2019t so well known to read, and on top of that, poetry can never count on having much of an audience. It\u2019s one of the reasons I get discouraged creatively, and start wondering why I should bother. <\/p>\n

I\u2019ve had times when I could write a poem or more a day, but lately it\u2019s taken more than a week to even begin something. It\u2019s a combination of lack of time and that encroaching sense of \u201cwhy bother?\u201d I’m having a lot of 12th house\/Neptune\/Pisces\/Chiron action, and Saturn in the 5th, and it weighs one down. But in my soupy way I\u2019ve been stirring around over a poem, and it\u2019s made me think hard about jealousy — a certain kind of jealousy, because that quality has so many masks. The phrase \u201cdog in the manger\u201d was the original — I won\u2019t say inspiration — but the germ, that might be a good word, for the poem. <\/p>\n

This phrase comes from the fable about the dog who, though he himself couldn\u2019t eat the horse\u2019s food, didn\u2019t want the horse to get it, either. He lay in the manger and barked to keep any of the other animals away. <\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

In a way, we\u2019re having a nationwide dog-in-the-manger moment, and jealousy and simmering resentment is at the heart of it. If you won\u2019t play the game we want, fine! We won\u2019t play at all<\/em>, you can practically hear Congress snipping as its members kick the dirt and walk away. <\/p>\n

So all around Washington this week, there are people either knowing they could lose their jobs, get a sudden pay cut, or be doing two jobs for the price of one (which many were doing already, so now it\u2019s three or four for the price of one). All because some people decided that they wanted what someone else has, even if they can\u2019t do anything with it.<\/p>\n

This kind of jealous acting-out is often a cause for strife in poly relationships — and it\u2019s usually unconscious, of course:<\/p>\n

Oh, I have to go visit my parents, but I need you at home to take care of the children or the dog or let the plumber in — so sorry, you\u2019ll have to miss your date. I know you like to go out to fetish night, but I\u2019m not into that kind of thing — but you go along and have a good time. Just remember that on our date tomorrow I want to leave at 6 a.m. and go mountain climbing. You know, when you and your girlfriend stay up talking that way, it really interferes with my watching this movie. Why don\u2019t you just watch with me instead?<\/em><\/p>\n

I find it the worst kind of jealousy, because it\u2019s such a waste. Compersion turns this on its head — even if I can\u2019t enjoy it, I enjoy that you enjoy it. <\/p>\n

What\u2019s behind the poem was feeling like the people around me — not my lovers or friends, but the whole work\/career\/social\/national scene — was stealing away my energy, my creativity, my ideals and ideas, my hopes; most especially my illusions. And it\u2019s not like they wanted to use it, or were even profiting from it in any way! They were just grabbing it and throwing it away. <\/p>\n

Here\u2019s what I wrote to Chris:<\/p>\n

They don’t realize all anyone has to do is whine a little and I could be fired. I have no power and no control. It’s exhausting, just knowing the hammer will come down and no one will defend me, or can defend me. I’m just constantly under threat for most parts of my life. One mistake, and I’m out. No exceptions, no excuses, no defense. It makes me want to give up just to avoid having to fight each day, because I will lose. They rigged it that way — because someone has to lose and it won’t be them.<\/p>\n

But my aim in life is to find a way that everyone wins something, and not something cheap, either. Something that matters to them and makes things better for them. It won’t be everything, but it will be something. But no one wants to play with me. They have to win it all. Or they can’t see how much they’re winning. They can’t see how there\u2019s always more, how nobody wins it all. Or they can’t be happy if someone else is winning even a little bit. Or they are only happy if others are losing.<\/em><\/p>\n

Not long after, as part of the subscriber horoscope, I got this:<\/p>\n

Libra<\/strong> (Sep. 22-Oct. 23) — There are two approaches to available to you: competitive or inclusive. Said this way, the choice seems obvious, though every influence in our society is about turning relationships into a zero-sum game. That means a game with many losers and just one winner. The game you want is one where everyone wins. One thing to remember is that there is plenty of you to go around: plenty of love, empathy and appreciation of diversity. You don’t have to \u2018commit’ yourself to anyone or anything the way that you were told you had to in the past. The person you need to be committed to is yourself and your own cause, meaning: know your wants and needs. Know what values are guiding you. What I suggest is that you let your imagination guide you, and see who harmonizes with you. Remind yourself how much you have to offer, and you will also remember why it makes sense that others would have so much to offer you. If you bump up against some limit on your self-esteem, climb over it, walk around it or keep going.<\/em><\/p>\n

Oh, my goodness — how bizarrely prescient and perfect.<\/p>\n

So I\u2019ll work on that. And here\u2019s the poem:<\/p>\n

Dog in the Manger<\/strong><\/p>\n

The owner\u2019s hand strokes you,
\nHis indulgent smile shines upon you.
\nWhat far fields have you been rolling in, you silly thing,
\nTo catch such weeds in your fur?<\/em><\/p>\n

He doesn\u2019t know his dog doesn\u2019t run so far.
\nJust to my stall, where he\u2019ll maul
\nThe door and whine until it opens to him
\nAnd with a leap, there he is, settled
\nHis tail moist in my feed, his legs crushing the hay,
\nHis hair invisible in the grain — until it makes me choke.<\/p>\n

It will always be me, who, day after day
\nWill come when I\u2019m called, will stand and obey.
\nTo crush that sweetness between my loosening teeth
\nFades from desire, to dream, to memory.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By Maria Padhila I\u2019m going to start things out with this, because I think we could all use something that could make us laugh about now. I know I could. Sometimes, when I organize poetry readings, I give out cookies — because otherwise, there wouldn\u2019t be much of an audience. I like to invite people … Read more<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7221,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"generate_page_header":""},"categories":[207],"tags":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/64807"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/7221"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=64807"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/64807\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=64807"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=64807"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=64807"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}