{"id":62680,"date":"2012-12-22T14:30:25","date_gmt":"2012-12-22T19:30:25","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/?p=62680"},"modified":"2012-12-21T17:03:22","modified_gmt":"2012-12-21T22:03:22","slug":"the-creeping-cookie-and-other-tales-of-horror-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/polyamory\/the-creeping-cookie-and-other-tales-of-horror-2\/","title":{"rendered":"The Creeping Cookie and Other Tales of Horror"},"content":{"rendered":"

Editor’s Note:<\/strong> Maria is taking a few weeks off to finish a book project. In the interim, we will be rerunning some of her columns, because we really do think they are that good. This weekend’s selection was originally published Dec. 24, 2011. If you have a favorite article of Maria’s you’d like to suggest, please comment below. — Amanda<\/em><\/p>\n

By Maria Padhila<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

In 10 years, I\u2019ve read a lot of books with my daughter. She was the type who wanted about 10 picture books before going to sleep (and Go The Fuck To Sleep<\/em><\/a> had not been written yet. As incorrect as it is, I love that book, with its progressively weirder menagerie and shared caretaker despair: \u201cYou do so much other amazing shit. Why can\u2019t you just go to sleep?\u201d). <\/p>\n

\"Poly
Poly Paradise at Burning Man. Photo by Eric.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Most of the time I was fine with this — I love reading, and I like the chance to try on different voices, have her point to things, etc. On my lap in the rocking chair with a book is pretty much how she spent about a third of the first four years of her life.<\/p>\n

Recently, I gave another big sack of books away — we save the most beautiful and most meaningful ones. But often, as we look the old books over, we wonder what we ever saw in them. One that was read over and over at school, but not so much at home, is If You Give a Mouse A Cookie<\/em>. It had left both of us with kind of mixed feelings. We veered between thinking the mouse was cute, or scary looking. We ping-ponged between finding his neediness and many requests poignant or overwhelming. <\/p>\n

Was the mouse a jerk or was he worth the trouble? Could we see ourselves in him? And where were our cookies? <\/p>\n

If you\u2019re not familiar with this classic work, it\u2019s the cautionary tale of a mouse who, when given a cookie, asks for a glass of milk, and then his requests begin to pile on, each to the last, until they reach a height of absurdity. It\u2019s a formula that got played out several times by the author and has been awarded by both acclaim and book sales.<\/p>\n

And I found it referenced in an excellent polyamory blog. The Polyamorous Misanthrope<\/a> really has to be called authoritative. It provides advice, comment and the occasional guest columnist. And most of the wisdom found there can apply to most any relationship. Who doesn\u2019t need to hear, once in a while, things like: \u201cLook out for some warning signs that say that what you\u2019re experiencing is a boundary violation rather than intimacy,\u201d or \u201cGood relationships require good boundaries, no matter what the relationship form\u201d?<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

The questionable behavior indulged in by the cookie-seeking mouse is addressed in a section on \u201ccreeping concessions\u201d or the \u201cif you give a mouse a cookie\u201d syndrome. It\u2019s something I\u2019m seeing happen a little too often, so I\u2019m trying to be more sensitive about it. For instance, I\u2019ve been assuming too often that Isaac knows I\u2019m going to see Chris if I\u2019m going to a ritual or Burning Man event — even though Chris isn\u2019t at every pagan or Burning Man event I go to, there\u2019s usually the possibility. <\/p>\n

I don\u2019t always consider this time with Chris, because I\u2019m often involved in something else — like ritual, or healing, or rehearsing singing obscene versions of show tunes in four-part harmony. But to Isaac, it can look like I\u2019m sneaking in extra Chris time. <\/p>\n

It works all three ways — I\u2019m not the only one \u201ccreeping\u201d here, as the rap songs put it. I\u2019ll think something is just fine with one or the other of them, and then find out I\u2019ve pushed a boundary. Isaac used to do this thing where he\u2019d say he\u2019d be home \u201cat the usual time,\u201d which he eventually felt free to define as anywhere from 6 p.m. to midnight, and then get frustrated and pissy when I asked him to attach a specific number to that. He actually can\u2019t — his work is that unpredictable. <\/p>\n

Which is fine — but he has to be willing to say so, and at the very least not be disgruntled when I ask. I need current information from all stakeholders to make an efficient decision (as they say in the so-called adult stories, otherwise known as white papers, which I have to help write all day).<\/p>\n

Is the Misanthrope\u2019s tone rubbing off on me? It\u2019s a lot funnier on that blog, for one. The blog is written by the Goddess of Java, a longtime polyamorist and writer. From the About section: <\/p>\n

She originally wanted to call the column \u2018You\u2019re All Fucking Idiots\u2019 but was persuaded not to, and then renamed it as a nod to a fellow citizen of her home town. … She lived in a group marriage for five years, is a parent to two of the most amazing children that she hasn\u2019t the arrogance to take credit for and has been polyamorous since her mid teens. She has given talks, organized conventions and would be delighted to give more talks on the subjects of life, love and Polyamory if asked.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

So I did, sort of. (She doesn\u2019t use the serial comma, and I do. Nuns. She\u2019s also rationalist and atheist and doesn\u2019t much hold with this astrology stuff, but this is not the first time a polyamorist of that persuasion has come under this tent to share their hard-won experience.) I asked the expert to expound a little on the topic of creeping concessions. First, here\u2019s the original blog post:<\/p>\n

You know old canard<\/em> that if you put a frog in a pan of cool water, then gradually heat it, the frog will not notice when the temperature rises to a dangerous degree and will boil to death?<\/p>\n

While the literal story is false, the moral of the story has a point. You can agree to one small concession, right? That\u2019s okay. Now if that small concession is treated as a precedent rather than a single exception, [1] someone who is ignoring boundaries is likely to ask for another oh, so small concession that\u2019ll become a precedent, until you\u2019ve found you conceded way the devil more than you ever intended.<\/p>\n

You can\u2019t blame this one on the other person, though. You\u2019re responsible for your own boundaries. You\u2019re in control of this one. If you give a concession, be clear whether it\u2019s a precedent or a one-time deal! You\u2019re responsible for communicating your intention, so you can handle this pretty easily when you get into the habit.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

And here\u2019s what she said when I asked for a little more advice:<\/p>\n

Creeping concessions, in my experience, are one-time concessions or favors that are then established as precedents from then on. Negotiation is different entirely and has to do with setting agreements on a global scale.<\/p>\n

Ferinstance:<\/p>\n

Joe<\/strong>: Will you pick me up at four in the morning tomorrow?
\nMaria<\/strong>: Sure.<\/p>\n

(Three days later)<\/em><\/p>\n

Joe<\/strong>: I need you to pick me up at four in the morning tomorrow.
\nMaria<\/strong>: Sorry, hon, I\u2019ve got a long day and am not going to be able to do that.
\nJoe<\/strong>: What the hell? You did it last Monday! I thought we\u2019d agreed that you\u2019d pick me up when I asked!<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s a creeping concession, though that one is so big and obvious that chances are most people would stop and punch it unless the relationship had gotten so bad that their crazy had become your normal.<\/p>\n

Negotiation (emphasis mine<\/em>) would look like this:<\/p>\n

Joe<\/strong>: There are going to be days that I\u2019m not going to be able to predict in advance that I\u2019ll need a ride very early in the morning. Would you be willing to do that?
\nMaria<\/strong>: I\u2019m going to have to give a conditional yes on that. You see, some days I have to work from eight to eight. On those days, getting up really early is going to seriously interfere with my sleep.
\nJoe<\/strong>: Crap. I really need a ride those days and the bus doesn\u2019t run that early. I know you like to do the cooking, but would it help if you knew that you\u2019d be able to count on me having dinner on the table those nights?
\nMaria<\/strong>: I\u2019m willing to try it on a provisional basis for a month or so. If it interferes with my work performance, we\u2019ll need to find something else.
\nJoe<\/strong>: Okay. Tell you what, we\u2019ll do it for a month, but during that month I\u2019ll cast around for another solution.<\/p>\n

(One month later)<\/em><\/p>\n

Joe<\/strong>: How is getting up early going? I\u2019ve talked to Michael, and he\u2019s willing to pick me up on your twelve-hour days.
\nMaria<\/strong>: Don\u2019t sweat it. Having dinner on the table when I get home helps enough that I\u2019m willing to go on with it.<\/p>\n

\u201cNotice in the negotiation stage, Joe really needs that ride. Maria needs her sleep. THEY BOTH SAY WHAT THEY NEED. Notice Maria is willing to try it provisionally, but gives a time frame. Joe understands the time frame and FOLLOWS THROUGH on a possible alternate solution.<\/p>\n

I think the best thing to remember when you\u2019ve gotten in further than you intended is that you do have the right to change your mind about what YOU will do. (Not necessarily what the other person will do).<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I think I get it, but I\u2019ll still be poking around the blog for some time to keep my resolve strong. A big part of this for me involves getting away from the Neptunian romantic fog (uh-oh, here she goes into the woowoo! Goddess forgive me?), and maybe Mars in Virgo can give this a boost. Also, both the guys are heavy Virgo \u2013 Isaac\u2019s Sun\/Moon\/Ascendant plus four planets; Chris is in the Uranus\/Pluto conjunction in Virgo sliver, that generational quirk that a cluster of notables fall into, and it\u2019s in his first house. This is a cosmic way of saying maybe we can get the schedules straight and the communications clear in the new year. Planning is actually very romantic to me. <\/p>\n

I have to also get past the reluctance to plan that\u2019s brought on by the inevitable ‘who\u2019s seeing me more’ struggles it engenders. Putting it on the calendar makes all that we\u2019re doing real — and that cookie tends to be followed by milk and whatever the hell else it leads to. As a Libran, I\u2019m balancing it out, but I also have the blindfold on. That\u2019s something else to think about for the new year.<\/p>\n

The solstice is the opposite of balance — depending on what part of the world you\u2019re on, the advantage goes to dark or light, cold or hot. But it pulls the concept of balance into thought — it\u2019s the midpoint between the two most balanced day\/nights in the year. A little bit of light creeps in, and a little more; if we choose to engage with the natural cycles, we surrender a little of the darkness, the interiority. I think the trick here is for me to develop this as a transformation rather than an erosion — the sands just shift to another side of the glass; they haven\u2019t been washed away.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Editor’s Note: Maria is taking a few weeks off to finish a book project. In the interim, we will be rerunning some of her columns, because we really do think they are that good. This weekend’s selection was originally published Dec. 24, 2011. If you have a favorite article of Maria’s you’d like to suggest, … Read more<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7221,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"generate_page_header":""},"categories":[207],"tags":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/62680"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/7221"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=62680"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/62680\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=62680"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=62680"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=62680"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}