{"id":61454,"date":"2012-09-15T15:00:55","date_gmt":"2012-09-15T19:00:55","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/?p=61454"},"modified":"2012-09-15T12:49:32","modified_gmt":"2012-09-15T16:49:32","slug":"all-you-poly-people-look-alike-to-me","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/polyamory\/all-you-poly-people-look-alike-to-me\/","title":{"rendered":"All You Poly People Look Alike To Me"},"content":{"rendered":"

By Maria Padhila<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Most people know the ‘one black friend’ or the ‘one gay friend’ phenomenon. That\u2019s what happens to a lot of folks who are black or gay and have some friends from outside that group. The friend from outside suddenly encounters another black person or gay person at work, or in a social group, or because one of their straight friends also has a One Gay Friend, and decides that this new person would be “just perfect for so-and-so!”<\/p>\n

\"Poly
Poly Paradise at Burning Man. Photo by Eric.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Not because they both love grits, True Blood<\/em> and traveling to dressage competitions in their spare time. Not even because they\u2019re the same age or have the same taste in novels. But because they\u2019re both black. Or because they\u2019re both gay. Because all of ‘you people’ get along automatically, right? You all like each other right away, right? You have this certain vibratory frequency that just, like, harmonizes, so any date with another gay person will be a smashing success and you\u2019ll end up getting ‘gay married’ someday!<\/p>\n

It\u2019s pretty hilarious (or disheartening) that this still happens nowadays, and even among people who you\u2019d think are not so provincial. Back when I was young, and I was the One White Friend, it once or twice even happened to me, or to my parents, who were thrown together at table pretty often with people they had nothing in common with — maybe they didn\u2019t even speak the same language. This is also a hazard with trying to fix up your One Black Friend (the French teacher from Mississippi may not even be able to communicate with your friend\u2019s One Black Friend from Bahia, sorry to tell you).<\/p>\n

It\u2019s silly and hurtful because it reduces an individual to a single characteristic. If you\u2019d like some further elucidation on this one — or if you just want to fall out laughing (and maybe crying) for about a half hour, check out yoisthisrascist.com<\/a>, a blog that ‘splains it all.<\/p>\n

Now nothing of that kind of consequence or offensiveness has happened to me as a result of being poly. I\u2019m not comparing what goes on with us to the vicious level of racism or gay hate. But am I saying that I think it\u2019s offensive if a friend tried to fix me up with someone? Yes, if it reveals that this friend sees me only as a representative of a certain characteristic, and not as a whole person. At the same time, you don\u2019t want other people to ignore this part of you — it\u2019s part of who you are.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

So this is where the friend comes in with, \u201cI\u2019m not supposed to acknowledge it by fixing you up with someone and I\u2019m not supposed to ignore it — head exploding — what am I SUPPOSED TO DOooooo???\u201d<\/p>\n

I should really make a flow chart for this one, because if the ‘friend’ goes on to say something about how \u201cyou people are always sticking the way you\u2019re gay\/black\/poly\/bi in people\u2019s faces and expecting special treatment anyway; if you want to be treated the same as normal people you should act that way\u201d sort of shit, you need to start identifying that ‘friend’ by a different term, like ‘bigot’. And it\u2019s not of much use to talk about it any more than that.<\/p>\n

Then there are others who, hearing a person is poly, go immediately to the \u201cslut\/immature\/I feel sorry for you\/you\u2019re destroying the chillllldrennnnn!!!\u201d default, and there\u2019s no dealing with them, either.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m talking here about people who really are friends, or want to be, or are just other individuals who maybe don\u2019t have much experience with poly people. So they go to certain comfortable stereotypes and assumptions.<\/p>\n

Granted, sometimes poly people make this easy to do. I see trends among polys that are annoying as hell. Just as everyone at Burning Man events starts out expressing themselves in a wildly individual way and ends up looking kind of, um, exactly the same, with a regulation-issue uniform of fuzzy coat, goggles, pasties, kilt and platform boots, groups of poly people do sometimes tend to fall into certain predictable looks and habits — and these can, yes, include looking like we\u2019re on our way to a Jethro Tull jam circa 1973. But there will always be polys in business suits, nurses, mothers, firefighters, city government administrative assistants, vet techs, logistics and supply chain management executives, cowboys — yep, the whole damn Village People rainbow.<\/p>\n

Eric actually pointed to one of these assumptions in the comments in this column last week. How on Earth is it that a poly person would actually live alone? Or be without a relationship? Because poly people are about all sex, all the time, right?<\/p>\n

Not if you\u2019re doing it ethically. If every time you have a date with someone new, you tell them about yourself and they freak out because they can\u2019t handle someone like that, then yes, you can spend a lot of time alone. It takes a while to find the right person, ever, for anyone. Narrow the field, and it\u2019s that much harder.<\/p>\n

Here are a few more myths. Lots of them sound very close to the ones that get tossed around about pagans and burners. Coincidence?<\/p>\n