{"id":59052,"date":"2012-07-08T16:30:57","date_gmt":"2012-07-08T20:30:57","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/?p=59052"},"modified":"2012-07-08T13:46:54","modified_gmt":"2012-07-08T17:46:54","slug":"what-do-you-really-need","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/polyamory\/what-do-you-really-need\/","title":{"rendered":"What Do You Really Need?"},"content":{"rendered":"

By Maria Padhila<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

I am catching up on things I couldn\u2019t read or didn\u2019t see through the massive power failure \/ severe weather clusterfuck that hit the DMV last week. <\/p>\n

\"Poly
Poly Paradise at Burning Man. Photo by Eric.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

And yeah, I\u2019m scared, too. I think this is it — the severe and abrupt have stormed on in, and it might be too late to turn it around. There was a time when I found power in storms and reveled in them; this isn\u2019t happening now. I feel apart from these storms. No anger at nature, just the knowledge that it is separate from me, that she is standing away. Well, all that\u2019s for poems, later; words that will sink into the mud at the bottom of a spillway in a matter of decades, if not months or even days.<\/p>\n

For some reason, a lot of links, Facebook pleas and random chatter had to do with need. Whether people\u2019s needs were being met. Whether people should have needs at all. Women being \u201ctoo needy.\u201d The difference between wants and needs.<\/p>\n

I tend to go around thinking I need nothing from relationships, which of course is an illusion and wrong. I must need something from somebody. So what is it, and why?<\/p>\n

An outside observer would immediately say that I need lots of attention — otherwise, why the two men when others are perfectly content with one partner? But both those who know me and those who look at what tends to happen might wonder if that\u2019s the case. I use another name for all my writing and public appearances; most people in literary, art, burner, whatever communities don\u2019t know who I am and wouldn\u2019t recognize me. I\u2019m a very invisible woman; I don\u2019t even show up in photos most of the time. I\u2019m OK with that, most of the time — it means I can do my own creating and thinking, and it keeps me safe. <\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

I either leave my writing in a drawer or put it on a personal blog no one reads. I\u2019d love it if people read me — I\u2019d love it more if they\u2019d pay me — but if I really wanted that, I\u2019d be sending things out to get published regularly instead of going out to play with my friends and daughter.<\/p>\n

And an outsider would say I must need sex — more than the average woman. That\u2019s debatable, too, although I enjoy it. Do I need romance? Maybe, but it\u2019s not the kind many think of — I find that their sharing of thoughts and humor and time with me is highly romantic. I need Issac to be a good co-parent, but that\u2019s kind of a moot point, because he is, and could be an ideal solo parent if anything happened to me. Chris and I are able to have intense spiritual\/magical experiences, which I might in some ways need, but I can have these on my own as well.<\/p>\n

What do I need from these men? It\u2019s more a craving, an appetite, maybe. I need to smell them, to feel the way their hair springs up from their skin and the way their muscles fit together. I need to hear their voices, I need to look over and see how they\u2019re reacting to something, music or a conversation or a woman walking by or a toddler handing them a toy. I need to know they\u2019re alive and fully living. I need to know they find me pleasing, or even annoying; that I have an effect on their lives.<\/p>\n

I need to not be invisible to them. Am I a needy woman?<\/p>\n

Well, I need electricity, that\u2019s for sure. What I\u2019ve been discovering I need right now is to be welcomed and included. This goes way back to the circumstances of my birth and upbringing (seriously unwanted and troubling to all) and the current combination of Chiron return and Neptune touching that Chiron natal point over and over, like a damp, clammy edge of a bedroom window curtain flapping at my face when I\u2019m trying to sleep. It\u2019s not that I need to be needed — when you take care of children, you get plenty of that. Is it that I need to be wanted? <\/p>\n

And what if this need is filled? Do I move on to another need? Can this need be filled? Can any emotional need ever be met by another? <\/p>\n

Being ‘needy’ and a woman seems to be the ultimate sin, from what I read. Whenever I detect a certain trait being assigned to one sex or type exclusively, whether it\u2019s needy for women or creepy for guys, my bullshit detector goes up. The gaslighting is pretty easy to read between the lines. <\/p>\n

I did some scanning around to find out if there\u2019s a similar prohibition against needy men, and found that indeed, need is treated with contempt in the straight manly world as well. The distorted mirror that is pick-up-artist culture even has a term, ‘needy alpha’, to describe men who take the game out of the Game and turn grabby and dominating in a bad way (for instance, the kind who play the ‘I\u2019m allowed to sleep around as I please, but don\u2019t let me catch you at it’ game). That\u2019s slightly reassuring, in a perverse way. <\/p>\n

Most of the objection on the part of men who find women ‘too needy’ — and the men and women who counsel women not to be ‘too needy’ — has to do with practical needs. Here\u2019s an example: I like to have Chris call, email or text me every day if at all possible. Here\u2019s why: Unlike Issac and I, he lives alone (even if he is not always alone) and he has a chronic disorder that could leave him severely and dangerously ill at any moment. I literally just want to know if he\u2019s alive. If he\u2019s going to be with someone else, or traveling with others, something like that, then I don\u2019t need him to check in, because they\u2019d see it if he went into a coma, right? <\/p>\n

Now if he ‘failed’ to check in, and I went into a big passive-aggressive mope, I\u2019d understand if he had an issue with me. But the argument wouldn\u2019t be with my need; it would be with my reaction and behavior. If he didn\u2019t call, and I called to check on him, I\u2019d probably tell him that I worry, and ask if there might be another way to touch base that\u2019s more convenient for him. <\/p>\n

After all, he\u2019s fulfilling my need, and that\u2019s a kind thing to do, so why not make it easy as possible? If you make it easy for others to fill your needs, I guess they\u2019re more likely to get filled. (In reality, we tend to chatter away four or five times a day, same as I do with others I\u2019m close to, because of the damned convenience of these here mobile devices. That need for electricity again!)<\/p>\n

But I might be branded as ‘too needy’ because of this. The ‘requirement’ to text once a day, or call — some people demand that, because texting isn\u2019t considered good enough — and other people get mad if you just check in on a Facebook wall — you know, just wait a minute. How do you keep all that shit straight, anyway? Getting your needs filled is exhausting. <\/p>\n

OK, back to texting. What I read are men complaining that women are asking too much when they ask for that. And what I hear is that the women aren\u2019t actually asking for what they need, and neither are the men. <\/p>\n

Maybe what the women need is reassurance that they haven\u2019t been forgotten. But there are a lot of ways to get that, and if you focus on a limited action, you stomp on someone else\u2019s need for autonomy or creativity. <\/p>\n

Of course, I have to take it a step further and see if reassurance or autonomy are even needs — and whether anyone\u2019s capable of filling them for another person. <\/p>\n

I have a lot more exploring to do on this one, and I welcome anything you\u2019d like to comment on about needs and relationships. Where I stand now is that I can question my needs as much as I like, but I\u2019m not going to challenge yours. I\u2019m just going to see whether I can help with them or not, and try to be honest about that. I\u2019m going to try hard to stop the bad habit of trying to divine your needs and address them, and instead, I\u2019m going to ask.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By Maria Padhila I am catching up on things I couldn\u2019t read or didn\u2019t see through the massive power failure \/ severe weather clusterfuck that hit the DMV last week. And yeah, I\u2019m scared, too. I think this is it — the severe and abrupt have stormed on in, and it might be too late … Read more<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7221,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"generate_page_header":""},"categories":[207],"tags":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/59052"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/7221"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=59052"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/59052\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=59052"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=59052"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=59052"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}