{"id":55792,"date":"2012-04-11T03:16:28","date_gmt":"2012-04-11T07:16:28","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/?p=55792"},"modified":"2012-04-11T12:51:37","modified_gmt":"2012-04-11T16:51:37","slug":"who-is-the-you-nobody-knows","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/astro-daily\/who-is-the-you-nobody-knows\/","title":{"rendered":"Who is the You Nobody Knows?"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"\"<\/a>
Photo by Amanda Painter, Portland, Maine.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

By the way, here is Eric’s PW FM for today; the full post is further down the page. – amanda<\/em>
\n\nhttp:\/\/planetwaves.fm\/podcast\/120411-podcast.mp3<\/a><\/audio><\/p>\n

The Sun is making its annual conjunction to Eris in Aries: a big, bright blast of \u2018who the hell am I in here?\u2019 I am feeling edgy and angsty \u2013 as though the moment can\u2019t come quick enough to make a decision, make a move, speak up. That probably has as much to do with Mars stationing direct as anything. <\/p>\n

Intertwined is the fact that these last months have set me on a course to dig deeper beneath my fun-loving Sagittarius Moon to figure out why I seem so often to be at war with myself \u2013 and by extension with the people I profess to care about. My Mars Rx journey is taking me through childhood, ancestors and a past life, trying to uncover the roots of why, as suggested by the healer I\u2019m working with, I seem to have a hard time being honest with myself. <\/p>\n

So far, the short answer is a very old fear of speaking my truth and speaking up for myself. There is a disconnect with the core \u2018me\u2019.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

I recently told a friend that I am working with someone to figure out why I have a hard time being honest with myself, and to get to a place where I can be. He looked at me in shock and said, \u201cBut you\u2019re one of the most honest people I know!\u201d<\/p>\n

Right. Exactly. That is, I\u2019m no stranger to telling a white lie, and sometimes surprise myself by how close one gets to my lips before I check myself. But I would no sooner fudge my hours for work, or fail to tell a prospective lover about my sexual health and history, than hurt a puppy. Yet, here I am, facing the likelihood that I\u2019ve often said \u2018yes\u2019 when I haven\u2019t meant it; that I must really know what I want even though I think I don\u2019t. <\/p>\n

Somewhere along the line \u2013 several places, actually \u2013 I was scared and trained out of my center, where my truth resides. The process of getting back into it is terrifying: it means having to face up to a lifetime of what amount to lies, even though I really thought I was being honest, or \u2018didn\u2019t know\u2019. It means integrating this person living my life with the person I\u2019ve pushed into the shadows. <\/p>\n

This process means facing a disconnect \u2013 facing Eris \u2013 before I disintegrate some very wonderful things in my life, including myself on some level. It means facing the truth that not every relationship in my life will survive an integrated me; it means owning up to and speaking my truth (assuming I don\u2019t chicken out); facing that some relationships will alter significantly; and facing my potential. <\/p>\n

That last one may even be the scariest of all. <\/p>\n

Despite the edgy \u2018gotta make a move soon\u2019 feeling, I feel equally pulled by the desire for \u2018just one more (X) like it used to be\u2019 and the fear of things changing in big ways. As though, if I could just stretch out this phase of limbo a little longer, I could have all the good things I want that seem threatened. <\/p>\n

We all know that never works out. Limbo is a perfect setup for getting hung up on the \u2018wanting\u2019 instead of what is actually right for the moment. Limbo can\u2019t hide you from your truth, or its need to be integrated consciously.<\/p>\n

No wonder we hide so much of ourselves from people in various parts of our lives. \u2018The truth\u2019 can feel like a threat to being loved. Sure, there is some part of every person that is kept back, for oneself — and for good reason. Yet how often do we really test the theory that we\u2019ll be abandoned if we let more people see a more integrated \u2018me\u2019? Will your life really fall apart if your friends, family and boss know you read an astrology website, for example?<\/p>\n

That fear of abandonment is a compelling fear. While it\u2019s not 100% right, it\u2019s not 100% wrong, either. Hence it gathers even more strength than it\u2019s due. I know very few people who truly strive to be wholly themselves with everyone in their lives \u2013 even the most genuine. It is not the easy road in the short term; apparently having a longer-term, deeper goal makes a huge difference. Let\u2019s face it: the reactions many people get from being honest are enough to scare them right back into faking it. You often have to be willing to let go of some friends and have faith that more appropriate people (that is, people not threatened by the whole you) will fill the void. <\/p>\n

We\u2019re not conditioned to be okay with being alone in this world, or to be completely ourselves. Those who try to do so threaten those who do not, kicking up that same fear of abandonment, and guilt over not having the guts to be whole and real. The reactions can be viciously overt or subtly insidious. Avoiding those reactions can keep us \u2018safe\u2019 from the reproach of others, but it can\u2019t protect us from ourselves. At some point, your soul will want all of itself together, intact, acknowledged and loved. The options are to integrate \u2013 and risk some level of abandonment in your life \u2013 or disintegrate \u2013 and risk losing great pieces of yourself. <\/p>\n

The theory I’m working with is that peering inside (with help, if needed) to see all of those fragments you\u2019ve been hiding and compartmentalizing is necessary. The Sun is here to give Eris her spotlight. What happens if I keep that light shining, even after the Sun moves on? Who is \u2018the you nobody knows\u2019, and how angry is that person for being kept in the shadows? How much is she hurting, and how bad does it have to get before it\u2019s more compelling than the anticipated pain of abandonment? Only you can answer that for yourself. I\u2019ll be busy sorting through it, too. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By the way, here is Eric’s PW FM for today; the full post is further down the page. – amanda http:\/\/planetwaves.fm\/podcast\/120411-podcast.mp3 The Sun is making its annual conjunction to Eris in Aries: a big, bright blast of \u2018who the hell am I in here?\u2019 I am feeling edgy and angsty \u2013 as though the moment … Read more<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":191,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"generate_page_header":""},"categories":[1734],"tags":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/55792"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/191"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=55792"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/55792\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=55792"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=55792"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=55792"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}