{"id":48361,"date":"2013-11-09T14:00:48","date_gmt":"2013-11-09T19:00:48","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/?p=48361"},"modified":"2013-11-08T15:55:53","modified_gmt":"2013-11-08T20:55:53","slug":"one-size-does-not-fit-all","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/polyamory\/one-size-does-not-fit-all\/","title":{"rendered":"One Size Does Not Fit All"},"content":{"rendered":"

We have an encore performance from Maria today, but she should be back with a fresh poly\/relationship article next week. This article originally posted on Nov. 6, 2011. — Amanda<\/em><\/p>\n

By Maria Padhila<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

It\u2019s round about sundown after a hard day\u2019s work, and I\u2019m listening to a nice younger couple talk about dick size. For about an hour. Of course the conversation touches on a dozen topics ranging from gender inequity in dating to the differences between extroverts and introverts in relationships, but the meat of the matter is, well, meat. <\/p>\n

\"Poly
Poly Paradise at Burning Man. Photo by Eric.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

It\u2019s the Pedestrian Polyamory Podcast<\/a> on the Life on the Swingset website, and Shira B. Katz and her husband, Gavin Katz, are talking cocks. Specifically, on this episode, they\u2019re talking about how Shira is a size queen and feels guilty about it, and how Gavin is sizeable (but he\u2019s not bragging, so it ends up just being funny). <\/p>\n

She talks about how much she likes that moment with someone new, the \u201cunveiling of the cock.\u201d How interesting it is to slide her hand along his boxers — \u201cand if I\u2019m lucky, it\u2019ll be boxer briefs.\u201d Hey, I wear boxer briefs!<\/em> I think at this point, somewhat hopefully. And about how she feels guilty at her twinge of disappointment if the member in question is smaller than average. <\/p>\n

Through the discussion, she works with Gavin to get to the root of this, and discovers that one component of the disappointment and guilt comes from the fact that her limited experiences with smaller-than-average penises have indeed been disappointing. Not because of the size, but because of how the penis owners handled other situations — for instance, one of them had erectile problems and immediately brought out the \u201cthis has never happened before, I can\u2019t understand it\u201d line. As Gavin pointed out, this tactic puts the burden squarely on the partner — it must be something they\u2019re doing wrong. <\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Shira shares some of the charming qualities of average and smaller cocks. They\u2019re more versatile, \u201caerodynamic stunt cocks,\u201d lending themselves more easily to anal sex, which more women are increasingly interested in<\/strong><\/a> and enjoying (link to article repaired). When Shira describes some of the Cirque du Soleil-style mouth moves possible with a smaller cock, Gavin actually gets a little jealous. So what happens if another lover in the poly group is not similarly endowed? \u201cHe\u2019s going to take the ass,\u201d Gavin says. \u201cSo we\u2019ve established that.\u201d<\/p>\n

Occasionally they get into a sort of Nichols-and-May rhythm, such as when Shira is talking about how her husband doesn\u2019t date much and she goes out all the time: \u201cBut I don\u2019t feel like I\u2019m one of those cuckolding wives,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n

\u201cCock-holding?\u201d Gavin asks, somewhat hopefully.<\/p>\n

The bigger point here is that they\u2019re talking taboos — and with a frankness and good humor that is not all that pedestrian. They began making the podcasts out of a desire to show \u201ca realistic and normalized viewpoint on polyamory, because truly, after all these years, polyamory is kind of pedestrian,\u201d as it says in their introduction.<\/p>\n

So in an interview later, I ask for some pedestrian ideas on technology and scheduling — Google shared calendars get another vote. She says, like me, she has been able to use an email document to defuse a jealousy situation or help hurt feelings: \u201cSee, this is the event, and I did invite you to it first, but you said you didn\u2019t want to go, so I went with Other Guy.\u201d It\u2019s strange how perception and memory can change situations if there\u2019s not something in writing, or on the cloud.<\/p>\n

They\u2019re also determined to keep their discussions down to earth — \u201cnot mixed up with tantra, or tarot cards,\u201d as Shira puts it. In a phone interview later, I asked her why she was hating on the tarot cards, and she took a couple steps back from that. She explains that she just saw lots of writing out there on polyamory that was either by beginners reeling from changes or was theory-heavy work that tangled up relationship issues with spirituality — poly advice, sites, and blogs made from pagan perspectives, for instance. She doesn\u2019t have anything against pagans, or tantra, or tarot — she just wants to put something out there that\u2019s more, well, pedestrian. <\/p>\n

\u201cI love pagans, and I think there\u2019s a place in the world for tantra,\u201d she says. \u201cBut I was having a hard time finding education and information that wasn\u2019t a mix of things that I don\u2019t want mixed in with my experience of polyamory. There\u2019s not a lot of information for people like me, logical and kind of geeky,\u201d she says. \u201cI like hearing about studies and statistics. I like people to back their shit up.\u201d (True to her word, during the podcast she presents the real numbers she researched regarding penis size.)<\/p>\n

I can understand that. I\u2019m a witch myself, and pagans and witches annoy the hell out of me a lot of the time, as do yoga teachers (who I nonetheless respect and obey) and new converts to swinging, and Burners (of which Shira is one; but there\u2019s this British expression, \u201ctaking the piss,\u201d and it\u2019s a competitive sport among Burners, so no one gets too puffed up for too long, unless they\u2019re hopelessly thick). It\u2019s about normalizing — she\u2019s out, for instance, to her friends and family, which makes poly more matter-of-fact. (She recognizes, however, that not everyone is able to do that and stresses that coming out must be a personal decision.)<\/p>\n

\u201cThe one thing I\u2019d like to accomplish with this is to give a significant group of people the idea that you should never default to any particular relationship style. It should be a choice. And that choice can be monogamy. But whatever your choice is, the discussions that occur really will inform you and give you a lot to guide your relationships.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI have monogamous straight friends who have never even had a conversation about how it is just to look at someone else, to notice the pretty girl walking down the hall,\u201d Shira says. Getting these things in the open and talking about it can help. <\/p>\n

For instance, they also address Gavin\u2019s dating dilemmas, and the fact that she gets screenfuls of messages on OK Cupid as opposed to his few responses. But that\u2019s partly because he\u2019s not putting himself out there, he says. A listener writes in with coherent and helpful dating tips. The show gets a good amount of coherent mail, which can be a rarity for podcasters. \u201cThere\u2019s nothing special about what I\u2019m doing; anyone can do it,\u201d Shira says. \u201cBut the people who write in and comment, they\u2019re brilliant. They have so much insight.\u201d I think I know how that goes, too. <\/p>\n

But Gavin is easygoing about his dating — as he says, \u201cI\u2019m not not dating because of anything you\u2019re doing. It\u2019s because of my own actions.\u201d He also says that on some days, time alone in the house can be more of a pleasure than 10 orgasms, to which I must say \u201camen.\u201d<\/p>\n

During the podcast, Shira throws out a phrase casually, which to me is the crux of polyamory: \u201cI can\u2019t be everything to everyone.\u201d I ask her about this on the phone later.<\/p>\n

\u201cI came to this because not only can I not be everything to everyone, I can\u2019t be everything to anyone,\u201d she says. \u201cI don\u2019t want that responsibility, that expectation that I will be their world. And it\u2019s not fair of me to expect anyone to make their world about me.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI think you diminish your experience of the world if you narrow in on one person that way.\u201d While she says it\u2019s wonderful to focus in on one person sometimes, she wants to make sure she doesn\u2019t close any doors on experience.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe don\u2019t know what happens after this, at the end of our breath and heartbeat. I live by the notion that I\u2019m going to live and experience as much as I can in this world, and learn as much as I can.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

We have an encore performance from Maria today, but she should be back with a fresh poly\/relationship article next week. This article originally posted on Nov. 6, 2011. — Amanda By Maria Padhila It\u2019s round about sundown after a hard day\u2019s work, and I\u2019m listening to a nice younger couple talk about dick size. For … Read more<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7221,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"generate_page_header":""},"categories":[207],"tags":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/48361"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/7221"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=48361"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/48361\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=48361"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=48361"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=48361"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}