{"id":47784,"date":"2011-10-22T15:00:06","date_gmt":"2011-10-22T19:00:06","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/?p=47784"},"modified":"2011-10-23T08:43:59","modified_gmt":"2011-10-23T12:43:59","slug":"going-the-distance","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/polyamory\/going-the-distance\/","title":{"rendered":"Going the Distance"},"content":{"rendered":"

Editor’s Note: Every Saturday, we run a column by Maria Padhila on a relationship-based theme, usually focused on polyamory or what some call responsible nonmonogamy. In case you’re wondering why we do this on an astrology website, the answer is ‘just because’ — we’ve been on these topics since the very first days Planet Waves existed. — efc
\n<\/em><\/p>\n

By Maria Padhila<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

I lurk on a couple of poly email lists where I find a lot of support just reading about what others are going through, and how they\u2019re working through their problems (or not). I just lurk — I don\u2019t have to write anything. There are enough people there who are ready to respond, who have lots of experience and know what they\u2019re talking about.<\/p>\n

\"Poly
Poly Paradise at Burning Man. Photo by Eric.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Two women in particular on one of these lists are remarkably eloquent, empathetic and easygoing, a hat trick few in the online world can manage. They stand up for their own viewpoints without being trolls about it; they can accept other perspectives besides their own. It (along with this site) restores my faith in online discourse when I see people who can respond like this.<\/p>\n

Once one of the women, Devon, mentioned her long-distance relationship. I\u2019ve always been interested in these. I have two best women friends — one knows about my poly life, and one doesn\u2019t. The one who doesn\u2019t, Sylvie, has one of the longest-running long-distance relationships I\u2019ve ever heard of. They have been monogamous for 15 years. On top of living about 1,500 miles away from each other, they spend much of their time together traveling. They work in bursts and then take off, and then go back to work again. They know all the tricks from hosteling to airline ticket discounts to couch surfing (often at Isaac’s and my place, and we love having them here, as does our daughter.). Her boyfriend is great fun as well as being highly principled, but not in your face about it. One of the reasons he works on the move now is that his union workplace was busted down after a prolonged strike, and he wouldn\u2019t be a scab or support the management in any way, even today.<\/p>\n

It hurts not to let Sylvie know what\u2019s going on — she has seen so much with me and helped me through so much over the years. At the same time, she was once betrayed and hurt very badly, and has come out of the generation that feels so let down by their parents and relatives cheating and splitting up. I think she would see it as just more of the same. Maybe sometime I\u2019ll tell her.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

But I find her relationship wonderful. It\u2019s obvious that it ‘works’ — aside from the dent the economy has made in their freedom of movement. The only thing I find strange about it is the reaction others have. Over the years, people have pulled me aside and asked things like: When are those two going to get married? When are they going to settle down in one place? How can she stand it?<\/p>\n

I\u2019m curious about other people\u2019s relationships — or else I wouldn\u2019t be asking strangers to tell me about their love and sex lives so I can write about them. But this isn\u2019t so much curiosity by the interrogators as a desire to get these two into a place they can understand and file away. Often, the typical tropes get trotted out — he must be afraid of commitment; doesn\u2019t she want something ‘more’?<\/p>\n

Yes, she would like something ‘more’, all right — more economic security. The union company where she worked was decimated two years ago, and now she lives the part-timer existence, although with valuable skills some are still willing to pay fairly for. But she\u2019s got plenty, even when she\u2019s not with her boyfriend — freedom, free time, her walls covered with art, no golf clubs and soccer balls filling the apartment, the ability to go out with friends anytime after work. It\u2019s actually like being poly, except the other person is herself.<\/p>\n

Devon, in her early 50s just like Sylvie and me, had a very different experience with her LDR (long-distance relationship). Sylvie lived most of the years of her LDR before the kinds of technology that made such relationships much easier; Devon\u2019s started, as so many do today, on a computer. She had been carrying on with a few dozen men online, with her husband\u2019s knowledge and consent, and frankly admits she was \u201caddicted\u201d to the attention and exploration. When she decided to stop, one man begged her not to: \u201che had decided he was in love with me,\u201d she wrote me.<\/p>\n

She traveled to visit a dying relative and the besotted Sam, who lived a half-day away, came to meet her. \u201cI fell for him like my life had been on hold, waiting for him to walk in and wake me up,\u201d she writes. \u201cI felt this man was important to me, and when I flew home the next day I wondered what the hell I was going to do. All I knew was that I didn’t want to be 80 years old someday, and look back on this event wondering what would my life be like if I had let myself pursue this relationship?\u201d<\/p>\n

She tried to tell her husband how serious this was — not just online play. Finally, she took her husband to their counselor and told him there, where he would have support, in a way that he would listen and understand. After six months of support and talking, her husband said he was feeling secure enough for her to pursue the other relationship.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe had heard of polyamory from my online research, but rejected the idea for us. Being poly sounded too much like being open or being a swinger,\u201d she writes. \u201cWe were in love. There was no intention of sharing anything with anyone else. Later, I found the term \u2018poly-fidelity\u2019 and that began my acceptance of things poly.\u201d<\/p>\n

The two began to see each other every three to four months, for a week or a long weekend at a time, for a few years. \u201cSustaining a relationship like this would have been impossible as little as 20 years ago,\u201d she writes. \u201cThe technology that allowed us to be so close seemed like a miracle to me. We had cell phones and used the same provider. We subscribed to unlimited texting so that short I’m thinking of you messages were possible. We could have \u2018overnights\u2019 via the webcam, and feel almost like we had slept together. Emails flew fast and furious between us, instant ways of connecting our deepest feelings and most profound experiences of love.\u201d<\/p>\n

Her husband and Sam were able to meet a number of times. If all three were in the same city, she would make time to share lunch or dinner with her husband — time spent where Sam lived didn\u2019t mean she would be with him exclusively.<\/p>\n

Even so, communication was one of the biggest problems. She realized she was communicating more with Sam than with her husband. Her husband felt left out, particularly when the three were out together. Sam felt like he would never be included in the parties and family activities the married couple had so often. He was a secret from her family and he \u201chated being invisible,\u201d she writes. \u201cI hated it too. He was so important to me, but we had not found a way to be open with our kids. [They both have adult children.] I regret that, to this day.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBecause Sam lived alone and had a high libido, I knew that the time would come for him to want to date,\u201d she writes. She knew he was working on a relationship close to home. Unfortunately, he didn\u2019t tell her anything about the relationship, and she was hurt and, she says, reacted badly when she discovered what was happening. It was the final stage in their communication breaking down — the relationship didn\u2019t survive it.<\/p>\n

This line between being fine with someone dating someone else and not being fine with the way it\u2019s happening is hard to make people understand. For myself, I get infuriated when I\u2019m cast in the role of the ‘mommy’ or the ‘ball and chain’ that a partner has to sneak around on. Once when I told Chris that I wanted to know with whom and when he was going out, he made a half-snarky, half-sexy remark about taking videos and sharing them with me. My response was all angry. Imagining either of my guys with another woman if they\u2019re out (or in) having fun is hot. Picturing either of them sneaking around like a bad little boy, saying \u201cdon\u2019t let Maria find out or she\u2019ll get mad\u201d is not hot. Getting put in the role where I\u2019m someone who would get in the way of their freedom feels unjust and unfair — and kills my sex drive. Plus, it\u2019s uncomfortable going into a social situation, say, and not knowing if there\u2019s someone there that they\u2019re really into. It\u2019s hard getting people to understand this distinction.<\/p>\n

\u201cMy husband has supported and loved me throughout this entire process,\u201d Devon writes. \u201cHe loved seeing me be so happy and in love. He relished his own freedom to participate in all the activities that bring him his own joy. He took me to the airport each time I left and was there with open arms to pick me up when I returned. He held me as I cried [when the relationship ended] and supported me through my grief.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThis year we celebrated our 40th wedding anniversary. He is secure in his place in my life and encourages me now to simply be who I am. If that means taking another lover, and having another love of my life, so be it. If it’s simply the two of us, that’s good too.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cA benefit of living a poly lifestyle for me, is a sense of being seen, not just by others, but by myself, too. I recognize parts of myself that I can see more clearly and appreciate. I feel fulfilled and loved for who I am. I dropped the lifelong mask, the need to be a certain way for anyone else and am growing to a place of self-empowerment, appreciating myself. There was a huge spiritual awakening during this previous time that has given me tools to carry with me for the rest of my life. I have blossomed emotionally, spiritually and sexually.\u201d<\/p>\n

I feel privileged to have heard her story. I recognize how fortunate she is to have a partner like that — and it makes me appreciate my own even more.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Editor’s Note: Every Saturday, we run a column by Maria Padhila on a relationship-based theme, usually focused on polyamory or what some call responsible nonmonogamy. In case you’re wondering why we do this on an astrology website, the answer is ‘just because’ — we’ve been on these topics since the very first days Planet Waves … Read more<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7221,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"generate_page_header":""},"categories":[207],"tags":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/47784"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/7221"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=47784"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/47784\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=47784"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=47784"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=47784"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}