{"id":46806,"date":"2011-10-06T19:00:29","date_gmt":"2011-10-06T23:00:29","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/?p=46806"},"modified":"2011-10-09T13:58:58","modified_gmt":"2011-10-09T17:58:58","slug":"when-your-life-needs-rewriting-challenge-your-stories","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/psychology\/when-your-life-needs-rewriting-challenge-your-stories\/","title":{"rendered":"When your life needs rewriting, challenge your stories"},"content":{"rendered":"

Editor’s note<\/strong>:If you have a question you would like answered and explored in this forum, please email Jan at Drjanseward [at] gmail.com<\/strong>. Letters may be edited for length and clarity. Don’t be shy — we’re enjoying what our readers come up with! — amanda <\/em><\/p>\n

Dear Jan,<\/p>\n

I have been happily married for 24 years to a wonderful loving man. I know I have issues because of my dysfunctional family so maybe you can help me. <\/p>\n

\n
\n
\"\"<\/a><\/dt>\n<\/dl>\n<\/div>\n

Despite my love for him, I often wish I could have another man in my life; one who has the same libido as I do and one who is more open about his affection with me. My husband is really wonderful but he doesn’t examine his feelings much or talk about them much and I miss having someone to talk to about that. I can tell him my feelings but he doesn’t seem to know his feelings so he cannot tell me his. <\/p>\n

I also miss having a man desire me as much as I desire him. My husband has desire but he doesn’t show it much and he cannot keep up with me. He acts younger than his age (is open minded and has energy) but he is almost 59 and I am 51 and going through the change. Why do I seem to need more attention and\/or sex than he can give? I have lost weight and improved my self a lot this last year but I seem to feel needy and wanting attention that he seems unable to give me. I have wished I could find someone who could complement those parts of me that he can’t, but at my age I still feel unattractive and don’t know if I really want to mess up what I have already. <\/p>\n

Is this normal to feel so mixed up, needy, sexual and all that, and what should I do about all these feelings? Is this just my personal dysfunction \/ self-esteem issue again? I have been to therapy many times but I seem to always end up with a man who has less libido than I, as though I am trading a loving nature for a great sex life. <\/p>\n

Please sign me ‘anonymous’.<\/p>\n

Dear Anonymous,<\/p>\n

Thank you for your question, or, rather, questions, because you\u2019ve asked many. To answer, I\u2019m going to use a way of looking at an issue that\u2019s based on \u201cThe Work\u201d of Byron Katie<\/a>, which is based on the work of cognitive psychologist Albert Ellis, who was the original challenger of conscious and unconscious assumptions. <\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

In Katie\u2019s system, the way to look at any issue or suffering we experience is to see it as a story that we tell ourselves, that we think we somehow need in order to live. Unless we question our story, we will use the same narratives over and over again, suffering needlessly and indefinitely, like living in eternal hell. To look at our story, Katie tells us to ask four questions: 1: Is it true? 2: Can you absolutely know it\u2019s true? 3: How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought? 4: Who would you be without the thought?<\/p>\n

If we unpack your question, it\u2019s clear that you have a lot of stories. The first is \u201cI know I have issues because of my dysfunctional family\u201d. Is this true? Are you certain that you have issues? Can you absolutely know this is true? Could it also be true that perhaps these are not \u2018issues\u2019, but reactions, fears, confusions, or distortions, all of which are available to be examined and changed? Now we ask the question of how do you react, what happens, when you believe the thought that you have a lot of issues because of your dysfunctional family? Does having this thought make you feel that, because you can\u2019t change your family or their dysfunctions, you can\u2019t change your story? Do you feel hopeless and defeated by this? And, finally, who would you be without your thought or your story? If you stopped thinking of yourself as a person with \u2018issues\u2019, who would you be?<\/p>\n

You also have stories about your husband, so let\u2019s look at one: \u201cMy husband has desire but he doesn\u2019t show it much and cannot keep up with me.\u201d Is this true? Can you absolutely know it\u2019s true? Have you tried different approaches toward your sexuality and intimacy? How do you know that your husband has desire if he doesn\u2019t show it much? Does he talk about it? Have you explored ways to turn talk into touch? Does your husband masturbate? Can you masturbate together, or help each other to masturbate? Have you considered using tools or aids, including drugs for erectile dysfunction, to help him to keep up? <\/p>\n

How do you feel or react to the story that your husband cannot keep up with you, and without this story, who would you be? If there were new avenues of intimacy in your relationship, how might you be vulnerable in ways you\u2019ve not had to face before? Might it be easier, less frightening, to continue to see your husband as someone who just \u2018can\u2019t\u2019? And what would happen if you invited or challenged your husband to answer the four questions about the stories he tells about himself?<\/p>\n

Anonymous, the reason to understand our stories is that unless we understand what is lying underneath what we think and believe, we can change a thousand things and the basic story will always stay the same. We can lose weight, get surgically altered, take endless self-improvement classes, or go to therapist after therapist — the results will always be the same. Unless we are willing to see ourselves as separate from our stories, we continue to write the same ending, and it\u2019s never ‘happily ever after’.<\/p>\n

With your heartfelt questions, I encourage you to challenge all of your stories: the story that you are needy and wanting too much attention; the stories that you are unattractive, too sexual, mixed up, dysfunctional; and the stories about your husband. These, if allowed to stand unchallenged, will continue to doom him to failure — that he just can\u2019t give you what you want and need. Try challenging the story that you have to trade a loving nature for a great sex life. <\/p>\n

Thanks to the readers who have introduced me to The Work. Katie has developed the work of some pretty intellectualized cognitive psychologists into a form that is meaningful and accessible and has helped thousands. You can see her work on the web, and she offers the four questions and ways to do the work for free on her website. Anonymous, let us know how its going when you begin to rewrite your life.<\/p>\n

A note to readers: I will be away next week, and my mailbox is hungry! Please send your letters and questions, I look forward to hearing from you.<\/p>\n

Blessings,<\/p>\n

Jan<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
Noon chart of Byron Katie<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Editor’s note:If you have a question you would like answered and explored in this forum, please email Jan at Drjanseward [at] gmail.com. Letters may be edited for length and clarity. Don’t be shy — we’re enjoying what our readers come up with! — amanda Dear Jan, I have been happily married for 24 years to … Read more<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6030,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"generate_page_header":""},"categories":[1738],"tags":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/46806"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/6030"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=46806"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/46806\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=46806"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=46806"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=46806"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}