{"id":46487,"date":"2011-10-01T15:00:44","date_gmt":"2011-10-01T19:00:44","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/?p=46487"},"modified":"2011-10-01T22:44:44","modified_gmt":"2011-10-02T02:44:44","slug":"every-sperm-is-sacred-really","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/polyamory\/every-sperm-is-sacred-really\/","title":{"rendered":"Every Sperm is Sacred. Really!"},"content":{"rendered":"

Editor’s Note: Every Saturday, we run a column by Maria Padhila on a relationship-based theme, usually focused on polyamory or what some call responsible nonmonogamy. In case you’re wondering why we do this on an astrology website, the answer is ‘just because’ — we’ve been on these topics since the very first days Planet Waves existed. — efc
\n<\/em><\/p>\n

By Maria Padhila<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

A woman at a local poly dinner told me: \u201cI don\u2019t have any more relationships than someone who\u2019s monogamous. I just never break up with anyone<\/a>.\u201d<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
Poly Paradise at Burning Man. Photo by Eric.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

To me, that chain of one, plus one, plus one would be one of the happiest aspects of polyamory. I don\u2019t like losing people. With the exception of two abusive psychos — and they were doozies — and one person who felt it was too painful to continue to see me — I\u2019ve managed to stay friends, at least, with exes. There are a few I wouldn\u2019t mind having ongoing relationships with, though I\u2019d never presume to impose that on them or on their present partners. <\/p>\n

Even the short-term or one-off events, the ones you part from with both of you thinking, well, um, that wasn\u2019t really such a great idea — even these people manage to be kind and polite when we meet socially. I can\u2019t imagine having a real flameout, burn the bridges, months of pain goodbye. At my age, I really couldn\u2019t stand it — not so much because of the drama and stress, but because having these people in my life is too much of a gift, too precious, to cut anyone off entirely.<\/p>\n

Ironically, it was Isaac I almost parted from forever, once, when I was much younger, and I thought it would be something I could live through. I had moved, and I didn\u2019t want a long-distance friendship. I wanted to be with him as a lover or not at all. And after almost a year apart, that\u2019s what happened. I came home giggling and margaritaed after a several-days-long work stretch, ready to finish off a night off with a fun guy I\u2019d been seeing, and hit the blinking light on the answering machine. We had those back then. It was Isaac, and the message was, in effect, that this is bullshit, let\u2019s be together. Fun Guy raised his eyebrows and said \u201cwell,\u201d and hopped on his skateboard and darted away.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

And Isaac and I got legally married.<\/p>\n

Breaking up because of abuse has to be done, of course. Then there\u2019s also the breakup that happens because you realize you just aren\u2019t really compatible. Others grow apart — that\u2019s what happened with the one who chose not to be friends afterward. I felt like my love for him was dying because I felt like he was dying — letting his world become more and more cramped and constricted, too much television and junk food. I felt guilty for working, going out, meeting people, trying things. He liked stuff; I\u2019m not much for stuff. I was afraid we\u2019d end up buried in toys. So I can see how this kind of breakup can happen.<\/p>\n

But I also wonder if my wanting to hold on to relationships is a kind of denial, an immaturity. Is it an inability to find ‘closure’, a fear of death, a fear of letting go?<\/p>\n

A friend recently ended a seven-year relationship with a man who was married to a don\u2019t-ask-don\u2019t-tell wife. My friend and he eventually started thinking they wanted to move in together — but that was where the limits of DADT [the poly kind, not military], and what I see as its un-sustainability, come through clearly. In the end, he couldn\u2019t stand living away from his children, not being there every day. My friend, as she always had been, was gracious — she had always said he was free to work out anything that worked for him. She could not stand seeing his unhappiness and indecisiveness. She had to end it so he would go. It was painful as hell, and Issac and I hurt for her, not least because we liked the guy, too. It didn\u2019t make a bit of difference that she had dated and even had some longer-term relationships with other men over the course of those seven years. A person is a person, and no one is interchangeable.<\/p>\n

As she started to heal, we were talking one night about a man she was going out with — a ‘secondary’, though she doesn\u2019t use those terms. Anyway, she said something to the effect that you\u2019d think she\u2019d spend more time with Secondary Guy now that she\u2019d broken up, but that it just didn\u2019t work that way. It\u2019s not like you\u2019re some minor-league player who gets a call one day saying \u201cPack your bags, you\u2019re going to the show!\u201d Some people are going to be Secondary Guy, whatever happens, and that\u2019s OK as long as they know the score. Some of them want to be Secondary Guy, because that\u2019s what works for them. They\u2019re not interchangeable. <\/p>\n

I got pregnant pretty late in life, after thinking I wouldn\u2019t be able to. As I talked to other older mothers, I found out we were thought of in two terms: \u201celderly pregnancy\u201d and \u201cpremium pregnancy.\u201d We\u2019ll leave that first term alone. As for the second, the thought is that medical workers would take extra care and caution with the \u201cpremium pregnancy,\u201d for instance, going directly to a c-section if there were even a hint of trouble in labor, because this was one\u2019s only chance for a child. I have this feeling that people with more than one child think of each child as a ‘premium’. Where could this institutionalized belief that it\u2019s OK if you\u2019ve got another one to ‘fall back on’ come from? Deepest evolutionary instinct, maybe, but then again, there are also deep within us ways we can tell at a sniff every unique individual who comes near us, tell precisely who they are and even what\u2019s on their minds. We know that no one is interchangeable. <\/p>\n

This poem is part of a series on Lilith myths, and it\u2019s about that idea.<\/p>\n

III. Abundance<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cSaid the Holy One to Adam: If she agrees to come back, what is made is good. If not, she must permit one hundred of her children to die every day.\u201d
\n\u2014The Alphabet of Ben Sira<\/em><\/p>\n

They say I agreed to it:
\nIn exchange for my freedom,
\nEvery day, they get to kill
\nOne hundred of my children.
\nReally, believe me,
\nOne is all it takes.<\/p>\n

Some people have told me it must be easier not to worry about breaking up if you have another lover in your back pocket. No. Even if you have more than one partner, it\u2019s not easy to lose anyone. Never.<\/p>\n

I think this thinking comes from the same place that compels people to unite themselves with someone, anyone, just so they can be coupled; not alone. It doesn\u2019t matter who you drag along as your date to that wedding or class reunion, right? I\u2019ve always been one who would rather go alone. People aren\u2019t just props for photos. <\/p>\n

Some people I\u2019ve heard and read say polyamorists tend to break up more — it\u2019s all the drama and complications of scheduling, maintaining. Swimming against the tide gets exhausting. They don\u2019t leave enough time to talk, love, check in; jealousy and dishonesty start to get a foothold, like mold on a basement ceiling. Some people are polyamorists because they\u2019re addicted to excitement and adrenaline, but I\u2019d bet there are no more of these types in poly than there are among monogamists. Either way, some people won\u2019t be happy without a flameout.<\/p>\n

With polyamory, you don\u2019t necessarily have to break up in order to have a new relationship, or in order to get something you feel you need but aren\u2019t finding in your present relationship. So there are fewer reasons to break up, and for that reason, I think you get to feel these reasons very acutely. <\/p>\n

I read a blog entry<\/a> that explains this very well recently. She\u2019s starting a podcast soon and it looks like it\u2019s going to be interesting.<\/p>\n

Love is not enough. This is a truth that goes beyond polyamory and nonmonogamy, but seems to be more obvious in polyamory due to the fact that love isn\u2019t thought of as a finite one-recipient only emotion. …<\/p>\n

The truth is that relationships take a lot of different resources to be sustainable, not just love. You need proper timing, you need all parties to be on some sort of symbiotic developmental\/maturity\/lifecycle phase, you need time and energy … you need money and transportation and logistics. You need some really fucking unromantic things to pull off a sustainable relationship. …<\/p>\n

Poly people find themselves with a very large struggle. There is no lack of love or want that keeps them out of certain relationships. But that doesn\u2019t mean that they should stay in these relationships, either. A lot of genuinely loving relationships can end up being disruptive to the people within those partnerships when those other resources are lacking. And let\u2019s not get into how disruptive they can be for the people around them. That is when the logic wins over love.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Editor’s Note: Every Saturday, we run a column by Maria Padhila on a relationship-based theme, usually focused on polyamory or what some call responsible nonmonogamy. In case you’re wondering why we do this on an astrology website, the answer is ‘just because’ — we’ve been on these topics since the very first days Planet Waves … Read more<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":191,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"generate_page_header":""},"categories":[207],"tags":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/46487"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/191"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=46487"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/46487\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=46487"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=46487"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=46487"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}