{"id":44927,"date":"2011-09-01T17:00:25","date_gmt":"2011-09-01T21:00:25","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/?p=44927"},"modified":"2011-09-03T10:21:52","modified_gmt":"2011-09-03T14:21:52","slug":"hurts-so-good-the-chemistry-conundrum","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/psychology\/hurts-so-good-the-chemistry-conundrum\/","title":{"rendered":"Hurts so good: the chemistry conundrum"},"content":{"rendered":"

Editor’s note<\/strong>:If you have a question you would like answered and explored in this forum, please email Jan at Drjanseward [at] gmail.com<\/strong>. Please note, depending on volume of emails, not all letters may be featured. Letters may be edited for length and clarity. We’re enjoying what our readers come up with! — amanda <\/em><\/p>\n

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Dear Jan:<\/p>\n

I recently ended a three year relationship, it was always a mess emotionally, but we had the biggest intellectual and sexual connection ever. It’s such a relief having the drama gone, and I’m finding intellectual connection elsewhere… but my emotions now revolve around the sexual void I’m left with. Or rather, my subconscious is. <\/p>\n

I have very vivid dreams and wake up incredibly aroused and involved with him, it’s the most intense dreaming I’ve ever had. Such subconscious activity is bringing a lot of the emotions back, pulling me into a cesspool rather than moving away and forward, toward new opportunities and interests. <\/p>\n

When I’m awake I’ve been successful keeping my mind quiet, and consciously not thinking about him, or us, or anything that keeps me stuck in the past… but my dreams bring me right back, and I’m waking up many mornings with him fresh on my mind and still tantalizing my body. How do I move forward when my body is still stuck?<\/p>\n

I\u2019d prefer to remain anonymous…<\/p>\n

Dear Anonymous,<\/p>\n

Thanks for your courageous letter about a struggle so many of us can relate to: how to move forward in spite of our attractions, obsessions and addictions. First, I want to support and applaud you for moving away from someone who wasn\u2019t constructive for you emotionally, despite your intense sexual and intellectual chemistry. This is never easy to do! We can all relate to the state of relationship that \u2018hurts so good\u2019, and it\u2019s always easier to stay with the status quo — especially when the sex is good (or fantastic).<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

But we can also look deeper, at what sexual chemistry is about, and what this sexual relationship might have been about for you. At the very heart of it, sex is about connection, and the chemistry of it is very literally about connection. When we connect with someone sexually we release hormones that make us want to keep connecting, to attach, so that we keep our species going. When someone \u2018gets under our skin\u2019, we\u2019re literally saying that they\u2019ve gotten into our chemistry, making us want them more. <\/p>\n

When I read between the lines of your letter, I would guess that your sexual chemistry was intense, and also a very important way to connect in the face of challenging or destructive emotions. What can happen when the sex is great but the emotions are bad is that the sexual contact increasingly becomes like a habit or an addiction, taking the place of more mature connection and helping us to avoid or cover over painful feelings and thoughts. It also sounds like there were parts of yourselves that you weren\u2019t able to express in any other way than sexual, making that connection more meaningful and even harder to suppress.<\/p>\n

The trouble with chemistry is that, even when we are \u2018consciously\u2019 ready to move on, our chemistry might not be. When we\u2019re awake, we have much more conscious control over our thoughts and actions, and we can do plenty of things to distract. Asleep, our biology takes over and we often encounter in our dreams what we are denying ourselves in our daily lives. (In fact, I can always tell when my patients are working really hard on changing their behaviors because the less they \u2018act out\u2019 every day, the more the things they are trying to change show up in their dreams. Another reason why I salute you — your dreams show that you are really \u2018walking the walk\u2019 of moving on!) And because your body doesn\u2019t know the difference between a dream and being awake, when you re-encounter your lover in your dreams, you wake up addicted to him all over again, a cycle that\u2019s so, so hard to break!<\/p>\n

So, how do you move forward when your body is still stuck? Time holds the key. Every day that passes that you don\u2019t connect in reality is one more opportunity for that intense chemistry to lessen, leaving you less vulnerable even when you\u2019re asleep. Time is also the opportunity to heal from the damaging effects of the relationship, and to understand why this connection wasn\u2019t meant to be. I would also encourage you to look very honestly at what this relationship represented for you sexually. What needs — constructive and destructive — were being worked out or played out between you that you had never been able to express before? Your experience of being tantalized and even haunted by your lost sexual connection might speak to unmet or unrealized needs that can only be satisfied by increased self-awareness and deepening self-love.<\/p>\n

Anonymous, you have my utmost support and encouragement as you continue your commitment to growth and evolution. As you continue on your path, I assure you you will ultimately find a partner with whom you can fully express yourself on every level: emotional, intellectual and sexual. Then you will truly have the love connection! <\/p>\n

Good luck and many blessings,
\n— Jan Seward<\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Editor’s note:If you have a question you would like answered and explored in this forum, please email Jan at Drjanseward [at] gmail.com. Please note, depending on volume of emails, not all letters may be featured. Letters may be edited for length and clarity. We’re enjoying what our readers come up with! — amanda Dear Jan: … Read more<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":191,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"generate_page_header":""},"categories":[1738],"tags":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/44927"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/191"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=44927"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/44927\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=44927"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=44927"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=44927"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}