{"id":42701,"date":"2011-08-06T15:00:41","date_gmt":"2011-08-06T19:00:41","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/?p=42701"},"modified":"2011-08-05T15:53:17","modified_gmt":"2011-08-05T19:53:17","slug":"is-she-really-going-out-with-him-polymono-partnerships","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/polyamory\/is-she-really-going-out-with-him-polymono-partnerships\/","title":{"rendered":"Is She Really Going Out with Him? Poly\/Mono Partnerships"},"content":{"rendered":"

By Maria Padhila<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

If you\u2019re polyamorous, would you ever get involved with someone who\u2019s monogamous? If you\u2019re monogamous, would you ever even consider a relationship with someone who is poly? <\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
Poly Paradise at Burning Man. Photo by Eric.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

And when you encounter a relationship of such seeming opposites, do you think to yourself: How did that happen? How did it work out? And\/or: How could they ‘put up with’ it?<\/p>\n

Well, how does any relationship happen? And how do you ‘put up with’ anything the people you love do? You either love the things about them that make them different, or you shrug them off as annoying but ‘worth it’, or you can\u2019t deal, and you leave.<\/p>\n

But living in awareness requires self-monitoring of these kinds of emotions and thoughts, at every moment possible. What do you love, what can you live with, what is unacceptable, what is unacceptable today but might be rewarding tomorrow?<\/p>\n

Models of romance and marriage don\u2019t allow for this kind of ambiguity. It sounds cold, detached, unromantic. They say: Either you love him, every last thing about him, forever, or you don\u2019t. Either you\u2019re poly, or your mono. Either you truly care about me, or you still trade funny texts with your ex-girlfriend, you jerk. Eyes always on my face only, or you\u2019re a low-down dirty cheating bastard sneaking glances at that woman\u2019s chest. Yes, it tends to go in that direction, that kind of thinking. <\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

There are enough poly\/mono couples out there to create two email lists that fill my inbox. One is for poly people with mono partners (about 800 members); the other for monos with poly partners (about 700); but there\u2019s plenty of cross-posting. Several, but by no means all, are people who have just realized their desire to have more than one partner — or they\u2019re the partner of the person who has realized that desire. What do we do now?<\/em> is their big question. Others talk about boundaries and how they change, or the attitudes and difficulties of others, such as family members or poly partners. How to negotiate jealousy is of course a big one. The groups are lively and people are outspoken and have been pretty helpful.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve known, personally and through history, of courageous acceptances and even cherishing of vast differences, bridged through some kind of miracle of unconditional love. Men who not only stayed married to lesbians during times when coming out was deadly dangerous, but supported them financially and emotionally and socially, through whatever obstacles, allowing them all the freedom either could risk — for instance. I\u2019ve also known and read of people who have made dreadful, soul-killing or physically dangerous accommodations, because they could see no alternative, or because they feared the alternative.<\/p>\n

Are you making accommodations, or are you making a choice, one that is self-empowered, one that is made out of love? This is the crux of the issue, it seems to me. <\/p>\n

A woman whose writing I encountered through these email lists is one who does this kind of soul-search. Sage is a writer who is monogamous and lives with a polyamorous man. After the end of a 28-year marriage — with, she says, many of those years \u201cdifficult\u201d — she met her current partner, who told her he was polyamorous. Because she had considered open marriage in the past, she says, she didn\u2019t \u201crun for the hills.\u201d <\/p>\n

How did it work out? Recently, she wrote in her Polyamorous People blog<\/a>: <\/p>\n

Today is the three-year anniversary of my first date with Z and it\u2019s a time of natural reflection. Would I do it all again knowing what I know now?<\/p>\n

Would You?<\/p>\n

It\u2019s a really tricky question. My answer: No, I wouldn\u2019t do it again — if I could go back and keep all that I\u2019ve learned through having had the experience. A bit like being 19 again, knowing all that you know at 40 or 50. It just doesn\u2019t work that way, but oh, if only it could. I suppose it comes down to an underlying question: was there any easier way?<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

In her blog introduction, she writes: \u201cI don’t shy away from issues like sadness, insecurity and jealousy because they’re real, and I go through them just like everybody else \u2026\u201d <\/p>\n

She doesn\u2019t shy away from ambiguity, either. Every day\u2019s communications, whether in the blog or in email lists, reveal a willingness to question and be open about where she is in her journey, and to look frankly at whether these thoughts and opinions come from engaged reflection or just having a bad day. (I find the same sort of awareness among the commenters on Planet Waves; I rarely find it in the comment rolls on most mainstream sites, such as Salon and Slate, although many of those commenters admittedly have us beat when it comes to the snarky one-liner.) <\/p>\n

In fact, she even considered taking her book, Poly for a Partner<\/em>, off sale, because she worried it gave people too much hope that poly\/mono relationships are possible, and she wasn\u2019t seeing enough evidence of happy, functioning relationships around her to justify that. Currently, she\u2019s collecting stories of such relationships, in an effort to get a rounded picture. (It\u2019s the usual dilemma of research — you always hear about the problems; those who aren\u2019t troubled aren\u2019t writing in as often or as loudly.)<\/p>\n

The reaction she tends to get from others — and even from the voice inside herself — is \u201cWhat\u2019s in it for me?\u201d So she came up with a list of 11 benefits for a mono person in a relationship with a poly partner.<\/p>\n

The first: \u201cI didn\u2019t end my relationship. Ending an otherwise good relationship over just one issue is a very emotional, heart-wrenching affair.\u201d<\/p>\n

Second: \u201cI have an extremely happy, appreciative partner who realizes the lengths I have gone to understand and accept him. What goes around, comes around.\u201d<\/p>\n

Third: \u201cI am building a relationship with a woman I find very interesting and I wouldn\u2019t have otherwise gotten to know.\u201d<\/p>\n

But my favorite is number six: \u201cPolyamory is a great tool for personal growth and self- awareness.\u201d<\/p>\n

I think you could say that about all relationships, not simply polyamorous ones, though negotiating that kind does put it right in your face. Recently, the acupuncturist I go to said something I love and will remember always: \u201cRelationships are the technology for bringing up all the shit.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sage says more about this process of growth and self-awareness in other posts. For instance: \u201cTrying to impose monogamy on my current relationship would be forcing Z to be less than he is, which immediately sets up a dynamic of sacrifice. I would be aware of his sacrifice and feel that I must do the same. Instead of a relationship that allows us to be everything we want and need to be, it would have started contracting because it would have been built on sacrifice.\u201d<\/p>\n

Recently, she added two more benefits to the list. \u201cThese two are actually the most important of all, but they took a while to become evident,\u201d she writes:<\/p>\n

\u201c12. The satisfaction of allowing the person I love most in the world to be himself. This is different from compersion. If you can feel compersion that\u2019s wonderful, but I\u2019ll settle for solidly satisfied.<\/p>\n

\u201c13. Being in an open relationship has forced me to look for myself in ways that I don\u2019t believe I would have done in a monogamous relationship. It has provided the impetus for me to seek out and fill myself up with the things that make my heart sing and make me who I truly am, instead of too often trying to find those things via my partner.\u201d<\/p>\n

This is not to say that one can\u2019t do these things in a monogamous relationship, or in a self-relationship. But I\u2019m beginning to see that as long as one looks to others, you don\u2019t get the space to see and know yourself.<\/p>\n

The ironies abound, when it comes to my own present tense. My best friend recently looked at me sidelong and said, \u201cI don\u2019t know, it sounds to me like you better program in some downtime for yourself.\u201d I have not been alone, except when running, for weeks. And I haven\u2019t been running enough. The biggest irony: I\u2019m beginning to think (and hear) that both the men in my life are basically monogamous. That puts us in a not-unusual structure of the V with myself as a hinge (and hinges have to be flexible, so I damn well better make time to work out). <\/p>\n

OK, they both have ‘hall passes’. (And do I ever dislike the scenario of bad boy and punishing matriarch that the phrase calls to mind — though maybe it could be a little bit fun under some circumstances.) But they own their own sexuality — I don\u2019t make the rules for them, aside from health and safety boundaries. I think a big mistake of our society is making women responsible for issuing the passes, so to speak — we\u2019re supposed to control and channel men\u2019s sexuality, as if they aren\u2019t capable of doing it on their own. And everyone knows men are more than capable of doing it on their own. Bah-dum. <\/p>\n

But they don\u2019t seem compelled to use the passes at every opportunity. Yeah, sometimes it\u2019s good to just watch a game, and sometimes one has to fix the car. They\u2019re pretty busy guys. They\u2019ve got a lot going on, a lot of work and friends and things to do. It may be that the greatest additional<\/em> love of their lives may walk in the door this afternoon. But it\u2019s just as likely that in the future I may need to figure out how this poly\/mono thing works. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By Maria Padhila If you\u2019re polyamorous, would you ever get involved with someone who\u2019s monogamous? If you\u2019re monogamous, would you ever even consider a relationship with someone who is poly? And when you encounter a relationship of such seeming opposites, do you think to yourself: How did that happen? How did it work out? And\/or: … Read more<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":191,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"generate_page_header":""},"categories":[207],"tags":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/42701"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/191"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=42701"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/42701\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=42701"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=42701"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=42701"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}