{"id":42655,"date":"2011-08-04T18:00:04","date_gmt":"2011-08-04T22:00:04","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/?p=42655"},"modified":"2011-08-06T13:06:02","modified_gmt":"2011-08-06T17:06:02","slug":"i-want-to-change-but-how-get-to-the-root","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/psychology\/i-want-to-change-but-how-get-to-the-root\/","title":{"rendered":"I want to change, but how? Get to the root."},"content":{"rendered":"

Hello Jan,<\/p>\n

In your introductory article on Planet Waves you say you will offer insights into our questions of why we behave the way we behave, in spite of \u2018knowing better\u2019.<\/p>\n

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In the last few years I found a lot of answers to the question \u2018why?\u2019, but I am still really helpless when it comes to the question \u2018how to change?\u2019.<\/p>\n

When I tried to change with my sheer will, I found out far too often, that things turned out even worse. So I decided to just go with the flow, go with where ever\u00a0the energy will take me — and just watch, and feel. And I thought “maybe change will come around the corner” — just because of increased consciousness.<\/p>\n

Now I am watching, and feeling, and watching and feeling… but it looks like I am still running in circles.<\/p>\n

For example, I am watching how I am over and over drawn to the same kind of men. These father-like men I really don’t want to be with, but they are the only kind of men with whom I can feel the energy to connect with. Then there are these other men, who would fit far more as partners — as I think — but I can’t feel a thing.<\/p>\n

So now my question is, do you have any insights on how to change — smoothly — not only in thinking but in feeling?<\/p>\n

Thank you in advance,
\nStefanie<\/p>\n

Dear Stefanie,<\/p>\n

Thank you for your wonderful question, and for your courage in expressing your struggle so honestly. Every fall, when I begin teaching a new group of graduate students, I start with this joke: Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Only one, but the lightbulb has to really want to change. (Insert laugh of recognition here.)<\/p>\n

But the truth is, even when we really, really, really <\/em>want to change, we can still find our selves repeating self-defeating patterns over and over again. And as you so accurately point out, even having insight into our pattern, seeing it clearly and connecting the dots, isn\u2019t enough to make change possible. So, if motivation and awareness\/insight aren\u2019t enough, how do we change?<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

It might help to step back for a moment and look at why we repeat destructive behaviors in the first place. Humanity has known for ages that history repeats itself, that we are creatures of habit and short memories. But Freud was the first to understand that we repeat certain behaviors for a self-protective reason. He called it “the compulsion to repeat” or “repetition compulsion,” and he described that by repeating self-defeating behaviors and patterns in our present lives, we avoid remembering the traumatic origins of those behaviors in our past. Paradoxically, we act out in the present what we don\u2019t want to\/can\u2019t face from our past.<\/p>\n

Although we now have other ways to think about this concept of repetition compulsion — for example, the idea of forming neural circuits that are very hard to re-program (see last week\u2019s blog), the emotional underpinnings of this dilemma are still very real — something I have found true for myself and for my patients. Without exception, my experience has been that when we have been able to get to the roots of the experience, the pattern starts to change.\u00a0 So, in your example, although you understand that you\u2019re attracted to men who are like your father, although these men are not the men you would wish to be with, you don\u2019t have the right chemistry with men who don\u2019t fit this pattern. Somewhere in that chemistry equation lie the early roots of your relationship with your father, in all its good and bad. Whatever aspects you are unable to remember — in spite of your insight and motivation — will get repeated time and time again. Truly, what we don\u2019t remember, we are destined to repeat.<\/p>\n

So, how do we access these memories so that we can change?\u00a0There are many possibilities, all of them having to do with increased insight and self-awareness. Any type of work that would make increased awareness and the recovery of early memory possible would be very helpful. This might be depth-psychotherapy, body therapies like Hakomi, or safely-structured hypnotic regression. Realistically, it may be some combination of many types of approaches, because we store and retrieve early memories in a variety of ways. And then, just as I said last week, we need a commitment to changing the behaviors that keep the pattern going, because insight alone is never enough. As I say to my patients, change is like riding a bicycle, and insight and motivation are the two wheels. Each one is necessary to drive the other forward.<\/p>\n

Most important is to have extreme patience and compassion for yourself as you go through this process. Change is never easy, especially change related to the deepest aspects of our selves.\u00a0Those patterns, however self-defeating, have served a protective purpose and we owe them gratitude, even as we want to help them to go. If we can see the patterns as an opportunity for growth, development, and understanding, we can love them — and ourselves — more fully as we keep pedaling toward change.<\/p>\n

Thank you Stefanie and to all the readers who answered the call this week — keep your beautiful letters coming!<\/p>\n

Many blessings,
\nJan<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Hello Jan, In your introductory article on Planet Waves you say you will offer insights into our questions of why we behave the way we behave, in spite of \u2018knowing better\u2019. In the last few years I found a lot of answers to the question \u2018why?\u2019, but I am still really helpless when it comes … Read more<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6030,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"generate_page_header":""},"categories":[1738],"tags":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/42655"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/6030"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=42655"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/42655\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=42655"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=42655"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=42655"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}