{"id":42349,"date":"2011-07-30T15:00:07","date_gmt":"2011-07-30T19:00:07","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/?p=42349"},"modified":"2011-07-29T14:10:57","modified_gmt":"2011-07-29T18:10:57","slug":"the-parade-of-horribles-vs-the-party-of-five","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/polyamory\/the-parade-of-horribles-vs-the-party-of-five\/","title":{"rendered":"The Parade of Horribles vs. the Party of Five"},"content":{"rendered":"

By Maria Padhila<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

I\u2019m a little shaky writing this, so I\u2019m hoping readers will forgive in advance any shakiness in construction or expression. I\u2019m still traveling, and today I faced driving in the mountains. I have a driving phobia. It\u2019s a combination of hyper-vigilance — I\u2019m too aware of everything that can go wrong — PTSD, and just plain messed-up brain. I do various behavioral techniques to deal with it, and on a day-to-day basis, they work. On a road with a drop to a river on one side and sheer rock on the other, they don\u2019t. <\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
Poly Paradise at Burning Man. Photo by Eric.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

I won\u2019t take drugs for it — once, a therapist suggested Xanax. I countered with the suggestion that perhaps instead I try two shots of bourbon before getting on the road. Even if I weren\u2019t sure that drugs like that aren\u2019t for me, it seems ridiculously irresponsible to drive under the influence of what\u2019s essentially tricked-out Valium, even if it is legally prescribed.<\/p>\n

Isaac, because of his disability, can\u2019t drive, so he\u2019s stuck with me, as I scream and curse and hyperventilate when the going gets tough. The campground where we\u2019d been promised wireless didn\u2019t have it, so it was back in the car to find a caf\u00e9. I highly recommend the Terminal Brewpub in Chattanooga, which serves mostly locally sourced hippie food, and I wish I could relax and enjoy it, but I\u2019m still shaky. The three-hour panic attack set off on a talking jag over dinner that had me going into all kinds of awful memories, like the time a dear colleague and friend and I were working under a blatant harasser and she was told she was supposed to \u201cput up with it, you\u2019re in a tough business.\u201d<\/p>\n

(On top of that, we were doing all his work for him, while he pulled down big checks. Such was life.) I am glad most of that is in the past, though it obviously continues to inform my behavior and emotions. <\/p>\n

Perhaps some coffee will help, right? Great idea! I\u2019m not looking forward to the drive back to the campground. But I am looking forward to the tent and the cicadas and the clear, rain-free night.<\/p>\n

When I checked my email earlier, I had a message from Planet Waves about a suit filed by Kody Brown, the guy from the reality show Sister Wives<\/em>. I haven\u2019t seen it, but people on email lists and blogs about polyamory that I follow talk about it.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Brown and his four wives — one legal, the other four \u201cspiritual,\u201d in their words — have been targeted since going on the reality show. The state says they\u2019re breaking Utah law on polygamy. They are members of the Apostolic United Brethren Church, a fundamentalist Mormon group that officially abandoned polygamy as a practice more than 100 years ago. The family, which has 16 children, has been under criminal investigation for a year. There never was nor is there any evidence of abuse or allegations of abuse. The family is not seeking any legal recognition of its bonds. It appears simply that the state has decided it is criminal for five adults to live together and call themselves husband and wives. <\/p>\n

Every time I\u2019ve read about the way some polyamorists eat up the Sister Wives<\/em> show, I\u2019ve discounted the whole phenomenon, thinking, \u201cwhat does a spiritually based practice among people who are probably wild right-wingers have to do with polyamory as I know it?\u201d Well, plenty, if I\u2019d manage to shift my ass out of my own limited perspective. Like Larry Flynt and feminists uniting over free speech, this issue too makes for some strange bedfellows.<\/p>\n

I had a distinct sense of d\u00e9j\u00e0 vu — my own thoughts coming back at me — when I read this in The Economist blog<\/a>: <\/p>\n

Imagine the family of a twice-divorced, thrice-married woman with one child from each union. Let’s say she’s a stay-at-home mom who has custody of all the kids, and gets child-support payments from her first two husbands. So, children with three different fathers live together in a single household, supported by a portion of three different mens’ income. How is this not de facto polyandry? How significant is it, really, that her first two husbands don’t happen to live with their kids and her third husband? Suppose they move in. What then? Is it okay as long as they pay rent? As long as they no longer love the mother of their children, or vice versa? I say it’s okay as long as everyone involved says it’s okay.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

In a news release, the Loving More national nonprofit educational organization<\/a>, said:<\/p>\n

Though religious based polygamy and secular polyamory come from very different backgrounds and basis, they share in common the belief that people can love romantically and spiritually more than one person.
\n… <\/p>\n

The unfortunate truth is Mormon polygamy has often been associated with child sexual abuse and abuse against women. Loving More recognizes this problem and does not condone adults engaging with anyone underage in a sexual relationship, polyamorous or otherwise. Many monogamous unions based in fundamental religious practices suffer similar and even the same abuses.
\n… <\/p>\n

\u2018I believe it is important to separate the issues of personal relationship choice, abuse of women and children and sexual abuse,\u2019 says Robyn [Trask, the group\u2019s executive director]. \u2018Abuse against children and women is rampant and is an issue unto itself, though sometimes linked to fundamentalist Mormon sects, it can just as easily be linked to both radical religions as well as mainstream organizations such as the Catholic Church. It is my hope this case will sever the issues of polygamy, polyamory and abuse.\u2019<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I tried to call Trask tonight, but it\u2019s late in Colorado, and her voice mail is full — hopefully by reporters looking for comments, and not haters. <\/p>\n

Some say (some includes the New York Times<\/em><\/a>) that coming down on polygamists is a way to help garner more support for same-sex marriage, by showing that other ‘deviant\u2019 behavior will not flood society as a result. That is, that state laws \u201cbased on moral choices,\u201d as Justice Antonin Scalia put it, are not all threatened by same-sex marriage. Here\u2019s how it works: Opponents to same-sex marriage contend that making gay marriage legal will lead to all kinds of other problems (the infamous congressman Rick Santorum was actually one of the first to throw this one in the mix), such as legalized bestiality. <\/p>\n

Ignorant, insulting, and absurd, this argument is known as the \u201cparade of horribles.\u201d Sadly, some supporters of same-sex marriage appear happy to let the parade keep marching on after they\u2019ve made their case clear. Their issue isn\u2019t part of the parade, but mine is. Witness this from the Times<\/em>: \u201cSuch arguments, often referred to as the \u2018parade of horribles’, are logically flawed, said Jennifer C. Pizer, a professor at the law school at the University of California, Los Angeles, and legal director for the school\u2019s Williams Institute, which focuses on sexual orientation law.\u2019\u2019<\/p>\n

So far, so true. But then:<\/p>\n

\u201cThe questions surrounding whether same-sex couples should be allowed to marry are significantly different from those involved in criminal prosecution of multiple marriages, Ms. Pizer noted. Same-sex couples are seeking merely to participate in the existing system of family law for married couples, she said, while \u2018you\u2019d have to restructure the family law system in a pretty fundamental way\u2019 to recognize polygamy.\u201d<\/p>\n

Yes, such arguments are \u201clogically flawed\u201d — but that flaw applies across the board, not simply to the flawed practice of denying same-sex couples the right to marry. Here\u2019s what Brown\u2019s lawyer, Jonathan Turley of George Washington University, has to say, from the same article:<\/p>\n

\u201cProfessor Turley called the one-thing-leads-to-another arguments ‘a bit of a constitutional canard’, and argued that removing criminal penalties for polygamy ‘will take society nowhere in particular’.”<\/p>\n

That is, people will keep on marching to the same drummers they\u2019ve been inclined to march to — no parades, but no prosecution, either. Just families putting themselves together in the ways that work for them.<\/p>\n

Yet in their haste not to be touched by the scandal of polygamy, same-sex marriage advocates rush to separate and differentiate themselves from this. I\u2019ve even said to myself: Screw it, the rights of gay people are just more important than those of polyamorists right now. After all, we\u2019re not getting arrested, blackmailed, discriminated against, prosecuted, beat up — and they have been, for way too long.<\/p>\n

Except, umm. Well. A family under criminal investigation for a year. Well.<\/p>\n

I really, really don\u2019t want to be in the position where my right not to be prosecuted for having two men in my life jeopardizes one of my friends\u2019 rights to have a lovely legal marriage with her girlfriend. Why do these decisions need to be made from a position of scarcity, as if there were only so many rights, so many good outcomes to go around? When I find myself in arguments with ‘conservatives’ or family members (sometimes one and the same) about the issue, say, of slavery among agricultural workers (which really is slavery and which goes on more often than you might realize), they often make the ‘argument’ that \u201cthese people are just happy to have a job.\u201d <\/p>\n

\u201cThey WANT these jobs,\u201d one argues. \u201cThey come all the way here, illegally, to get these jobs!\u201d<\/p>\n

Well, um, OK. I want people to have the jobs they want, too. I just don\u2019t want them to be literally worked to death, sprayed with pesticides that cause permanent damage and birth defects, locked in trailers or shacks until they die of the heat, denied clean water and education, stuff like that. Who says it\u2019s impossible to have it both ways?<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve been having it both ways for a while now. And it is possible. What you need are reasonable people who try to communicate and negotiate. It helps a lot to know how to do this. It helps a lot to have a certain level of resources so you can have a secure place to live and decent sleep and food. It helps more to have a network of support or know how to access information that can help you. But it starts with simply having people who are willing to talk and have the desire to make it possible.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By Maria Padhila I\u2019m a little shaky writing this, so I\u2019m hoping readers will forgive in advance any shakiness in construction or expression. I\u2019m still traveling, and today I faced driving in the mountains. I have a driving phobia. It\u2019s a combination of hyper-vigilance — I\u2019m too aware of everything that can go wrong — … Read more<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":191,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"generate_page_header":""},"categories":[207],"tags":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/42349"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/191"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=42349"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/42349\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=42349"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=42349"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=42349"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}