{"id":36294,"date":"2011-03-29T12:00:16","date_gmt":"2011-03-29T17:00:16","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/?p=36294"},"modified":"2011-03-29T14:43:08","modified_gmt":"2011-03-29T19:43:08","slug":"obliterating-the-sky-thoughts-on-rejection","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/daily-astrology\/obliterating-the-sky-thoughts-on-rejection\/","title":{"rendered":"Obliterating the Sky: thoughts on rejection"},"content":{"rendered":"

Editor\u2019s Note: In March 2010, we began posting the work of Enceno Macy<\/a><\/strong>, an inmate in a US prison. Enceno\u2019s articles are sent handwritten, then typed and edited by a trusted editor. Comments typed into the response area will be sent directly to Enceno. Thanks for reading and for the warm response he’s received each time. \u2013efc & ajp<\/em><\/p>\n

by Enceno Macy<\/strong><\/p>\n

Beware of allowing a tactless word, a rebuttal, a rejection to obliterate the whole sky.<\/em><\/p>\n

— Diary of Ana\u00efs Nin, January 1944<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

The prison library for some reason does not have any books by Mary Higgins Clark<\/a>, so I haven’t read any, but as an author she is impressive as hell. She is 83 years old and has written 42 books, every one of them a best-seller. She still writes one or two books a year and gets $4 to $5 million in advance<\/em> for each one — pretty good for a former airline stewardess and single mom who got 40 rejection notices for her first story before finding a publisher.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
Mural on the former home of the Albany Licensed Plumbers Association, Albany, NY. Photo from alloveralbany.com<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Forty rejection notices! How does a person persevere against such repeated rejection? How does she maintain enough confidence to keep trying when one rejection after another comes along? And what an incredible rush when finally, against such odds, she was accepted!<\/p>\n

Prison is of course the ultimate rejection by society: not only total physical rejection but also spiritual and mental abandonment, because the first and most terrible thing a prisoner is aware of from the day the doors clang shut is that to the world outside he no longer exists and is not worth remembering. From that moment on, prison by its nature is an exercise in repeated rejection. For most if not all prisoners, the pattern goes back to their earliest memories. How is it that some of us give in to the most common — even trivial — rejections, while others persevere and overcome them? I don’t have an answer to that.<\/p>\n

Looking back, my own first rejections now seem innocent and inconsequential. I was black in a white, redneck school, I was big for my age, and slow and clumsy. Also, I was probably more immature than a lot of kids my age. Often I was the last chosen for teams and school projects, and being aware and hurt made me uncomfortable to be around. This limited my number of friends drastically. I didn’t understand that I was different and that people — especially kids — don’t always take well to the unordinary. Trying to make friends was difficult, and the rejections — frequently being excluded or made fun of — made me cry as a child. When I grew older and was courted by the football coach, it didn’t help that I refused because football was too violent.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

My rejection potential certainly improved with my willingness and ability to get into trouble, even the most petty kinds. I began stealing, talking back and vandalizing at a very young age. Once I was labeled as that kind of child, doors began to close. Nobody wants someone suspicious or untrustworthy around. And now I see what a circular thing rejection becomes. Being excluded and told \u201cno\u201d happened so often that I stopped even trying to be good or wanting to be included. I discovered that being a criminal justified<\/em> all the rejections: doing bad things made it okay if people turned their backs because I deserved it. On top of that destructive thinking, I actually wanted<\/em> to be rejected, because having someone accept me meant living up to their standards and fulfilling certain responsibilities.<\/p>\n

Now that I am grown, the rejections continue, and the worthlessness I feel from them is just as bad as it used to be. But unlike before, rejections do not deter me from continuing to try, and sometimes if you just keep going, miracles do happen. After nearly 15 years in maximum security prisons — 15 years without a single violent incident or any infraction more serious than mouthing off to guards — I qualified last year for minimum security status. I was moved to a minimum facility, but within a few months was suddenly moved back to a maximum security place hundreds of miles farther from home and family. The counselor tried to get me moved to any of seven minimum outfits, all of which rejected me even though I was the lowest possible custody level. It took ten months to get returned back to the minimum place I’d been, but even here I am denied access to certain work crews and classes, although I meet every qualification for them. Prisoners have no recourse against such arbitrary rejections.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

At first, being moved to minimum seemed a mixed blessing. For one thing, it is very difficult to write as much as I used to. Minimum security is generally for short-timers and people whose sentences have only a few more years to run, and it is meant to give us some preparation for getting out. Unfortunately, budget cuts have now closed all other minimum facilities in the state, and all their inmates have been dumped in here at the same time that staff cuts happened. The result is massive overcrowding and elimination of most of the programs preparing us for release.<\/p>\n

For me, the worst consequence is that in this place there are no individual cells; instead, hundreds of inmates are warehoused in airplane-hangar-like dormitories, large areas packed with bunk beds on all sides. This environment is very indifferent or even hostile to the solitude I used to enjoy in a cell. There I was able to spend hours alone to study, read, think and write. I could collect my various thoughts on a subject and shape them into rational scenarios and contrasting ideas.<\/p>\n

In my current environment I am two feet away from strangers on three sides of me and one above me. Double-decker rows of loud, obnoxious, disrespectful, inconsiderate short-timers continue for 30 feet in each direction. All of their conversations with each other are loud, vulgar and lacking any substance. Some can be asked for a bit of consideration, but most of them receive such requests as a challenge to their manhood and take offense. Under usual circumstances I would not tolerate such a reaction, but for the first time in these 15 years I now have something to be compliant for. In December, I was granted a chance that no one else in my situation has ever been privileged to have.<\/p>\n

There is a welding program set up here through the local community college. Unfortunately, I do not qualify for it under the grant that supports it, but the program is set up in a shop that has two positions available for non-student inmates. In December, I was hired for one of those positions. The job — caring for all the shop tools — gives me full access to the welding class: I can learn all that the students learn, and more. This is the first time in all my years in prison that I am learning to make something tangible with my hands.<\/p>\n

It’s impossible to say how much this means to me. The attitudes and policies of the prison system and staff have consistently been that I don’t deserve a chance like this. So the job and the welding class are a big turning point for me. I have been given the chance the system denied me for so long, and now have the opportunity to learn skills that will contribute to my success after release. Even more important is that the instructor — a college teacher, not prison staff — trusts and believes in me to such an extent, an experience rarer than hen’s teeth in this environment.<\/p>\n

It is hard to be turned down at every opportunity, especially when you see others who have ruined their own opportunities get second and third chances. It’s so easy to let rejection blot out all hope, to give in to feelings of inability and low worth, and many people give up trying even when they know they are skilled and able. Yet somehow an airline stewardess kept on trying through 40 rejections while others who could barely put a sentence together got published. Maybe sheer, bull-headed persistence can keep one going even when prison walls obliterate the sky.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Editor\u2019s Note: In March 2010, we began posting the work of Enceno Macy, an inmate in a US prison. Enceno\u2019s articles are sent handwritten, then typed and edited by a trusted editor. Comments typed into the response area will be sent directly to Enceno. Thanks for reading and for the warm response he’s received each … Read more<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"generate_page_header":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/36294"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=36294"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/36294\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=36294"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=36294"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=36294"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}