{"id":25947,"date":"2010-06-14T13:55:35","date_gmt":"2010-06-14T18:55:35","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/?p=25947"},"modified":"2011-06-03T17:57:28","modified_gmt":"2011-06-03T21:57:28","slug":"notes-on-loneliness","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/daily-astrology\/notes-on-loneliness\/","title":{"rendered":"Notes on Loneliness"},"content":{"rendered":"

By Enceno Macy<\/strong><\/em> | Illustration by Sergei Chepik<\/a><\/p>\n

Editor’s Note: <\/strong>In April, we began posting the work of Enceno Macy<\/strong><\/a>, an inmate in a US prison. Enceno’s articles are sent handwritten, then typed and edited by a trusted editor. Comments typed into the response area will be sent directly to Enceno. Thanks for reading and for the warm response he received last time –efc<\/em><\/p>\n

Three years ago, the Federal Bureau of Prisons secretly built two experimental \u201cCommunication Management Unit\u201d prisons, one in Terre Haute, Indiana, and the other in Marion, Illinois. These secret prisons were ostensibly designed to prevent terrorists from communicating with each other or with anyone inside or outside the federal prison system. In reality, information leaked out through lawsuits and prisoners’ families reveals that inmates are sent to the secret facilities for their religious beliefs, unpopular political views, environmental activism, or in retaliation for challenging other rights violations within the federal prison system.<\/p>\n

The Communication Management Units severely restrict all inmate contact or communication with each other or with family, friends, or other outsiders. No physical contact whatsoever is allowed. Phone calls are also severely restricted, as is access to educational and employment programs. Inmates are transferred to the units with no explanation, no due process, and no recourse; the only avenue to complain or appeal is to the authority that placed them there.<\/p>\n

Thanks to a [lawsuit brought by the Center for Constitutional Rights], the federal Communication Management Units are no longer a secret. What is disturbing is that the picture that has emerged is little different from your average state prison<\/strong><\/a>.<\/p>\n

It is in human nature to desire interaction and\/or companionship with another living, breathing being. Some humans find it in other humans, some find it in animals and\/or nature, and others can substitute the living, breathing part with spiritual comfort. But many can’t, as is evident in those who have been isolated from all human contact. This is a common punishment in prison. They call it segregation, \u201cseg,\u201d which is a form of solitary confinement.<\/p>\n

Those who are at all familiar with jail know about segregation, or \u201cthe hole,\u201d as it’s often called. There are varying degrees of segregation, from total to partial isolation, all involving deprivations of mail, visits, telephone, television, radio, companions, reading material, exercise, or communication. Inmates are routinely sent to the hole for anything from petty infractions, like taking four books from the library cart instead of three, to serious assaults and volatile behavior. They can be kept there for as little as a few days to months or even years. Regardless of what a person has done to deserve such treatment, the longer the isolation the higher the possibility of psychosis or serious mental damage occurring.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Desperate for any human interaction, an inmate in the hole will create situations — usually negative — that require as much interaction as possible with prison staff or guards, for as long as possible. Boredom contributes to some of these incidents, but most of the time the staff dismiss as boredom what are really cries for help. The guards’ contempt and indifference increase the loneliness by making inmates feel less than human, cut off from decent treatment or attention. A common result is an inmate in the hole loses all hope and takes his own life.<\/p>\n

The attitude that convicts deserve such suffering is faulty with regard to segregation, which has far-reaching and unpredictable consequences. Severe isolation can completely alter a person’s perception of himself and of the world, creating a monster of a person whose original crime was not violent at all. That monster will be let out one day, permanently warped and inured to violence. Society’s lust for vengeance has this way of blowing back on it.<\/p>\n

Aside from the hole, prison involves other forms of isolation. Sometimes you can be around others 24\/7 and feel more alone than if you were by yourself, the connection with others fading over time (or never being a possibility to begin with). You look around and realize that nobody in your life is anything like you or can possibly relate to you. As in my situation.<\/p>\n

Loneliness cuts you off from other people’s realities. It is caused by one or more of these things: one’s inability to break through fear of letting his guard down; the antisocial or awkward personality of one or both parties; or the inability to truly care or be honest.<\/p>\n

Inside or outside the wire, loneliness is not uncommon, but for inmates it is complicated because they fear being perceived as weak. Whereas some may be young, or for whatever reason have never been able to properly identify their emotions, most prisoners ignore, deny, or lie to themselves and others about being lonely so they will not appear weak by letting a softness show. Any softness in prison is considered a weakness, and the weak are easy prey. With no place to vent it \u2013 many having burned their bridges with anyone on the outside who might otherwise have stayed in contact to alleviate the loneliness \u2013 the pain builds and builds, adding to the bitterness the inmate already feels.<\/p>\n

This is the downward spiral of loneliness. The more a person denies his loneliness, the less willing he is to be social or encounter potential friends, and the less likely he is to allow anyone to relieve his loneliness. Add to this the shame factor \u2013 or embarrassment \u2013 of even acknowledging that he is lonely, since being lonely implies that he is unloved and somehow flawed. Inevitably, he lashes out in what are cries for help to try to lessen the pain of feeling unloved and unwanted.<\/p>\n

In prison, loneliness is compounded by the fact that being kept away from society affirms an inmate’s sense of unworthiness and unwantedness. Restrictions on contact with the outside world make reconnecting close to impossible. Eventually, guys enter back into society with no social tools and even less likelihood of having meaningful relationships or repairing the ones they once had. Their own kids, wife, and family are strangers.<\/p>\n

I have a mother who loves me, along with a little brother. They have been constants all the years I’ve been in. Others (very few) on the outside may love me when I am on their mind, but over time that happens less and less and finally they stop caring or remembering. Whether or not this is true, it is the only reality I have, since it is all I can account for. It’s all I know. And when you’ve had people tell you they love you and want to be in your life, and then fade out altogether, their absence makes the loss of companionship even more painful when they’re gone. I get by with my mother’s love; she gives me more companionship than I would ever get from anyone else and I appreciate it more than she can imagine. But that does not keep me from desiring the kind of attention and interaction that she cannot provide.<\/p>\n

I haven’t had a girlfriend in a long time. Someone to tell me how I look and that she thinks about me at intimate times. That she wants my company romantically instead of anyone else’s. Someone who wants my attention and love, whom I can share secrets with and connect with mentally. The public generally thinks inmates’ desire for females is sexual obsession, but the things I long for aren’t things sex can substitute for.<\/p>\n

Falling in love in prison is not the same as in high school or books. I met a girl through a friend when I was 16, soon after going to prison. I was still in contact with many people outside then, including my high school girlfriend, so at first this new girl was just a pen-pal. She was only 14 at the time, and I didn’t really take her seriously, since I still had all these other people writing. One by one over the years, all those people dropped out of my life, but still this girl kept writing. We both lacked the skills to express our emotions, but we wrote sexual and romantic scenarios back and forth. Months would go by sometimes that we didn’t write, but for the most part, she kept at me. Through all my transitions, she was there, even during my brief foray into going christian. Her letters were never deep, but a great comfort nonetheless.<\/p>\n

Finally, after almost five years, I met her. She couldn’t visit before because she had to wait until she turned 18. We held hands in the visiting room and fell in love. No question, 100 percent love. We got to really talk for the first time, and when I went back to my cell I wrote her for hours. We went on with romantic letters and visits over the next year, but eventually transitions in our separate lives butted heads and we argued a little. Then the reality of my time kicked in for her. Our letters grew farther and farther apart, and the romance in them slowly disappeared. She still came to visit every once in a while, but kisses and hugs turned to just formal hugs. Her dressing nice turned into sweat pants and a t-shirt. Our conversations no longer mentioned a future together, and she began including a boyfriend in her various accounts of her life. Finally in 2006 she came only twice in the whole year and took months to write. She was still a good friend, but one day she just never wrote back.<\/p>\n

It is hard to have an emotion but no one to feel it for. Eventually you begin feeling it for the wrong people, because the urge to love someone is so intense. And then it fades, only surfacing on occasion when a certain song plays or something reminds you of past loves. The loneliness feels all that much greater when you have the emotion but no one to give it to. Just emptiness.<\/p>\n

In here, friends are made on occasion — I have made a few — but those are the exceptions, not the rule for me. I have been let down so much in my life by people I’ve considered friends that it took years to figure out what friendship meant to me. I was lucky to find a couple fellow inmates who had the same criteria for friendship. It is close to impossible to trust anyone in here, and I don’t even trust them 100 percent. But sometimes one has to take a chance at letting his guard down, to overcome his anxieties and become less lonely by finding surrogate brothers.<\/p>\n

Many guys attempt to alleviate their loneliness by latching onto the camaraderie found among people involved in the same causes \u2013 in this case the positives and negatives of being a convict, locked up. A lot of them will look to join one of the many prison or street gangs, which ensures that most prisons they are sent to they will find associates or affiliates and feel less lonely and vulnerable. That kind of connection means a lot, because the state moves prisoners from one prison to another with very little reason, or none at all, so you can never count on staying in one place or on friendships enduring.<\/p>\n

Others are able to find guys not in gangs but who share common interests, goals, and ideals. I met the very few guys I now call my friends through being in the hole with a guy whose disloyalty had cost him his friends’ and partners’ support. When I got back to mainline, I talked to one of those former partners, a guy named Kell (all names are changed here), who explained what had happened.<\/p>\n

Meeting Kell was a turning point for me. We talked about friendship and discovered that we had a lot in common on the subject. I had grown up having the same kinds of friends as any other kid — sleep-overs, play-dates, parties, etc. But in my early teens, for whatever reason, I ended up having only one consistently true friend. We talked about that. Both Kell’s and my criteria for friendship hovered on one idea: loyalty. That meant that the friend would never leave you alone to deal with issues and would be there no matter how bad the weather. A friend would also not leave you to stand alone against the size of an issue, no matter how big the storm. A friend puts you before non-friends and will fight or stick up for you even if you’re not there. And a friend won’t lie to you.<\/p>\n

After many conversations on this and other topics, we began to let our guard down and be friends \u2013 something extremely dangerous in this environment. Along with Kell in many of our conversations was a partner of his named Stiles, who also shared the views we discussed. In time, a real quality friendship developed among us. It took years — a lot tests of each other — but in the end, I would risk my life for either of them.<\/p>\n

Through Kell and Stiles, I have made other friends, but none that approach what we are to each other. If I need something and they have or can get it, they make sure I get it, and vice versa. If any of us has some kind of luxury, we share it with the others. We are there to help each other through the bad patches. There are lots of bad patches in prison.<\/p>\n

The loneliness is so much less knowing you have guys who support you whether you are wrong or right. Who will forgive you even when you stubbornly won’t admit you’re wrong. Who help you try to become the best at whatever you want to do or try. Good hearts in a bad place. Comfort.<\/p>\n

This is the only reality I have. It’s all I know. And part of the reality is that at any moment, for the pettiest reason or no reason at all, this last comfort and hold on sanity can be taken away without notice or recourse. The feds’ experimental Communications Management Units are hardball versions of that reality.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By Enceno Macy | Illustration by Sergei Chepik Editor’s Note: In April, we began posting the work of Enceno Macy, an inmate in a US prison. Enceno’s articles are sent handwritten, then typed and edited by a trusted editor. Comments typed into the response area will be sent directly to Enceno. Thanks for reading and … Read more<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"generate_page_header":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/25947"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=25947"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/25947\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=25947"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=25947"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=25947"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}