{"id":22381,"date":"2010-02-08T20:14:58","date_gmt":"2010-02-09T01:14:58","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/?p=22381"},"modified":"2010-02-09T08:16:36","modified_gmt":"2010-02-09T13:16:36","slug":"reply-to-indrani","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/daily-astrology\/reply-to-indrani\/","title":{"rendered":"Reply to Indrani"},"content":{"rendered":"

This is in reply to a post right below Aunt Sarah.<\/em><\/p>\n

Dear Indrani:<\/p>\n

I’ve been thinking about your post all day. Well, really, a lot longer. I gave you top billing because so many people experience this situation you describe, or something like it. I think there are a few things going on. I began to notice this in my astrology practice years ago, and among my coolest, kindest male friends. People with, or getting, their act together could not find partners. I have also noticed that the more focused I became, the more successful, the less emotionally messed up, the less access I had; the more challenging it was to find a relationship. At many phases in my 20s and 30s I was a sex magnet. I don’t think it was merely that I was younger. For quite a while as a I grew and began to work stuff out, I seemed to have ever less access. So I’ve been watching this one for a while.<\/p>\n

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Zoe at the Grandmother Land.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

The first question I had for you after reading your post, and I would appreciate if you would respond, is: what would constitute acceptable, good, or great sex for you? Would you please give me some examples of situations that would have you in a position where you would say yes? Can you describe what you want? You don’t need to give all the gushy details, but please describe circumstances that you either desire, or that would pass muster. This can be for the ‘just sex’ part, or some relational situation that would work.<\/p>\n

Okay, now for my theory. I think that as we grow and build integrity, we install filters. These prevent certain people from getting through. The old circumstances that might have worked (or not worked so well, but resulted in sex) in the past no longer work.<\/p>\n

You’re Hindu so you may think of it as related to karma: the more of your own karma you work off, the less tolerance you may have for those who have not, and whose stuff you don’t want to take on. A lot and I do mean a LOT of karma is potentially transmitted in sex, as everything from the potential for pregnancy to STDs to commitments to weird stuff on the nonphysical. Part of growth will, with any luck, be about filtering this out. Said in one sentence, the less integrity you have, the easier it is to find sex. But most of the stuff that’s going around is not the good stuff; it’s a kind of substitute.<\/p>\n

Therefore the people with integrity who appreciate sex and are willing to give sex and not just get it, or withhold it, need to speak up; need to step up and GIVE what they have; what we have. I’ve long wondered about how everyone seems to want to get<\/em> sex. Who thinks about the sex they want to share? <\/em>Okay with a steady partner, yes, but what about outside that context?
\n<\/em><\/p>\n

In theory, as you grow, you would be gaining the ability to spot the right people; but the prior pattern does not usually repair itself overnight. It takes time to develop the new limbic pathways — emotional brain pathways that carry the new relational information. This is established neurology. You are literally teaching your brain to relate differently; to perceive existence differently.<\/p>\n

This is doable; learning is basic to growth. However, we have some special cultural problems at the moment. There are not relationship modalities in common use or knowledge that are able to contain the current changes in our psyches, in energy, in our needs. The world is changing fast, and we are clinging to the same old relationship rules. As Adrienne Rich said, “There are methods but we do not use them.” Most people are still on the dating-marriage track, or the swinging single track (mysteriously, designed to lead to marriage) or the involved-but-cheating track.<\/p>\n

There are many other options, but they are basically taboo (and the discussion often gets shouted down) — and we who need those options need to open up those ideas. Remember: form follows function.<\/p>\n

Further, we may be alive at the most sex-negative time in history. True, the 30s and the 40s were no party, but I don’t think it was this bad; the ignorance and taboo are certainly comparable, the paranoia is just astonishing, and the sense of self seems to be way way way down; and finally there is not so much rebellion or celebration in the air. Plus, a lot of people know they are hurt and have pulled back, particularly under all these sex-negative messages. Many are totally fed up. Part of what we are suffering from is a kind of sexual atrophy, coupled with compassion fatigue. We need to learn to feel again, and to state what we want, and learn how to give, and to find a way to burn off all this guilt that holds us down again and again, sometimes for many decades.<\/p>\n

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Aly, from the Book of Blue by Eric Francis.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

These factors create an environment wherein many people feel or believe they cannot express what they want: often because they don’t feel safe doing so, or they feel paralyzed or inept or intimidated. Most post-adolescent women remain unable to make social or sexual advances, having been beaten into passivity once again.<\/p>\n

The Internet (such as social networking) is sucking up huge amounts of energy and many, many, many people have skipped the bother of relationships and basically do porn, long-distance or fantasy. The ‘benefit’ is control.<\/p>\n

One last point for tonight. You said, “the Lonely Act is simply that \u2014 lonely and no damn fun).” I know you are talking about masturbation. In my view, masturbation is the core of sex. I have a little guide that I use. If you want to know how someone feels about sex, ask them how they feel about masturbation. Everyone will tell you how great sex is; how much they love it; what a prude they are not; but many people give a radically different viewpoint on masturbation. I think that this is the place to start. Make masturbation into selflovemaking. Make it interesting.<\/p>\n

There are a number of dynamics playing themselves out in human consciousness in our era, and one of them involves balancing gender within; seeking ‘the other’ within — our psychic inner twin, our shadow, our inner spouse or lover. I suggest that you hang really, really loose and spend as much time as you can in front of a mirror, reconciling with yourself and looking for that sense of presence within. I don’t mean ‘jill off’ in the usual sense, the quick maintenance orgasm; I mean, take a journey. Do the unspeakable. Write about it. Photograph yourself. Learn, in the safety of self-to-self relating, to have no inhibitions. I cannot promise you that will provide more partner sex in your life, but I have a hunch you that you will embark on a new phase in your journey of sexual awakening.<\/p>\n

When you seek lovers, I suggest that you find the ones that are affirmative about masturbation; the ones that can hold space for themselves, and not project everything onto the women around them. The same is true for your own inner maleness, which manifests many ways. And of course your femaleness, and the place where the two meet. And it’s vital to open up to the universe, blow off steam, equalize your inner pressure with the cosmic pressure and learn the art of deep, honest, unfettered self-fulfillment. We would be happier people and better lovers if we all did that.<\/p>\n

love and lovingly,<\/p>\n

Eric Francis<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

This is in reply to a post right below Aunt Sarah. Dear Indrani: I’ve been thinking about your post all day. Well, really, a lot longer. I gave you top billing because so many people experience this situation you describe, or something like it. I think there are a few things going on. I began … Read more<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"generate_page_header":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/22381"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=22381"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/22381\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=22381"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=22381"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=22381"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}