{"id":16315,"date":"2009-07-08T05:46:19","date_gmt":"2009-07-08T10:46:19","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/?p=16315"},"modified":"2009-07-08T10:12:19","modified_gmt":"2009-07-08T15:12:19","slug":"steroid-weekly-interviews-rex-%e2%80%9cthe-pusher%e2%80%9d-fallon","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/daily-astrology\/steroid-weekly-interviews-rex-%e2%80%9cthe-pusher%e2%80%9d-fallon\/","title":{"rendered":"Steroid Weekly interviews Rex \u0432\u0402\u045aThe Pusher\u0432\u0402\u045c Fallon"},"content":{"rendered":"

Editor\u0432\u0402\u2122s Note:<\/strong> The following article is from Steroid Weekly, a newsletter dedicated to the interesting effects and evolution of legal steroid usage in the Enhanced Leagues. Steroid Weekly interviews Rex \u0432\u0402\u045aThe Pusher\u0432\u0402\u045c Fallon, president of the Player Enhanced Sports Union. (Eric’s Note<\/strong>: This is actually a satire, originally published in Next World Stories, written by Carol van Strum and Jordan Merrell in Oregon. Imagine…a sports league dedicated to steroids.)
\n<\/em><\/p>\n

S.W. : Mr. Fallon, why do they call you \u0432\u0402\u045athe Pusher\u0432\u0402\u045c and how did you become president of PESU?<\/p>\n

\"<\/a>
<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

R.F.: I\u0432\u0402\u2122m tha\u0432\u0402\u2122 pusha\u0432\u0402\u2122 \u0432\u0402?cuz I can push a lotta weight, wanna see?<\/p>\n

S.W. : Er, no. I am aware of your strength.<\/p>\n

R.F.: I got to runnin\u0432\u0402\u2122 things when we had a tournament of fightin\u0432\u0402\u2122 to see who could wup who. I\u0432\u0402\u2122m too big to be hurt so it wasn\u0432\u0402\u2122t hard to crush my opprah \u0432\u0402\u201c uh \u0432\u0402\u201c opponents.<\/p>\n

S.W. : Yes, the incident was widely publicized. Didn\u0432\u0402\u2122t the man die from his injuries?<\/p>\n

R.F. : Yeah. But see he should\u0432\u0402\u2122a just gave me the job. He knew the \u0432\u0402\u201c uh \u0432\u0402\u201c he took the risk.<\/p>\n

S.W. : So you must have some good qualifications to have been given the job of president. What were they?<\/p>\n

R.F. : \u0432\u0402?Cuz I\u0432\u0402\u2122m bigger than everybody else and I wanted it more.<\/p>\n

S.W.: That\u0432\u0402\u2122s it?<\/p>\n

R.F. : Yep.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

S.W.: Okay. Well! We have certainly seen some extraordinary feats in this new sports league. Particularly baseball. The home run champ this year hit 107 home runs \u0432\u0402\u201c the record so far in the league. Do you think this record will be broken?<\/p>\n

R.F.: Oh sure. Yeah. The average player is like 250 pounds so you can figure around 100 homers a year should be normal. See, that\u0432\u0402\u2122s why we\u0432\u0402\u2122re gonna be moving the outfield fences back oh say 25 feet on average.<\/p>\n

S.W.: There has been much controversy over the health implications of such massive steroid use. In your opinion why would a whole league of steroid users be started, given such health concerns?<\/p>\n

\"Rex<\/a>
Rex \u0432\u0402\u045aThe Pusher\u0432\u0402\u045c Fallon, president of the Player Enhanced Sports Union.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

R.F.: Uh, duh. People were complainin\u0432\u0402\u2122 of people usin\u0432\u0402\u2122 \u0432\u0402\u201c like doin\u0432\u0402\u2122 steroids \u0432\u0402\u201c in natural sports, and with so many players usin\u0432\u0402\u2122 anyways so to avoid fines and explosions [expulsions, ed. note] we figgered we\u0432\u0402\u2122d have users compete against other users. Hey, we even got the plan for a steroid world games. Like whoever can enhance themselves to perform the best wins, is the idea.<\/p>\n

S.W.: And what does this Enhanced League offer sports fans?<\/p>\n

R.F.: Oh man, extronary, uh, extra amazing human deeds! I myself have a few records in the league already. As a pass rusher in football I averaged 18 sacks a year. \u0432\u0402?Cuz we\u0432\u0402\u2122re so massive, see, many of us don\u0432\u0402\u2122t need pads, only helmets. And I had the fastest pitch in baseball at 148 miles a hour, \u0432\u0402\u201d well, \u0432\u0402\u2122til they ruled anything over 120 would be counted as a ball.<\/p>\n

S.W. : How does this enhanced action affect the size and layout of the parks? Isn\u0432\u0402\u2122t this something you\u0432\u0402\u2122ve had to address?<\/p>\n

R.F.: Address? Like \u0432\u0402\u201c a dress? Oh, yeah. Well see they moved the plate back nine feet already so fans get to see the extent of human \u0432\u0402\u201c uh \u0432\u0402\u201chuman port \u0432\u0402\u201c uh, possibilities.<\/p>\n

S.W. : Physically, at least, I\u0432\u0402\u2122m sure. Now, there has been talk of athletes in your league attempting very dangerous feats. One in particular that\u0432\u0402\u2122s made news is bear wrestling on a commercial scale. What other sports have been considered?<\/p>\n

R.F.: Well, like, there\u0432\u0402\u2122s bare-handed stump removal. Unassisted home and office demolitions, that\u0432\u0402\u2122s gettin\u0432\u0402\u2122 real popular, like. So\u0432\u0402\u2122s racing against animals and some more family-are sports like uh, rugby and basketball with thirteen inch rims and longer courts. There\u0432\u0402\u2122s no limit, see!<\/p>\n

S.W. : Okay. And lastly what type of performance enhancing drugs do the athletes currently prefer?<\/p>\n

R.F.: The extreme advancements in medicine has made for the strongest steroids. But dude, the side effects can be brutal! Like, most of the smaller men accually used to be women but the added hormone levels is so high they\u0432\u0402\u2122ve grown penises. Like you can\u0432\u0402\u2122t hardly tell any more \u0432\u0402?cuz the dudes that was men to start out with their penises got shrunk.<\/p>\n

S.W.: Isn\u0432\u0402\u2122t enhanced rage also a concern?<\/p>\n

R.F.: That\u0432\u0402\u2122s a big side effect in some players. We had an athlete got so enraged he attacked a elephant at a cricket tournament in Africa. The elephant wasn\u0432\u0402\u2122t hurt but the player was sat on and then sha \u0432\u0402\u201c uh \u0432\u0402\u201c defected, uh, dumped on? \u0432\u0402\u201d by the elephant.<\/p>\n

S.W.: Was that the big transplant controversy?<\/p>\n

R.F.: Yeah. He was unable to save face, like his own \u0432\u0402\u201c face, that is. Even with offer of transplant from Brad Pitt\u0432\u0402\u2122s great-great grandson who was schedooled to die from too much plastic surgery.<\/p>\n

S.W. : We\u0432\u0402\u2122ve been talking to Rex \u0432\u0402\u045athe pusher\u0432\u0402\u045c Fallon, president of the Player Enhanced Sports Union. Rex \u0432\u0402\u201c uh, Pusher \u0432\u0402\u201c thank you for your insights into modern sports evolution. Tomorrow we visit the construction site of the new spaceball park in the Kuiper Belt\u0432\u0402\u00a6.<\/p>\n

Fade.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Editor\u0432\u0402\u2122s Note: The following article is from Steroid Weekly, a newsletter dedicated to the interesting effects and evolution of legal steroid usage in the Enhanced Leagues. Steroid Weekly interviews Rex \u0432\u0402\u045aThe Pusher\u0432\u0402\u045c Fallon, president of the Player Enhanced Sports Union. (Eric’s Note: This is actually a satire, originally published in Next World Stories, written by … Read more<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"generate_page_header":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16315"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=16315"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16315\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=16315"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=16315"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=16315"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}