Related article: Unraveling the Mystery of Self-Esteem
“Men…in my experience are far more forgiving of women’s supposed imperfections than most women are themselves.” Reader asks, “I’ve read that sentiment in many places but never a place whose writers I trust in the way I trust PW writers. So, I’d like to hear more about what that forgiveness actually looks like. Is it that men notice imperfections but aren’t turned off by them? Or is it that men just don’t notice imperfections? Or something else? Are men sick of having this conversation? In virtually every other realm of my life I embrace and celebrate my many strengths, yet sexually I still fear that I am defined by my cellulite.”
Hello…
I posted this as a reply below, but I want to move it up where more people will see it.
The forgiveness I’m talking about involves enjoying companionship and sex. What most people don’t quite get up to recognizing is that sexual contact is based on chemistry, not a checklist. I think many men are exhausted with how judgmental of themselves so many women are, how much work they think they have to do to be presentable outside the house. I am deeply saddened and often horrified by how many admissions and stories of bullimia I have heard come out of the young women who work as models. They are endless, and it’s not just models, either.
Back to chemistry — the thing that counts. Chemistry can be subtle, it can be overt, and it can be so strong that it backfires, but when it’s there, it’s there. It’s based on emotional makeup and interplay, and intellectual, and I believe to some degree aesthetic. There are women I think are absolutely gorgeous, who are exactly “my type,” who I am not interested in as erotic partners (this generally involves their values or self-awareness level). Taken from the other side of the spectrum, we have all had the experience of, “this person is not my type, but damn, they’re hot.” And — notably — we’ve felt just about every possibility in between.
I suggest that you pay attention to who you are attracted to, and experiment with the energy. Many people avoid the people they are attracted to because they decide in advance that they are not going to be attracted back. Sometimes this is true; sometimes it’s not. There is just one way to find out.