If you’re seeing this post, you’re not having this problem — but someone you know may be having it so please pass it around via Facebook or your mailing list if you would. A code error on our end sent a header on 9/26 to cache the page for two weeks, so for some readers it will be 9/26 for a while. Our programmer fixed the problem, but there’s no way to get that header back from browsers that cached the page. The simplest solution is shift+refresh, which should work for all modern browsers. Then the reader will see the newest page. Sorry for the inconvenience!

Dear Friend and Reader:

Federal laws are being proposed today toВ stem the tide of EWS (Emailing While Sleeping), a disturbing, dangerousВ andВ growing type of somnambulism affecting millions of computer-addicted adults across the country. This new form makes sleepers in deep REM stateВ get up out of bed, turn on their computers, log on to their email accounts and send out everything from party invitations to love notes to hate mail.

Sleep experts and legislative analysts from Smeer-Lactosis & Grim (SL&G), a Washington DC-based, K-Street lobbying firm had this to say:

“We’ve heard anecdotal evidenceВ from large numbers of people emailing out invitations to do everything from sorting hell holes out with dinner and drinks, wine and caviar only, toВ a ‘come toВ a naked in front of all your relatives party, Freud and Jung-optional attire’. Needless to say, this has wrecked havoc on the 18-34 year-oldВ demographic population, which sees any variety of reason to hold an all-night party orВ rave as a serious invitation, particularly if its done on Evite. This leads to mass confusion, fear, hysteria and ultimately, screws with your Blackberry calendar function.”

TheВ SL&G advisor continued, “The ramifications of not doing anything could be severe”.

To attack the growing epidemic, SL&GВ is workingВ with members of CongressВ onВ an anti-sleepwalking stimulus bill on its way through committee right now. “We need to attachВ an EWSВ clause to any new highway or virtual superhighway legislationВ in congress from here on out. Everyone is sleeping through life. We hope this will wake them up.”

“After all,” theВ SL&G adviser concluded, “you can never tell whether an email party В invitation isВ legitimate. SPAM filters do not yet have the capability to recognize and filter out an e-mail sent by someoneВ in theВ REM state.”

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Editor’s Note: The following article is a satirical work of fiction, meaning that it’s a joke. I have never actually met Mary Trammell, to the best of my knowledge Planet Waves has no connections to the Christian Science Monitor, and they never said that ‘Spaciness is next to Godliness.” I did. –RA

Dear Friend and Reader,

After reading The Christian Science Monitor’s high-publicity coverage ofВ The Christian Science Monitor’s shift from the age of paper to the age of “the tubes,” as Senator Ted Stevens describes it, I im-ed Mary Trammel immediately (we met at Meow Mix in NYC a few years ago while conducting “research”).

CSM staff interview themselves from space on coming shift from paper to internet-based publishing.

Trammell, editor in chief of The Christian Science Publishing Society and a member of the Christian Science Board of Directors, said that “journalism that seeks to bless humanity, not injure, and that shines light on the world’s challenges in an effort to seek solutions, is at the center of Mary Baker Eddy’s vision for The Monitor.”

“The method of delivery and format are secondary” and need to be adjusted, given Mrs. Eddy’s call to keep the Monitor “abreast of the times. Ha! I said abreast. Get it? Lord, forgive me.”

She added, “we’ve been following what we call ‘The Planet Waves model’ for some time now, studying closely the positive, encouraging spin on their articles. The way they use the blog as a daily news source and Planet Waves Astrology News as a more comprehensive, weekly edition has been a source of inspiration for us.”

Though Planet Waves has some “inappropriate, un-Christian, heathen tendencies” (Trammell cited a recent article by Genevieve Salerno on Satan as an example), she was willing to accept that “we both look at the heavens for guidance. Also, off the record, you guys are awesome! I live forВ my weekly and monthly horoscopes. Did you read the Eriscope for Libra this month? LOL!!!”

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Dear Friend and Reader,

The 3-D video revolution is happening right now — and no, this isn’t a Daily Astrology and Adventure version of Back to the Future.

The interactive 3D virtual sex simulator.

The technology is improving, not just in the movie theaters, but for our televisions as well. Uranus is the planet of technology and invention. Pisces is the planet of adventure. In the remaining couple of years of this transit, we will see the Fantasy Revolution: developments so realistic and imaginative, they seem perfectly real. Real, that is, in the imaginary sense.

“Last year both the NBA All-Star game and a Dallas Mavericks game were broadcast on a closed-circuit feed using equipment from Pace, the company that Cameron helped start and whose equipment he uses to shoot in 3-D,” according to an article from CNN. And if you think the sports fans are excited, wait till you hear from the porn enthusiasts.

Quentin Tarantino, for one, is stoked, even wanting to direct one himself: he’s just waiting for the green light. Here’s what he had to say on the matter:

I could do an erotic film, I wouldn’t mind doing a women-in-prison or a cheerleader movie. But I wouldn’t cast someone like Gwyneth Paltrow. It would have to be a cool, trampy actress who says, ‘OK, let’s get the cameras rolling – here we go!’

Personally, I don’t see why porn enthusiasts should stick to more standard video techniques when we have something like this in our hands. Why not go interactive? We could go to a whole new level of creating virtual intimacy: holograms of gorgeous people that will appear to have sex with you, without all that messy conversation, touching, kissing, smelling, fluid exchange, emotional risk or intimacy.

Exotic dancers could project themselves on stage and give lap dances without being touched by the clientele (actually, that could be a great breakthrough for the safety of sex workers: put the tips into a slot and strip in front of people that can’t follow you into the parking lot afterwards?)

This time of year, the porn industry could make a fortune, using look-alikes of major electoral campaign figures and their partners, acting out our favorite combinations of sex and politics.

I’m getting carried away with myself…