This is in reply to a post right below Aunt Sarah.
Dear Indrani:
I’ve been thinking about your post all day. Well, really, a lot longer. I gave you top billing because so many people experience this situation you describe, or something like it. I think there are a few things going on. I began to notice this in my astrology practice years ago, and among my coolest, kindest male friends. People with, or getting, their act together could not find partners. I have also noticed that the more focused I became, the more successful, the less emotionally messed up, the less access I had; the more challenging it was to find a relationship. At many phases in my 20s and 30s I was a sex magnet. I don’t think it was merely that I was younger. For quite a while as a I grew and began to work stuff out, I seemed to have ever less access. So I’ve been watching this one for a while.
Zoe at the Grandmother Land.
The first question I had for you after reading your post, and I would appreciate if you would respond, is: what would constitute acceptable, good, or great sex for you? Would you please give me some examples of situations that would have you in a position where you would say yes? Can you describe what you want? You don’t need to give all the gushy details, but please describe circumstances that you either desire, or that would pass muster. This can be for the ‘just sex’ part, or some relational situation that would work.
Okay, now for my theory. I think that as we grow and build integrity, we install filters. These prevent certain people from getting through. The old circumstances that might have worked (or not worked so well, but resulted in sex) in the past no longer work.
You’re Hindu so you may think of it as related to karma: the more of your own karma you work off, the less tolerance you may have for those who have not, and whose stuff you don’t want to take on. A lot and I do mean a LOT of karma is potentially transmitted in sex, as everything from the potential for pregnancy to STDs to commitments to weird stuff on the nonphysical. Part of growth will, with any luck, be about filtering this out. Said in one sentence, the less integrity you have, the easier it is to find sex. But most of the stuff that’s going around is not the good stuff; it’s a kind of substitute.
Therefore the people with integrity who appreciate sex and are willing to give sex and not just get it, or withhold it, need to speak up; need to step up and GIVE what they have; what we have. I’ve long wondered about how everyone seems to want to get sex. Who thinks about the sex they want to share? Okay with a steady partner, yes, but what about outside that context?
In theory, as you grow, you would be gaining the ability to spot the right people; but the prior pattern does not usually repair itself overnight. It takes time to develop the new limbic pathways — emotional brain pathways that carry the new relational information. This is established neurology. You are literally teaching your brain to relate differently; to perceive existence differently.
This is doable; learning is basic to growth. However, we have some special cultural problems at the moment. There are not relationship modalities in common use or knowledge that are able to contain the current changes in our psyches, in energy, in our needs. The world is changing fast, and we are clinging to the same old relationship rules. As Adrienne Rich said, “There are methods but we do not use them.” Most people are still on the dating-marriage track, or the swinging single track (mysteriously, designed to lead to marriage) or the involved-but-cheating track.
There are many other options, but they are basically taboo (and the discussion often gets shouted down) — and we who need those options need to open up those ideas. Remember: form follows function.
Further, we may be alive at the most sex-negative time in history. True, the 30s and the 40s were no party, but I don’t think it was this bad; the ignorance and taboo are certainly comparable, the paranoia is just astonishing, and the sense of self seems to be way way way down; and finally there is not so much rebellion or celebration in the air. Plus, a lot of people know they are hurt and have pulled back, particularly under all these sex-negative messages. Many are totally fed up. Part of what we are suffering from is a kind of sexual atrophy, coupled with compassion fatigue. We need to learn to feel again, and to state what we want, and learn how to give, and to find a way to burn off all this guilt that holds us down again and again, sometimes for many decades.
Aly, from the Book of Blue by Eric Francis.
These factors create an environment wherein many people feel or believe they cannot express what they want: often because they don’t feel safe doing so, or they feel paralyzed or inept or intimidated. Most post-adolescent women remain unable to make social or sexual advances, having been beaten into passivity once again.
The Internet (such as social networking) is sucking up huge amounts of energy and many, many, many people have skipped the bother of relationships and basically do porn, long-distance or fantasy. The ‘benefit’ is control.
One last point for tonight. You said, “the Lonely Act is simply that — lonely and no damn fun).” I know you are talking about masturbation. In my view, masturbation is the core of sex. I have a little guide that I use. If you want to know how someone feels about sex, ask them how they feel about masturbation. Everyone will tell you how great sex is; how much they love it; what a prude they are not; but many people give a radically different viewpoint on masturbation. I think that this is the place to start. Make masturbation into selflovemaking. Make it interesting.
There are a number of dynamics playing themselves out in human consciousness in our era, and one of them involves balancing gender within; seeking ‘the other’ within — our psychic inner twin, our shadow, our inner spouse or lover. I suggest that you hang really, really loose and spend as much time as you can in front of a mirror, reconciling with yourself and looking for that sense of presence within. I don’t mean ‘jill off’ in the usual sense, the quick maintenance orgasm; I mean, take a journey. Do the unspeakable. Write about it. Photograph yourself. Learn, in the safety of self-to-self relating, to have no inhibitions. I cannot promise you that will provide more partner sex in your life, but I have a hunch you that you will embark on a new phase in your journey of sexual awakening.
When you seek lovers, I suggest that you find the ones that are affirmative about masturbation; the ones that can hold space for themselves, and not project everything onto the women around them. The same is true for your own inner maleness, which manifests many ways. And of course your femaleness, and the place where the two meet. And it’s vital to open up to the universe, blow off steam, equalize your inner pressure with the cosmic pressure and learn the art of deep, honest, unfettered self-fulfillment. We would be happier people and better lovers if we all did that.
love and lovingly,
Eric Francis
Great writing Eric,
For me at this time in my life what I would need would be a person that would allow honesty providing a safe atmosphere most of the time for this to happen. I say most because I’m still working out what has been inocculated and am bound to misunderstand creating tension, and I’m sure this will be the case for the other as well. Without accepting maddness we can be gentle in giving space to allow the other to work out the issue without shaming or discounting the being of another.
I also would need some insight concerning masculine essence having most experiences growing up with all female household coupled with negitive attitudes coming from the primary caregiver. I have worked through a great deal of my sky cap warehouse baggage but fine tuning is always in order so that I may become an influence towards the unity that we in reality are.
This would allow for some intense spiritual sex which for me is one of the top most that make life worth being.
Hi Eric, ! I totally loved what Indrani had to say about Mothering ~right on~ loving relationships & sex. Hope she gets some of all she wants soon! Blessings, Christine
~Christine Cameron DiLillo~
“Empowered maternal concern is an untapped feminine force that the world needs to transform aggression.” -Jean Shinoda Bolen
http://namasteyogi.blogspot.com/
Eric, I love this post and reply. I totally concur in respect of myself and some of the nicest guys with terrific honesty and integrity I know. No partners. Yes friends, and plenty but no partners. I have just put it down to being ‘too real’ and if one is honestly looking at proejctions and working with their own shadow energies and growing more whole, this seems to repel the deepest levels of attraction. I have felt that my field of friends keeps growing but that intimacy is hard to find. I have attracted a lot of powerful women in the last 10 years but they “bolt” when things go beyond the ‘light fluffy’ stuff and enter deep territory. I feel that if you want to stand humble and powerful in some ways you are going into the archetype of the King. And therfore what you will attract are the “Queens” so to speak. I have even attracted the Queen of the Balinese Ladyboys as a friend. The irony is hilarious. I have had girlfreinds who even say they are ‘Queens’ yet flee when things get serious. Often back to some meathead they can control.
I believe there are many “spiritual journey pretneders” out there. Happy to speak and act the lovely, light and fluffy but the moment you start talking about the “shadow” and “projection” the reaction is fear. Weird, when all I am on about is accepting that shadow with love. As you also say, the best lover companions are the ones who are open about masturbation with no hang up there. Love your work, you rock! Brad
Hmmm…Good question, Eric. I wish that I could say in hindsight, I would have kept many of my past lovers as examples of people that I would like to be like or be with once again. The truth is that I am having trouble coming up with more than one!
This might have something to do with the fact that I have recently “caught” one of my personal patterns, which is giving so freely, and with such complete trust, that I get hurt. In retrospect, many of my lovers have actually disrespected me (the greater problem being that I allowed this, or was unaware). At the end of my last relationship, I began to suspect that I was being used physically. I am a very sexually driven person (ie. need sex on the regular, am open-minded and generous) and my ex had always made a point of saying how amazing the sex was. But for whom, right? Mechanical thrusting is simply not the equivalent of good lovin’. Nor is sidestepping the spiritual aspects of sex (even after I had made it clear that I wanted/needed to explore that territory). Yet I kept giving by offering my body and sexuality to the cause: a relationship that was deeply flawed, one I was convinced that I wanted.
What I worry about is this: how do we know how much energy was exchanged or lost? And how can we reclaim that energy, and heal? During that last relationship and following the breakup, many of those close to me stated how “drained” I was, how depleted I looked, how I seemed to have lost my vital energy. And they weren’t talking about garden variety fatigue. This was soul level. I actually felt like somebody had been feeding off me, and sexual energy is arguably the most potent and creative that we have. Towards the end of my experience, I learned that my partner was very narcissistic, and suddenly, I was able to begin reconciling what had actually occurred.
Its unfortunate that we share our bodies and sexuality with certain people who are not worthy of being on the receiving end, but like you said, those filters do (and must) get installed at some point. Maybe its a simply a matter of trial and error, and time.
Or maybe this is all just fear, and I have so much love (and sex) to share that nobody can ever take this away from me.
*lightbulb*
A relevant NYT blog on what’s exchanged between the tiniest of creatures:
http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/02/09/unorthodox/?hp
Lola,
There are different theories; different belief systems; different observations. You could start as simply as implied commitments and the ability to hurt one another. We often put a lot of weight onto one sexual exchange. You could take this a step further and propose that because one sexual encounter can result in a lifelong association, a child, there must be something going on behind the scenes.
Others have a theory of how cords are formed in sexual encounters. The root chakras plunge together in a deeply open space, or forced space, and the partners exchange energy; some say that threads are created that take years to dissolve. I cannot evaluate this one way or the other, but one of the reasons I [usually] choose to masturbate with a new partner first is to test what might come up; to see what ripple emerges from the exchange, for good or for ill. The karmic implications and energetic overlay seem to be significantly lighter than with penetrative sex. With penetrative sex the projection and attachment factors can be stunning, and this in my view is a form of karma: the result of an action.
My own sense is that sex is a karma magnifier [in the sense of what the partners bring to the equation, that they already have]. It brings out what is already there, amplifies it, makes it manifest, visible and expresses it in the world. This can result in brilliant creative/loving/spiritual partnership and/or great fun. Often power struggles come out of sex: we’re barely aware of this process, but we see its results all the time. Even sexual desire can wreak havoc. These seemingly automatic, reflex-driven power dramas involve jealousy and the reactions of third parties; they involve judgment and control games played by the community around the people; and a diversity of other possible implications.
Speaking on the strictly nonphysical/energetic level, any gesture that can transmit incredible surrender and human existence; or that can transmit a deadly illness; or that can do all of the above at the same time; would seem to have some exchange of material. Marianne Williamson (quoted by Melanie Reinhart) once said that you become like the people you have sex with. I think most of us have noticed this — though not necessarily by name.
So imagine choosing as a criteria for a sexual partner someone you want to be like, once you know them. Scan through your history; who would you choose again, on that basis? Who of the people you know would be left?
love right back, Lola……efc
Eric,
Amazing piece. Thank you so much. I have but one question….
“A lot and I do mean a LOT of karma is potentially transmitted in sex, as everything from the potential for pregnancy to STDs to commitments to weird stuff on the nonphysical.”
I am curious about the “nonphysical”, or karmic, exchange between parties during sex. Could you enlighten me a little more on the issue? I find this very interesting, and it might explain a lot to me regarding my last relationship and the role that sex took during that time. I think that knowing about this exchange is just as crucial as our knowledge of the physical exchanges.
Much love.
Lola
Pam, this kind of story is nice, but it is mythology. I am not saying that such scenarios don’t play out — obviously they do — but placing an expectation or goal on something that “romantic” will lead most people in the direction of pain, not freedom. There is no such thing as “the one” relationship, unless we speak of the relationship to Self or Existence. Even when we are with “the one” we have many relationships, with many purposes. The orientation and indeed requirement that we will find “the one” is what keeps us closed to new experiences of human contact, be they sexual or not.
Many people have an availability issue. Both men and women are trained to play hard to get, instead of down to Earth, and accessible. This is a power trip: make no mistake. We could go a long way by being more open to approach, to seeing what people have to offer and what we have to offer them. We have some harsh politics in our relational patterns: women trained not to talk to guys, and to feign lack of interest. We punish one another for showing interest. Women can be particularly harsh with the fuck-off when they don’t fancy a man. Many guys who think that the only way to get the interest of a woman is to taunt her, to pay a game of show up and then disappear; this seems to work pretty well.
One friend said to me, if you want to get sex from a woman, make friends with her and pretend you have absolutely no interest in her sexually. After a while she will wonder what’s wrong with her and come on to you. Accurate — but cynical.
This kind of approach-avoid conduct reeks of guilt. And what we get, more often than not, are guilt affairs and not love affairs. If we want love affairs, we need to be loving, offer love, and welcome love. We need to stop the games and insist on straightforward communication: like saying thank you when someone pays a compliment; like asking people to not communicate when that is what we want; and like speaking to them in clear terms when we are interested.
It will not take much to shift the whole environment, or to create a subculture of authenticity. It starts with you.
Bravo on this discussion!!!
How appropriate! Idrani, thank you, it is as if you read my mind and spilled out words that have been on my heart for some time. Coming from a somewhat active sexual past and growing wildly from each experience…each experience quite frankly leaving me yearning for a more spiritual connection. What does one do? Recently I have joined various spiritual groups not primarily for finding a connection, however if i want someone more like me, I guess it is a good place to start. Eric, I agree with you on loving yourself more!!! I have decided to follow your advice, due to the dynamics of my household (kids, grandkids, friends, neighbors and no flippin lock on my bedroom door) it seems to get complete privacy is impossible, soooo I’m planning a night away, after visiting our town sex shop ( on the far outskirts of town because of the outrage it ignited ) plus my collection needs a sad updating), I will head to another place on the outskirts of town, a quaint little Inn. I am not quite sure how I’ll get a mirror in there, but I’m the creative type. Looking in the mirror is difficult, however appropriate and necessary. Here’s to fantastic orgasms!!!
There is a book of short stories written by psychologists (sorry the title eludes me) and one of them was about a beautiful and accomplished woman who couldn’t find a date, because immediately or very soon after meeting someone or going out with them she knew he wasn’t ‘the one’ and stopped.
Finally she went for counselling to try to sort herself out, and the psychologist tried to encourage her to find other standards, tried to help her to change her too narrow thinking, he talked about media and advertising and modern times. She tried very hard, and finally came to her appointment one afternoon with a dream she had had about a green snake and a picnic with friends and some story of how the picnic basket tipped over and everything spilled out. he analysed this dream with her, and she left for another week.
The next week she arrived and something had obviously changed (you need to know the therapist was half in love with her himself), she was so happy so glad so excited, and she told him she had gone out to dinner with friends and in the middle of the meal needed to visit the bathroom. Somehow in getting up from the table her bag fell on the floor and everything fell out, as she was picking the things up she realised someone was helping her and turned round to look into the greenest eyes she had ever seen. She’d been sitting with her back to this guy who was eating at another table. She told the therapist they had agreed to meet and from the moment she saw him she knew he was the one. The therapist tried to tell her that she couldn’t possibly know like that, but he knew and she knew that she wasn’t coming back.
It’s still ok to be one on one and hetero if that is who you truly are isn’t it – tho obviously the forum here is wider