Abandoned bridge near Muchmore Road, outside Bethlehem, New Hampshire, on the evening of May 5, 2010. The American Bridge Company is a civil engineering firm that has designed many notable projects in the US and abroad, including the Willis (Sears) Tower, the Empire State Building and the Verrazano-Narrows Bridge. This particular bridge now sits in the middle of a lawn, still spanning a creek. It was replaced by a concrete structure along Route 302 (which runs from Maine through New Hampshire into Vermont). Photo by Eric Francis.
I am realizing something as I sit here observing the global apocalypse from a quiet place, which is that this narrative is a statement of my past and not my present. My present is another story, of freedom and affection and easy intuition with women
Great points, Cheryl.
Part of that “unconsciousness” you mention is the lack of awareness of how others are responding. One thing I’ve learned from five years of photographing women is how low of an opinion many tend to have of themselves, particularly their self-perception of beauty, sexy, etc. — and i do mean some of the most beautiful women (to my senses, anyway). Meanwhile, many men around them are intimidated, women can be jealous, etc. (Speaking to men: this is why you should NEVER be intimidated by a woman’s beauty — if you’re attracted to someone, walk up to her and say hello.)
Yet there are some who, while not what I would call indulging full awareness, are connected to their power. They see men respond. They know they can work it. And part of the social incultration is the game; the tease; then books/articles in the genre of The Rules come out and explain how to maximize that power. So consciousness gets directed in certain specific directions or focal points.
Part of the issue is denial. I watch attractive women walk by and I see the personality armor and body armor as clearly as I can see bricks and mortar. It’s the look of wishing they were invisible, which is a form of consciousness.
I think that when it comes to the responses of others, we could all use more awareness. Until very recently I never considered myself attractive. I was rarely told I was attractive and rarely treated that way. Was this my own struggle with self esteem and rejection? Perhaps. And I have started that people perceive me as being extremely sexually open, with a glance – and are intimidated.
Maybe there was also the dimension of women are trained to keep mum about how they feel or what they want, particularly in the causal social interactions that are the lead-in to friendship. And this lack of stating desire out loud is a fast track to chaos.
=
one girl laughs at skinny guys
someone else points out a queer
they’re all jocks — both guys and girls
press the button — take your cue
and see the girl with perfect teeth
she picks up lonely guys in bars
then she takes off when they’ve bought her drinks
don’t you have money? I ask
of course I do…
this is not a locker room
and that’s a surfboard — not a yacht
the arrangement’s not — quite — quite there
but the day was faultless in beauty
pitched on tropical scenery
stretched from white sand
up to the open sky
down to the shining sea again
and then back to me
and Mimi on the beach
Mimi on the beach
Mimi and me…
At the risk of being overly simplistic, I would suggest that many of the sexual misunderstandings stem from a lack of consciousnes, and sexual energy is just biological parts moving to an envitable conclusion when consciousness is lacking. The problem is that most people of the world are largely unconscious. If one is not connected to consciousness at the core of being, all acts are a manifistaion of this disconnection and therefore the sexual disconnect we see manifest in the main stream. Many women dress sexy because it is the fashion, with no real conscious awareness. It’s just wearing what everyone else is wearing. Clothing is a funny thing. No one bats an eye at a woman wearing a biniki, but in reality a bikini is the same componets as a bra and panties. I could answer the door in a bikini and that would be appropriate. But if I answered the door in a bra and panties it would have another meaning. Clothing is also sometimes just costumes for roles we play; dressing sometimes to counter a mood, sometimes to create a mood, sometimes to express a mood. Surely, dressing sexy is in the eye of the beholder as much as the expression of the wearer. So I may be wearing something to consciously express myself such as a joy in the beauty of my body, rather than as a come on, or a tease. No matter what my intent, it is always subject to how it is being perceived by someone else.
Eric,
With ya. The “male-gender friend” is a peek behind one door.
Another “door” I’ve peeked behind is the female-gender friend who has had raging fit/s at boyfriend because she’s found him in the other room watching porn when she’s lying in bed “available” to him. I personally find so many things wrong with that quick picture it’s hard to begin – but my personal beginning was not to empathize with the poor me attitude – I asked her why she didn’t join him in watching the porn and see what they could develop together? ha! That didn’t go over too well.
Other first-hand example are such as the girl (immatured woman) who uses internet-land to get guys hot then quits when the wife steps in (always in anger) and stops the virtual encounters. I suspect she would – or does or did – get her jollies getting guys hot and walking away in the “real” world too – but on that level I think the internet is real enough. And it’s quicker and easier with lots more reach than one or two bars. And no risk of DUIs or STDs either! Although she’s met up with some of them here and there – I personally think THAT part is healthy, (sans any intentional interferring with other relationships – I mean the part about hey, we met online, now lets actually get together. That’s cool.)
I agree, plenty of sex is not about relationship or about relating. People use each other in this way as much as any other.
I personally feel I’ve given myself the short end of the stick (is there a pun in there?) in life because I choose NOT to use other people as a way to get a meal and tease – if a “date” isn’t clearly just a friendly thing or if I already know I’m not interested in sex but the other person is – I say “no thanks”. The whole “dating game” just feels way too much like, well, what we’re supposed to think porn is – people taking advantage of each other or buying each other. Comments on this?
And yep – the bad side of “porn” sure makes it hard to even work at developing a “good” side of what I prefer to call erotica as it separates the idea…..but hey! what’s life without a few challenges?
This discussion raises lots of themes, and supports my idea that we will learn a lot about sex from considering masturbation.
I have a few thoughts. One is that we have an idea, usually unquestioned, which could be filed under ‘hetero normative’, that ‘real sex’ is partner sex and that masturbation is a substitute. I think we would understand sex much better if we start with cultivating deeper and more conscious masturbation by everyone…and would lead to greater sexual awareness and better sexual relating between the sexes, or between people.
We still pack considerable guilt and shame around masturbation and it is also a kind of toxic dump for the guilt and shame that we experience in other forms of sex. In other words, for many it’s the token form of shameful sex, and we might put it down for that reason. For many it doesn’t have quite the zing of partner sex, though I’ve heard lots of times from those whose hottest orgasms come from masturbation. Nothing personal, it’s sometimes easier to feel oneself when the being of another person is not wrapped around us.
Next, I would contend that much of what we think of as ‘real sex’ is not as relational as we think; much of it is alienated and so lacking in truth that intimacy is not an appropriate word to describe it. Plenty of it is on the level of porn, only using a live body. Also this supposedly gives it the blessing of nature and psychology. But is alienated sex really better than pornography? I’m not saying that it’s not; I am asking why or why not.
How many women basically dress up sexy with no intention of having sex with men, knowing full well men will respond by going home and masturbating?
Next, I don’t blame the men referenced in this conversation for feeling so alienated that they give up on trying to relate to women as sex partners. Women who are reading: do you make yourself sexually accessible and available to men without demanding a relationship commitment, or some form of exchange for gifts? Do you educate men in how to relate to you? Where do you expect men to get the information they need about how to do that?
Next, why is male masturbation the issue? Lots of women use porn (a surprising number of women who read Planet Waves, according to our survey data) and lots of women masturbate and are even obsessed with masturbation, rivaling the mythology usually projected onto men. We live in a time when male masturbation is often still viewed as pervy, creepy or icky and female masturbation is generally considered erotic and progressive.
If we can open up some of these themes I think we’ll be closer to understanding the porn issue.
aword —
i agree with your assessment that both sides of that coin are tweaked — they’re both extremes. i’ve read in other sources (male authors who are pro-sex & pro-porn) that the availablity of internet porn, while not inherently bad, is another factor furthering the alienation effect of many men. it also is helping to feed the idea in young men (as in, college age), that they should play with viagra so they can fuck like a porn star and not disappoint their girlfriends.
i think where society is failing with porn is not that we allow it, but that it’s not contextualized with other forms of sexual discussion/image in mainstream media and education (i.e., highlighting diversity of bodies, abilities, preferences, moods, etc as all falling well within “expectation”/”normalcy”. it seems both the difficulty and the beauty with porn is that it’s not “real.”
and i have to admit, any conversation of porn or prostitution nudges me to ask about the whole abuse/trafficking issue. i don’t think banning porn is the answer. but i do think we need to be a lot more aware and active about the trafficking of minors into sexual slavery. a friend of mine who has actively researched the issue assures me it happens more than we like to think about.
maybe that’s not quite the direction this discussion was headed, but i put it out there because i always feel at a loss on how to reconcile a sex-positive stance with some of the most negative aspects of the sex industry.
— amanda
aword – EXCELLENT point about balance between relationship with onself and relationship with others. Thank you!
I have a male-gender friend with whom I have had many meaningful conversations regarding sex/porn/pornography/men and masturbation/ men and dating etc.
He experiences life as inherently sexual as do I, making the subject of sex as a topic generally unnecessary, but when it is a topic, always comfortable and truthful conversation.
One might be surprised to discover this is someone who will NOT masturbate, neither as a solo-act or in the company of others (although he has no inhibitions about having sex with others in front of others or being cheer-leader for others or what have you.)
So to point made in this blogthread — his experience of male friends who masturbate to porn “all the time” is that they lose their ability to relate to women in the flesh, thus generally confirming their idea that they are “failures with women” and/or “can’t get a date” or “all women are bitches” etc.
This experience of other men unwittingly(?) using porn to isolate themselves from something they already feared….or to confirm their fear and by way of this finding some twisted sense of righteousness or whatever….has had a reverse effect on my friend – who makes a point of always having a women’s touch lest he get ‘out of touch’ with the idea that the act of sex is an act of relating.
Personally I find both sides of that coin tweeked a bit out of balance – but thought I’d add to the post.
Lesley,
I covered this last year in an article called “Pornography as the Mirror of Denial.” I do want to be clear that I am not against pornography; my main concern is that it’s not done well, and that it’s not used with consciousness. I also think that depending on how it’s used, it can have an alienating effect.
It’s also vital to remember that there is no definition of pornography. Some people would say that Michelangelo’s David is porno. Some would say that Hustler is but Playboy isn’t. It’s a subjective view, and I think it’s based on the state of mind of the viewer, as much as the state of mind of the image maker.
This article at least provides some starting points for the discussion. There are two other related articles linked as well. I can comment more if this discussion progresses. Feel free to add any specific questions. I will check in from time to time, I’m busy writing tomorrow’s edition of Planet Waves (a little later than planned, in Burlington, Vermont.)
ef
Here is a sample:
Much like fantasy, porno is one of the places we seek the mental refuge of eroticism without complication. This is one solid reason why it’s a form of the prostitution which gave rise to it — the woman depicted in pornography becomes a figment of your imagination; she does what you want, when you want; she doesn’t give you any lip, set conditions or get her period. She doesn’t get pregnant and she doesn’t want to get married; at least not to you.
There is just one problem — she’s not really there. She cannot feel you and you cannot really feel her. You cannot really have her, but you can pretend. And deep in the honesty of orgasm, when someone lets go to the thought or image of her, is the feeling of surrendering to not having her and to not being felt by her. Pornography on this level is the erotic celebration of need, desire and rejection.
Eric, a question out of left field that has been sitting in the recesses of my brain for the last week. I read an interview with Naomi Wolf last week and some comments she had on pornography (in general terms, that young women’s sexual experiences are being negatively coloured by pornography – their partners principally, but their own presumably too – and I doubt it is limited to young women). I think I read your interview with Madame Arcati just a few days earlier, and it made me wonder what your thoughts are on pornography and the role it typically has, and might ideally have, on self-sex.
Thank you, Eric. There is something about the photo that is evocative of the current ambient vibe. Thank you also for the information on the American Bridge Company. Here in the Seattle area (as you well know) we have not only the famous floating bridges but a series of drawbridges. The drawbridges we all built by a single firm, the White Bridge Company (i think that’s correct) named after its founder who came back home after World War One and put his Army Corps of Engineer knowledge together with the availability of foundries (already there,supporting the shipyards and Boeing).
I am realizing something as I sit here observing the global apocalypse from a quiet place, which is that this narrative is a statement of my past and not my present. My present is another story, of freedom and affection and easy intuition with women
Great points, Cheryl.
Part of that “unconsciousness” you mention is the lack of awareness of how others are responding. One thing I’ve learned from five years of photographing women is how low of an opinion many tend to have of themselves, particularly their self-perception of beauty, sexy, etc. — and i do mean some of the most beautiful women (to my senses, anyway). Meanwhile, many men around them are intimidated, women can be jealous, etc. (Speaking to men: this is why you should NEVER be intimidated by a woman’s beauty — if you’re attracted to someone, walk up to her and say hello.)
Yet there are some who, while not what I would call indulging full awareness, are connected to their power. They see men respond. They know they can work it. And part of the social incultration is the game; the tease; then books/articles in the genre of The Rules come out and explain how to maximize that power. So consciousness gets directed in certain specific directions or focal points.
Part of the issue is denial. I watch attractive women walk by and I see the personality armor and body armor as clearly as I can see bricks and mortar. It’s the look of wishing they were invisible, which is a form of consciousness.
I think that when it comes to the responses of others, we could all use more awareness. Until very recently I never considered myself attractive. I was rarely told I was attractive and rarely treated that way. Was this my own struggle with self esteem and rejection? Perhaps. And I have started that people perceive me as being extremely sexually open, with a glance – and are intimidated.
Maybe there was also the dimension of women are trained to keep mum about how they feel or what they want, particularly in the causal social interactions that are the lead-in to friendship. And this lack of stating desire out loud is a fast track to chaos.
=
one girl laughs at skinny guys
someone else points out a queer
they’re all jocks — both guys and girls
press the button — take your cue
and see the girl with perfect teeth
she picks up lonely guys in bars
then she takes off when they’ve bought her drinks
don’t you have money? I ask
of course I do…
this is not a locker room
and that’s a surfboard — not a yacht
the arrangement’s not — quite — quite there
but the day was faultless in beauty
pitched on tropical scenery
stretched from white sand
up to the open sky
down to the shining sea again
and then back to me
and Mimi on the beach
Mimi on the beach
Mimi and me…
— Jane Siberry
Mimi on the Beach
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x7MB9Mvzycg
At the risk of being overly simplistic, I would suggest that many of the sexual misunderstandings stem from a lack of consciousnes, and sexual energy is just biological parts moving to an envitable conclusion when consciousness is lacking. The problem is that most people of the world are largely unconscious. If one is not connected to consciousness at the core of being, all acts are a manifistaion of this disconnection and therefore the sexual disconnect we see manifest in the main stream. Many women dress sexy because it is the fashion, with no real conscious awareness. It’s just wearing what everyone else is wearing. Clothing is a funny thing. No one bats an eye at a woman wearing a biniki, but in reality a bikini is the same componets as a bra and panties. I could answer the door in a bikini and that would be appropriate. But if I answered the door in a bra and panties it would have another meaning. Clothing is also sometimes just costumes for roles we play; dressing sometimes to counter a mood, sometimes to create a mood, sometimes to express a mood. Surely, dressing sexy is in the eye of the beholder as much as the expression of the wearer. So I may be wearing something to consciously express myself such as a joy in the beauty of my body, rather than as a come on, or a tease. No matter what my intent, it is always subject to how it is being perceived by someone else.
Eric,
With ya. The “male-gender friend” is a peek behind one door.
Another “door” I’ve peeked behind is the female-gender friend who has had raging fit/s at boyfriend because she’s found him in the other room watching porn when she’s lying in bed “available” to him. I personally find so many things wrong with that quick picture it’s hard to begin – but my personal beginning was not to empathize with the poor me attitude – I asked her why she didn’t join him in watching the porn and see what they could develop together? ha! That didn’t go over too well.
Other first-hand example are such as the girl (immatured woman) who uses internet-land to get guys hot then quits when the wife steps in (always in anger) and stops the virtual encounters. I suspect she would – or does or did – get her jollies getting guys hot and walking away in the “real” world too – but on that level I think the internet is real enough. And it’s quicker and easier with lots more reach than one or two bars. And no risk of DUIs or STDs either! Although she’s met up with some of them here and there – I personally think THAT part is healthy, (sans any intentional interferring with other relationships – I mean the part about hey, we met online, now lets actually get together. That’s cool.)
I agree, plenty of sex is not about relationship or about relating. People use each other in this way as much as any other.
I personally feel I’ve given myself the short end of the stick (is there a pun in there?) in life because I choose NOT to use other people as a way to get a meal and tease – if a “date” isn’t clearly just a friendly thing or if I already know I’m not interested in sex but the other person is – I say “no thanks”. The whole “dating game” just feels way too much like, well, what we’re supposed to think porn is – people taking advantage of each other or buying each other. Comments on this?
And yep – the bad side of “porn” sure makes it hard to even work at developing a “good” side of what I prefer to call erotica as it separates the idea…..but hey! what’s life without a few challenges?
This discussion raises lots of themes, and supports my idea that we will learn a lot about sex from considering masturbation.
I have a few thoughts. One is that we have an idea, usually unquestioned, which could be filed under ‘hetero normative’, that ‘real sex’ is partner sex and that masturbation is a substitute. I think we would understand sex much better if we start with cultivating deeper and more conscious masturbation by everyone…and would lead to greater sexual awareness and better sexual relating between the sexes, or between people.
We still pack considerable guilt and shame around masturbation and it is also a kind of toxic dump for the guilt and shame that we experience in other forms of sex. In other words, for many it’s the token form of shameful sex, and we might put it down for that reason. For many it doesn’t have quite the zing of partner sex, though I’ve heard lots of times from those whose hottest orgasms come from masturbation. Nothing personal, it’s sometimes easier to feel oneself when the being of another person is not wrapped around us.
Next, I would contend that much of what we think of as ‘real sex’ is not as relational as we think; much of it is alienated and so lacking in truth that intimacy is not an appropriate word to describe it. Plenty of it is on the level of porn, only using a live body. Also this supposedly gives it the blessing of nature and psychology. But is alienated sex really better than pornography? I’m not saying that it’s not; I am asking why or why not.
How many women basically dress up sexy with no intention of having sex with men, knowing full well men will respond by going home and masturbating?
Next, I don’t blame the men referenced in this conversation for feeling so alienated that they give up on trying to relate to women as sex partners. Women who are reading: do you make yourself sexually accessible and available to men without demanding a relationship commitment, or some form of exchange for gifts? Do you educate men in how to relate to you? Where do you expect men to get the information they need about how to do that?
Next, why is male masturbation the issue? Lots of women use porn (a surprising number of women who read Planet Waves, according to our survey data) and lots of women masturbate and are even obsessed with masturbation, rivaling the mythology usually projected onto men. We live in a time when male masturbation is often still viewed as pervy, creepy or icky and female masturbation is generally considered erotic and progressive.
If we can open up some of these themes I think we’ll be closer to understanding the porn issue.
aword —
i agree with your assessment that both sides of that coin are tweaked — they’re both extremes. i’ve read in other sources (male authors who are pro-sex & pro-porn) that the availablity of internet porn, while not inherently bad, is another factor furthering the alienation effect of many men. it also is helping to feed the idea in young men (as in, college age), that they should play with viagra so they can fuck like a porn star and not disappoint their girlfriends.
i think where society is failing with porn is not that we allow it, but that it’s not contextualized with other forms of sexual discussion/image in mainstream media and education (i.e., highlighting diversity of bodies, abilities, preferences, moods, etc as all falling well within “expectation”/”normalcy”. it seems both the difficulty and the beauty with porn is that it’s not “real.”
and i have to admit, any conversation of porn or prostitution nudges me to ask about the whole abuse/trafficking issue. i don’t think banning porn is the answer. but i do think we need to be a lot more aware and active about the trafficking of minors into sexual slavery. a friend of mine who has actively researched the issue assures me it happens more than we like to think about.
maybe that’s not quite the direction this discussion was headed, but i put it out there because i always feel at a loss on how to reconcile a sex-positive stance with some of the most negative aspects of the sex industry.
— amanda
aword – EXCELLENT point about balance between relationship with onself and relationship with others. Thank you!
I have a male-gender friend with whom I have had many meaningful conversations regarding sex/porn/pornography/men and masturbation/ men and dating etc.
He experiences life as inherently sexual as do I, making the subject of sex as a topic generally unnecessary, but when it is a topic, always comfortable and truthful conversation.
One might be surprised to discover this is someone who will NOT masturbate, neither as a solo-act or in the company of others (although he has no inhibitions about having sex with others in front of others or being cheer-leader for others or what have you.)
So to point made in this blogthread — his experience of male friends who masturbate to porn “all the time” is that they lose their ability to relate to women in the flesh, thus generally confirming their idea that they are “failures with women” and/or “can’t get a date” or “all women are bitches” etc.
This experience of other men unwittingly(?) using porn to isolate themselves from something they already feared….or to confirm their fear and by way of this finding some twisted sense of righteousness or whatever….has had a reverse effect on my friend – who makes a point of always having a women’s touch lest he get ‘out of touch’ with the idea that the act of sex is an act of relating.
Personally I find both sides of that coin tweeked a bit out of balance – but thought I’d add to the post.
Lesley,
I covered this last year in an article called “Pornography as the Mirror of Denial.” I do want to be clear that I am not against pornography; my main concern is that it’s not done well, and that it’s not used with consciousness. I also think that depending on how it’s used, it can have an alienating effect.
It’s also vital to remember that there is no definition of pornography. Some people would say that Michelangelo’s David is porno. Some would say that Hustler is but Playboy isn’t. It’s a subjective view, and I think it’s based on the state of mind of the viewer, as much as the state of mind of the image maker.
This article at least provides some starting points for the discussion. There are two other related articles linked as well. I can comment more if this discussion progresses. Feel free to add any specific questions. I will check in from time to time, I’m busy writing tomorrow’s edition of Planet Waves (a little later than planned, in Burlington, Vermont.)
ef
Here is a sample:
Eric, a question out of left field that has been sitting in the recesses of my brain for the last week. I read an interview with Naomi Wolf last week and some comments she had on pornography (in general terms, that young women’s sexual experiences are being negatively coloured by pornography – their partners principally, but their own presumably too – and I doubt it is limited to young women). I think I read your interview with Madame Arcati just a few days earlier, and it made me wonder what your thoughts are on pornography and the role it typically has, and might ideally have, on self-sex.
Thank you, Eric. There is something about the photo that is evocative of the current ambient vibe. Thank you also for the information on the American Bridge Company. Here in the Seattle area (as you well know) we have not only the famous floating bridges but a series of drawbridges. The drawbridges we all built by a single firm, the White Bridge Company (i think that’s correct) named after its founder who came back home after World War One and put his Army Corps of Engineer knowledge together with the availability of foundries (already there,supporting the shipyards and Boeing).