Whatever Happened to…

Dear Friend and Reader,

2008 WAS a year full ofВ “interesting,” as the Chinese say. We’ve watched an under-known US Senator with a terrorist’s nameВ become the nation’s 44th President. We’ve watched our economy and the markets around the world go fromВ pothole to giant sinkhole. We were awed byВ the opening of the Summer Olympics in Beijing, usheringВ in what will be the new world era of ChinaВ in dominance. And after months of silence, we’ve finally heard from Dick Cheney after his party’s loss in this year’s general election. He made a brief appearance from his warren below ground,В calmly reassuring usВ that we as a proud nation still need to be terrified.

Aside from these high-profile players, countries and eventsВ entering into and out of our consciousness, where the heck did everyone else go?В In Planet Waves’ inimitable fashion,В here’s our own version of “Page Six”В to slake the thirst ofВ dry-mouthed newsaholics,В filling in the blanks for sufferers of Attention Deficit Disorder, and generally providing you more news than what you get out of CNBC–and that’s not a high bar to jump. Here we go:

Sarah Palin and Bristol Palin: It could be thatВ Governor Sarah Palin’s hope may be realized that one day, sheВ could retire from her gene pool expansion activities and let her daughter carry on the tradition of overpopulating Alaska with more Palins. Through a series of rituals performed by African priests and portents dug from the entrails of birds, it has been confirmed that Sarah Palin’s first grandchildВ will be a boy. The boy’s mother, Bristol Palin is scheduled to deliver on the 20th of December. Bristol and herВ betrothed Levi Johnston, father of the child,В are consideringВ these possibilities for baby names: Puck, Mandate, Shotgun,В Unsustainable andВ Extremist. In other news, it was reported today that the new baby’sВ paternal grandmother-to-be was arrested for possession of drugs by Alaska State Troopers. Another day in the lifeВ of the great state of Alaska.В 

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