“We are equal beings and the universe is our relationships with each other.”
–Thaddeus Golas, The Lazy Man’s Guide to Enlightenment
“The obstacle was not in Jacqueline, it lay deep within O herself, its roots deeper than anything she had ever before encountered. It was because RenГ© was leaving her free, and she loathed her freedom. Her freedom was worse than any chains.”
–Pauline RГ©age, Story of O
For an entire generation or more, right-wing political movements have hit us on the head with “the return to family values” as a top-shelf intoxicant in their political agenda. Visionaries of regressive social movements see the decline of society reflected in the supposed breakdown of the nuclear family, and view the repair of society as starting with what they feel is its most basic cellular element, a fantasy consisting of Mom, Dad and the Kidz contained in a neat package, a centrally-air conditioned, mortgaged suburban home.
Yet equally political is the personal choice to exist in different kinds of family, or what some people call “love-style,” which includes the choice to have more than one lover or life-partner as a natural state of being. It is called “polyamory” or “panfidelity,” and the basic idea is in having committed, long-term relationships with more than one person. This is different than the polygamy of the Mormons or the Jews of the Old Testament because such families generally consisted of one man and a harem of wives. In many polygamous situations across the cultures, a man can have as many wives as he can afford to support.
Polyamorous situations, on the contrary, usually are extended families or networks of men and women who are striving for a more honest, egalitarian way of life. Polyamory distinguishes itself from “swinging,” which is a lifestyle generally involving weekend sex-play among married couples. Though couples involved in swinging often have long-term friendships, the essential nature of the marriages is usually quite traditional, with the couples frequently practicing what they term “emotional monogamy.” That is, it’s OK to have sex with other people, but it’s not OK to be emotionally bonded or in love with them.
m dear, all true geographically speaking; laugh as you will, i’ve nothing to hide; you should have seen me crawl on the stairs in the guest house… nothing more humbling than that except maybe praying making it down to Arequipa on the wild bus ride through the night or nearly falling into shit hole in himalayas in early 90’s; so, don’t think i did make it back in same skin… puked alot of shit and shit a lot of shit over 72 hours, and then there were the bed bugs afterwards…
damn, i just thought of entire trip as foreshadow… oh, great…
damn still can’t sleep… i am f-k’d… and not the O kind from freedom of choice…
KristenB… “over by the isle of the sun and isle of moon on bolivian shores of titicaca… weird trip – amazing magic 4 sure…”
I am a bad bad yogini, bad yogini… this just made me laugh my glasses off. Altitude sickness (guffah!) nearly died between the sun and moon (buauhhhhaaaaaahhaa~snort!!) lake titicaca (cackle! she said ‘titty’…)
Bad.
But I’m glad you made it back in the same skin. (sorta)
ox0X
m
E… there is an awakened being called ‘Kurukulla’ – she looks kind of like an Indian Cupid, has a bow made of vines, arrows tipped with flowers, red in color. Very sweet. Really. A cupcake. And she is the Kick Ass Guardian of *all* of the tantric teachings. She your go-to when there’s a problem that the Biggest and Baddest can’t resolve.
She came in for a landing last night.
Forget the roses and snow, think red diamonds. And yeah, she’d love to be called Precious.
As the godfather, you get special, *special* kisses. Brace yourself.
Eric, are you talking about the birth image you sent this morning?
or another (??)? I haven’t sent you anything. xom
hey E – you have a pic of the self-pleasuring bike woman from the erotic museum, you spent time in amsterdam, did you go therein?
i just had fun with my wp login stuff… testing, 123… but, oops puts one back in line for moderation 🙂 so changing back… please ignore other login…
hey E – you have a pic of the self-pleasuring bike woman from the erotic museum there? you spent time in amsterdam; did you go therein?
i just had fun with my wp login stuff… testing, 123
m: you mean the tantric intentional language or twilight language by that, yes? to conceal…
… i was always “scared” of south america… finally went in 2001, just after towers came down for 5-6 weeks Oct/Nov timeframe… decided if my land was going to be bombed by my pres, i might was well go to original land of terrorism… oh my logic… had my most vivid alt experience during a rabid rain/lightening/thunder storm that flooded guest house on plaza in cusco… church there looks same as catholic church here… remarkable really…
i still hold a healthy respect for s. america, especially since i nearly died of altitude sickness (had flown from sea level directly up to heights) over by the isle of the sun and isle of moon on bolivian shores of titicaca… weird trip – amazing magic 4 sure…
Mystes what were you getting at, vis a vis that photo? ee
KristenB… the geography for the tradition that has been weaponized is here in the western hemisphere – Cauca valley in Colombia. But it’s not a linguistic accident that the capital is ‘Cali.’
As for silence and speech. . . you know what is sandhyabasa? I never leave the precincts.
mystes: breath holding you… yeah… tis interesting space… life doesn’t end without air, it just begins, aka the “thin place”
so magic traditions of the yogic order for your green man sweetie i saw photo of, eh… little art looksee… so much magic in/on/around tibetan plateau… power in any form hard to transcend, so can understand 500+ yrs… great little book came out 1-2 years ago now locally, nationally, tibetan folk tales boy trying to learn patience and holding tongue while charnal grounds spirit rides on his back telling him tales… many relating to harsh conditions, meanness of spirit, sex magic, etc… hmmm, what was name of that book… think i gave it away after reading it… but, the moral of all the stories in the end was “patience” and holding tongue in response…
i laugh in self-awareness as i type that word because that is my lesson in this go ’round… ain’t a taurean-scorpion for nutin’
yes to breathing … *and* to holding breath…
and being breathed . . . ala manley hopkins I think (try reading the Golden Echo while you are building the ride. . . there’s a reason that poor monk wrote in ‘sprung rhythm.’ )
(and then there’s the door between )
I remember seeing the bike at one of the museums we went to…and being “peed” on ala golden shower at one of them also!
Breathing correctly really takes you O so deep…expanding.
mystes: oops, i meant the erotic museum of amsterdam… hmmm, no photos of the self-pleasuring bike riding woman… twas an exhibit near the door… thought I snuck a photo of her, but can’t locate it… just the tinsel dildos window… maybe the meister e has a photo of her? there is another photo of a crank device… if not seen, check out the history book of sexual devices… i think still in print as it was in 1990’s.
[http://www.janot.com/ –erotic museum url]
holding breath at right moment makes O’s ooo-so, um…
Hey AnnaT… the research, writing and compilation of slideshows is mine; the art is my consort’s. The murder of the teacher Shabana snapped me out of my dithering. I am hoping Ambassador Holbrooke has enough sense to contact the Yoginis in the Kashmir region, but I am not holding my breath.
(come to think of it, I never hold my breath… but it has been known to hold me…)
“…click on my name…”
OK – Mystes, is this your life work/your art/your doctoral research/your…?/all of that?
Spent a few hours there.
Very intrigued. I’d like to be a student at your inner teachings universe-ity.
AnnaT
Completely off topic~
For several days I’ve been trying to find a place to ask an astrology question (but I usually pop in and out of here and there is always an interesting article to read and then I don’t have time to ask!) So I’m posting here since it is the “freshest” article.
I printed off my free chart as was recommended by a poster (thanks,I forget who suggested the site) and was reading about the different houses under the resources link, but I can’t seem to figure out which sign is in which house! (Horrible newbie, I know, but in some cases there seems to be two or something.) I was wondering if I sent it on to someone if you would mind helping me out a bit? I want to contact Eric for a consultation, but I want to have basic understanding of what I’ve got where before I do.
Thank you!!!
My email is muileag@yahoo.com if any of you would be willing to have me send you my chart.
Kristenb: seen the woman riding the bike at the amsterdam museum of sex? she cums on upstroke… ehem.
(guffah!) no, but I’ll head over there as soon as I finish a paragraph elsewhere.
As for the question re: nosebleeds in New Mexican bikewind. I should be so fortunate! But try sealing with inner roof of mouth pressure. tongue’s okay, finger’s better. back of the palate.
off to amsterdam…
back into it with The Onion – tooooo funny today
nose bleeds? does manual give instructions on how to address once in progress? cold biting wind biking – now real live crunchy blood bits – no irony here either 🙂
seen the woman riding the bike at the amsterdam museum of sex? she cums on upstroke… ehem.
Will try harder. love PT…
Just swing higher, doll. And try to cum on the upstroke. Don’t worry about the chthonos (earthtouching energy), it gets the backwave.
That should do it.
m
Noted. How fab, an operators manual! I can do instructions (sometimes). Will try harder. love PT
PT… “Oookaaaythen. But not too high – I’ll get a nose bleed. x”
Have I shown you the pressurized swingpods on this playground? Alleyoop!
PT… Operators manual: I have almost no irony in my written voice. One would think that I do, that I should since we’ve been born into an era when Irony is the intellectual drug of choice.
This deficit can get me and give me plenty of trouble. Such as when I thought Rachel’s spoof on Xtian Science Monitor was straight up.
But as I like to say: I’m more Oneiric than Ironic.
Oookaaaythen. But not too high – I’ll get a nose bleed. x
back at the astrology…
I just found out that my coming-of-age anthem, Sing in the Sunshine, was written by a Cancerian. Woohoo…
Kallinectes (beautiful swimmers) rising…
m
PT… no,nononononononon I was NOT laughing at you. I was serious. Seriously serious. I am such a dope sometimes I do NOT get the level at which this work must be carried out.
Come back. Please, here I’ll swing you… how high do you want to go?
Sigh…
m
…ahh you’re laughing at me. I knew this would happen! I know you know that – the list etc,. and that is the point – you know it. I think what I’m trying to say is that discussing monogamy and polyamory and tobermory and and….well, there’s a start point and that might not be it.
I’m not going to say any more now – that’s it. I’m not playing. Sniff.
mystes~”but honestly, I’ve got to go back to preschool.”
Preschool is where it’s at! Explore and express yourself whole-istically.
PT: Some people doing some self-development work might know something of the following, but speaking of people I know in my immediate world, and those whom I work with, they are not in touch with and/or do not know:- [amazing list follows…]
holy shit…
holy shit!
HS!!
Really? reallyreally? No… *really*???!
Now you see, this is why I have to finish Tantra for Bobos. I have written all of this advanced crap for practitioners at different levels (in the forms of artists monographs, mostly), but honestly, I’ve got to go back to preschool.
KristenB: ” even within two decades of witnessing … kisses”
I’ll take ’em!! thank you (and thanks for using ‘honey’ on dem kisses…)
This V’day was a stunner on many levels.
xo2u2
m
Eric, Mystes – This question of compulsion… it has been hitting me lately that it is oddly paired to authentic monogamous arrangements. Surely those who find monogamy comfortable, natural would be –or should be– appalled that it is associated with jealousy and the institutionalization of jealousy in our marriage codes.
It is like being Bataan-death-marched to Baskin-Robbins: “you will eat (only) vanilla, and ignore the taste of the gunbarrel you’re using as a spoon.”
Some people doing some self-development work might know something of the following, but speaking of people I know in my immediate world, and those whom I work with, they are not in touch with and/or do not know:-
why they choose monogamy.
why they get jealous.
what they are choosing and/or why.
that occasionally they are attracted to same sex.
why they avoid that.
that they don’t love themselves.
the extent of their need to control (of certainty)
themselves.
a lot of other things that are really important in making choices in their lives.
i just to comment… kitty showed up and has been enacting all these various behavioral traits from attention, to fight, to purr love, to exiting, to returning, to being jealous of typing on laptop…
love this cat! so instructive at perfect moments 🙂 gonna miss when i move… belongs to local hood so will stay as i move away
that’s really cool… handing out tools… very hard work, space…
he can wake up, if he wants… it’s his choice solely sweetie… even within two decades of witnessing crap… kisses
yeah, i’m in similar space… needing to move forward with consort, but without consort… massive confusion, boiling emotion… on lay buddhist path, not monastic buddhist path cause just when i get to shaving head and taking vows is probably when hottie will choose…
must remember, i have my own choices, including walking away from, everything…
Eric…” but the main box, compulsory heterosexuality and compulsory monogamy to basically optional anything. Authentic anything.”
This question of compulsion… it has been hitting me lately that it is oddly paired to authentic monogamous arrangements. Surely those who find monogamy comfortable, natural would be –or should be– appalled that it is associated with jealousy and the institutionalization of jealousy in our marriage codes.
It is like being Bataan-death-marched to Baskin-Robbins: “you will eat (only) vanilla, and ignore the taste of the gunbarrel you’re using as a spoon.”
Surely there is something to be done with this weirdness? Maybe a movement can come from *inside* those who are happily married to remove the stigma of compulsion from their playing field.
kristenb… but noting that you do desire something different for him than what he is choosing for himself… see?
Hmmm… It took a while to see this as ‘choosing for himself’ since I had a ringside seat for more than two decades to an international powerplay that is rooted in fairly big shit. Big as in 500 year old magickal lineages and the accumulation of power through generations of sexual repression. As in what can be accomplished through artwork, and how images of the body can reorganize entire political systems.
My job has been to hand the tools to those who were seeking to release the energy differently. To the wife’s lineage as well, when she’s ready to make that shift. We are working on a geographical, cultural and creative puzzle where each piece is moved by libidinal energy. To suddenly have a major source hogtied –like capping old Faithful– sent shock waves through a number of systems to which we are both responsible.
My reaction was short and intense, but not for a loss in the conventional, or even the unconventional sense. Might be easier to call it ‘confusion’ since so much was still rolling, but I couldn’t figure out how to do what came next without the consort.
Btw, his 20-year-old son stays within earshot at all times, so things are still cumming along. Though one could call it logos ovumatikos for the moment.
mystes: that’s cool, honey… no my broadening was not conditioned by formal buddhsim… had it long before… basic tenet – different strokes for different folks – but of course, one must be educated as to all the strokes available, or at least note: i’m coming from my own heart… how can anyone disagree with coming from one’s own heart?
and, i wasn’t commenting that you want to marry your consort… but noting that you do desire something different for him than what he is choosing for himself… see?
my pillow comment was how we all desire things for others that are not necessarily true for them…
Mystes – I hope she hears you too. I really do. Love love.
Poly is another cage, or it can be. It is often another form of chaos. Typically it is monogamy and all its trappings projected onto several relationships, in my view because the issues underlying why the Special Relationship is so difficult are never addressed; most of them being seeking completion in another, deep insecurity, and the unconscious fear of death (in its many forms).
For the most part, and I never identified with it, in reality…that is to say, I have rarely ever been in “conventional poly situations” and my choice as one in idea-based leadership of the polyamorous movement has been to assisting teach an alternative to jealousy (which is a control drama), and putting out a message about masturbation and selflove.
Some of my teaching and workshop colleagues over the years have been awesome and there have been moments when I felt we were bringing in, gradually and somewhat painfully, a new paradigm of relating that helps open up the concept of the Special Relationship. But on the whole, I have not been impressed. The relationship activity is just as compulsive and just as controlling – often more of both – in poly. Just as neurotic. So for many, in my observation, it is a step nowhere.
I believe that the vast majority of us are not actually monogamous and not actually heterosexual. This manifests as many ways as there are people, but the main box, compulsory heterosexuality and compulsory monogamy to basically optional anything. Authentic anything. We are all so heavily conditioned to be posers, and to shut up about what means something to us…to conceal our inner erotic and emotional lives from the people we are often the most “intimate with” – and here we have some huge zone for shadow to open up…and take root.
I do believe that it’s all about control. It smells like an electrical fire. It smells so disgusting I often wonder how and why anyone would live there. I remain on a journey of searching for some gender between the oppressed and the oppressor.
PT… “And I have seen the reaction you get!! ” thank youthankyou thankyou… I will listen more fiercely to where my voice might go… honestly, I didn’t hear the honey as condescending, but now I get it.
But the reaction from last week was SOOOOOO important. I don’t know if you remember my saying (back in June or July?) that I do my best writing during or after sex. It has to do with having the penis *inside* of me, where that takes me, and what kind of voice becomes available to me there. One of the reasons that my remarks about penises and labia hit such harsh spot was because of how I am trying to work that through for myself.
It took me a day or so to see it, but I really hope my interlocutor gets my meaning, and can have tolerance for the process.
Lovelove ,
M
Kristenb writes… “love is about letting go, letting each walk their path no matter how much we wish to feel their soft breath on our necks from adjacent pillow”
god no! I have *always* wanted him to be married to someone else, loved the fact that he was well-married in his first, and hoped for the best in this latest disaster. Our work is not romance, it is tantra: the sexual dynamo that refines and re-refines the cognitive and creative frameworks within which we (all) operate.
And this means we fuck inside of a structure of continuous ‘letting go.’ It’s the destruction of his sexuality I took some exception to. Well beyond my own bed, there are other things plugged into that sexuality that are suffering in unprecedented ways. I am now just witnessing, not lamenting.
(Thank you, old V)
M
Ha! ha! Mystes dare you say honey??!!! Oh I love you… I am laughing hard here. I know what you mean. Yes you dare. It’s true, there are times when I’ve thought to myself – please don’t say honey Mystes, please don’t, because sometimes it reads like a put down before you begin – even if you don’t intend it. And I have seen the reaction you get!! But on this occasion, I really appreciated the honey, honey. x
PT… “I hope you didn’t think I was doing any blaming there – wasn’t sure what you meant in your last para. But just in case, no blame coming from me.”
No, no (dare I say… ‘honey’?)… I was mostly talking to myself on the last two points. But I find it easy to keep assigning responsibility to the dom when the dom/sub game is clearly played by both.
and kristenb… if your ‘definition’ was broadened by formal buddhism, it probably *was* repressive, though I doubt you’ll want to hear that now. The temptation to power in religious structure is constant, and usually irresistible. Run while you can.
Here’s a moment of shameless self-promotion: if you want to see how far we made it before Nell was tied to the tracks, click on my name, then go to the slideshow ‘france as mandala.’
mystes & pt: yeah, the transfiguration process wherein death via any mode, even the surrender to fear, agression, manipulation, swinging female dicks indiscriminately is all a part of the diaspora which must be equally embraced imho in order to truly embrace the unknown for all participants and the paths they choose…
love is about letting go, letting each walk their path no matter how much we wish to feel their soft breath on our necks from adjacent pillow
font: i agree, authenticity… going to a few “poly” events recently, what i encounter most often are people who need a ‘reason’ to be outside monogamy, and certainly, this is the issue, monogamy does not really exist, so a sort of honesty is being approached, so the label, poly, gives them that space, which is important, but it says nothing about each individuals capability to honor, respect, listen, be mature in comm and generally truly love, witness, notice others… thus many are just or maybe even more disfunctional than others/system they are revolting against… for example, i met someone who took one look at me knowing my connections, barely could utter, hello, then disappeared and didn’t speak to me ever again…
what i would like to see is our move as a society to non-tribal behavior, and acknowledgement of individual need, want… but, this does take extraordinary personal commitment, and infinite lonely days and nights, to truly touch center, core of personal truth whether that be sexual orgy or desire to mate solely with a specific entity and be respected all along spectrum by everyone else
of course, i say this knowing full well how much i have been discriminated against as a women in high tech and scientific environments my entire life and how my pay has never been equal, ever, and how i have/was always treated as possession by lovers, both male and female…
so messages by which most humans have been habituated certainly need intervention, education
but often that education leads to similar end result; when folks are outcast for not being ‘exactly’ like another, even if that other is a leader in the “revolt towards the light”… an experience i had recently where my definition was defined and broader than an elders’… which momentarily smacked as same repression
So glad to hear you share that Mystes. And bless you for working with your close friend. And yes – academia seems to be freakin’ rife with them indeed!! Ha!!
Had I had more time (I’m writing a report at the moment that has to be in by tonight!) I would have added something about the ‘he is co-operating with the treatment’ thing. Or should I say for my chums male partners (also my lovely chums too), they are co-operating with the treatment. Agree with you there.
I hope you didn’t think I was doing any blaming there – wasn’t sure what you meant in your last para. But just in case, no blame coming from me. I love my emasculating friends and families (and their partners) very much and ‘recognise’ them. So that may tell you where I came from, where I went to next. Now here I am…
But, speaking from the heart, as I know no other way to speak, I won’t be complicit in what they are doing. I take the risk and help with their awareness, however, if it becomes a dangerous situation for me to be in or it leads to an abusive situation for me – and it has occasionally – I have to leave them to it. And that is a heartbreaker.
Thanks for the love. It’s all going in. xx’s to you too.
PT: where the female emasculates/controls the man? I know of 5 in my immediate circle – and that tells me that there has to be a lot more out there.
I’ve met plenty of women who have only partially integrated their own dicks and swing them around wildly – usually to the detriment of their male partners. Academia is freakin’ rife with them.
My principle consort (whom I have known for 33 years, been in a sexual relationship with for 29) is caught in the vise of one of those, but it is a situation he actually created and empowered. He ceded his creative powers, his wealth and his sexuality to the ‘wife,’ who figured out early on how to keep a level of submission and fear rolling so that he remains disoriented, reactive, complaisant to her demands.
I’ve spent the last nine years –in the studio mostly– trying to help him solve that riddle. For reasons that are entirely endogenous to that situation, he has decided to allow it to destroy him. I jumped in between him and the oncoming train last October, but V’day was spent talking to old Valentinus, and acknowledging that the dynamo that we are is composed of interactive autonomy. So. Let it roll.
There is a lot more at stake in that scene than just his life (I know that sounds cavalier, but believe me, it’s not) – as women’s power is trying to re-set itself from a different ground. The last project we worked on together –Meeting the Girl in the Bone Bikini– was precisely aimed at dismantling and repositioning the Inner Dick, and articulating a different vocation for that power.
Now –according to old Valentinus and others in my advisory committee– I have to proceed anyway, since my consort, and others like him, have sacrificed themselves to another aspect of this whole movement. It looks stupid to me, but, I am told, it is necessary.
I know this is a lot to take in, but bottom line is a) we’re working on it, and b) blame is not the View. Understanding the system is the View.
Love you, Paletiger, and your questing mind…
M
Oh – and the last thing they appear is goddess – they seem to have lost touch with that and it’s like they are obsessed with being male.
Fascinating stuff. Yes, yes and yes.
Then again – something missing here…just a tad stereotypical re monogamy. I mean, I am aware of those roles – been there myself once upon a time. With Saturn in the 8th, it seems that it has been a lesson I had to learn. But how many of you know monogomous couples where the female emasculates/controls the man? I know of 5 in my immediate circle – and that tells me that there has to be a lot more out there.
Um, these are supposedly ‘strong’, intelligent females who seem to have it all sorted. Seem to. (Of the friends/family I speak of, I believe at heart they are strong, but just don’t truly know it or believe it). Truth is, of course, that I don’t know, nor do I know the cause. Perhaps the early years and external influences ensured that they are disconnected from who they really are and what they really want or need (not that these last two are the same of course). Never mind that they believe they need a man, or marriage, to be ‘whole’ – there are plenty other demands they place upon themselves that they think they ‘should’ be doing to be ‘perfect’. The sadness being that few of these things are actually likely to bring them any happiness because they believe it’s all *out there* somewhere. Not a drop inside of them.
Anyway, while remaining in the dark about this and doing their darnedest to be brave, independent girls (who don’t need daddy or mummy, certainly not their love or approval, no, no, not in any way that…) they beat the crap out of their male partners – verbally or physically. Hard to let him actually get in (and I’m not talking into their vagina). And then sometimes, it’s such a total disappointment that these men are never strong enough, intelligent enough, sexual enough, fun enough, romantic enough, rich enough… They cannot fulfil the impossible standard. He chose her for a kick off – and nobody has chosen her before. That renders him a fuck up right away. Her belief. They do this right in front of me, tell me how fucking useless ‘he’ is, humiliates him, talks to him like he’s 5, while I’m sitting there. If I say nothing, I’m complicit. So I say something. It doesn’t change anything.
I notice something similar too in that the females come from their heads a lot. It’s all about theory and intellect. Very little from their heart. Huge barrier, huge distance. Hard for them to say, ‘I don’t know’, hard for them to get it wrong, hard for them to make fools of themselves, hard to laugh at themselves, hard to take risks that haven’t been completely calculated beforehand, hard to let go, hard to be vulnerable, hard to say how they really do feel…
Yes – I think these so-called monogamous relationships can be tipped on their head and go the other way. It just isn’t all that simple.
Authenticity…that’s what I was driving at, thanks!
Polyamory has become or is well on the way to becoming another box within which to be caged. There is a definite trend of monogamous folks who whip themselves back into denial ridden relationships in order to avoid growth and change just as there are, on balance, an even percentage of polyamorous folks who avoid the same kind of growth. The question might be one of commitment to things like life, liberty and happiness. I think it’s a question of commitment to authenticity and things like that.
I’m all for polyamory. I mean, if it feels healthy for those who are engaged in this practice, than it is fine with me! I guess I’m just not wired this way though…or maybe just never in a situation that this has come up.
I do practice polyamory in some ways I guess: I have had a succession of lovers, was/am married to a few of them, and have been emotionally involved/sharing myself with another while in a “monogamous” relationship (such as being married, but learning/growing/sharing myself in a meaningful way with anothe person outside of that marriage).
Yet, the few times that there was potential for actual sex through these “extra” relationships, I found myself not participating for several reasons.
For example, this past summer I spent the day with a wonderful friend that I have shared a lot of myself with through conversations. I have developed a love for him in which I appreciate what he has shared with me, and what I have learned about myself through this friendship. This particular day we started “making out” on a river bank, a perfect setting for pleasurable sex, but all of a sudden I looked up into the clouds and felt an acute sense of NOT wanting sex with him, for several reasons.
I was “desperate” for sex at the time…not just the physical exchange, but for a deeper connection with another person, to share myself with an actual person, so of course I was turned on. My husband and I have had a horrendous few years, and real exchange through sex has been virtually non-existent. So, I could have had sex with this man, I’ve had “meaningless” sex in the past, but I didn’t want sex just for sex, I didn’t want to have sex with him because he wants more from me than I feel/than I can give him and didn’t want to add this dimension, but mostly because staring up into the sky I wanted my husband.
So, polyamory…ok. Meaningless sex (for me, in my definition)…no. I would have felt like I was “using” this guy…like my dildo, and he means a lot more to me than that. Probably he wouldn’t have minded “being used” (he has said so), but I would have felt some negative residue, so where’s the positivity in that?
What was the meaning of this ramble? Guess trying to express my desire that all of us humans engage in “healthy” love…which can be expressed in so many ways; without limits, but purposefully, consciously…with or without another person or with several…as long as it is what you really want, not as a substitution for something else.