Wham, Bam, It’s Hookup Man

By Maria Padhila

Do you have more orgasms from one-time hookups, or from sex in a long-term relationship? I think your answer in the comments would be just as valid and probably, given our demographic and general level of expressive skills around these parts, more interesting than the New York Times blog entry that generated a discussion on just that topic all over the Internets last week.

Poly Paradise at Burning Man. Photo by Eric.
Poly Paradise at Burning Man. Photo by Eric.

“In Hookups, Inequality Still Reigns,” by Natalie Kitroeff in the New York TimesWell science blog looked to research and anecdotes professing that women find it more difficult to come when they’re in a quickie or one-night stand with a man.

I’m making this one clear in advance: this blog post will revert to heteronormative terminology just to keep from blowing my word count. We’re talking straight men and straight women who identify squarely in their respective typical gender.

But I’d like to say that as happy as I was to see this research, any sex research, being done and discussed in public forums, it’s not enough — we need to get similar work done beyond the cisgender barriers. How about a study on Lesbian Bed Death, for instance (a popular term for the phenomenon in which women in long-term relationships not only don’t have more orgasms, they lose all desire whatsoever)?

So here are some facts and figures from the article:

Research involving 600 college students led by Justin R. Garcia, an evolutionary biologist at the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University, and researchers at Binghamton University found that women were twice as likely to reach orgasm from intercourse or oral sex in serious relationships as in hookups. The paper was presented at the annual meeting of the International Academy of Sex Research and at the Annual Convention for Psychological Science this year.

Similarly, a study of 24,000 students at 21 colleges over five years found that about 40 percent of women had an orgasm during their last hookup involving intercourse, while 80 percent of men did. The research was led by Paula England, a sociologist at New York University who studies the dynamics of casual sex.

By contrast, roughly three quarters of women in the survey said they had an orgasm the last time they had sex in a committed relationship.

While the article itself was fairly straightforward, the flurry of commentary that followed allowed people to bring up any number of old tropes:

• Women need love and commitment to come
• Women are the ones who feel emotion, and men just don’t care
• Women take a long time to come, for physical reasons
• Men watch too much porn, and it destroys them
• Men are a bunch of bros who don’t care about nobody
• The young folks are all “hooking up” too much and that didn’t happen in my day
• Women are hooking up in hopes of finding true love and getting their hearts broken

And much, much more! It sounds like one of those K-Tel Record Collection ads, and it’s just as dated. I’d really like to hear your comments and reactions, so I’ll just share a few of mine.

First, the physical reaction: what grabbed my attention was the link headline, “women find orgasms elusive.” I’m always tickled by the characterization of the female orgasm as a shy, mysterious creature, like a springtime forest fawn, or the Chupacabra. This gives me an idea for an X-Files-type show about stalking the female orgasm, and it would be so great if Gillian Anderson could star. Just that concept alone could make a few female orgasms less elusive, if you know what I mean (and I think you do).

I’m also thinking of a Marge Piercy novel in which the heroine feels like she needs to apologize to her fellow feminists for being able to have an orgasm through penis-in-vagina contact alone. Some do, and more power to them, which doesn’t mean less power to those who have them any other way.

Another missing piece: just because it’s less likely for a woman to get off during a quickie doesn’t mean that women in long-term relationships are all getting off. If there are problems with communication, stating what you want, doing what you want — these can all exist years into a long-term relationship as well, depending on the people involved. Time and proximity can heal a lot, but these can also add bricks to the wall. Ever ignored an issue in a relationship and hoped it would fade away, and as it sort of did, did you watch any hope of resolving it fade along with it?

Then again, time can be counted on to make some communication imperative. Through relationships with people (including myself) with long-term physical and health issues, and through relationships with people (including myself) of a certain age, you learn that it becomes very difficult not to come right out with what you want and what’s bothering you. You know, time is running out — don’t be shy. On a simpler level, once you are past 40, you are not expecting everything to be a porn movie (though it’s fine having an ideal to reach for). For instance, from the New York Times article:

Vanessa Martini, 23, from Marin County, Calif., learned early on that most men she slept with casually would not intuit her needs.

“I haven’t hooked up with anybody who was so cavalier as to just, like, not even care,” she said. “But I think most of them were somewhat baffled that it would require more than just them thrusting.”

Ms. Martini said she was never taught how to have good sex, let alone how to ask for what she needs. The education she received in school was aimed at stopping teenagers from having sex at all; there wasn’t much discussion of arousal. Ms. Martini said most cultural representations of sex left out the messy details.

“The way we view sex in porn and in movies and in books, people aren’t talking to each other like, ‘Oh, my foot’s falling asleep, we need to move,’” she said.

I wholly applaud these women for speaking out and using their names. It’s another indication that we’re really getting there — we can actually talk, here. And she perfectly identifies the problem: it’s not a sex issue, it’s not a relationship issue per se. It’s a matter of education and communication. What’s a girl to do? At least when I was young, I could learn from books, which I think have a bit more realistic depiction than today’s porn. But even with all the great sex and relationship advice columns, podcasts, videos and presentations out there, the complaint of these young people in the articles is that they get no education beyond porn.

The whole time I was reading, I wondered: “What about the men?” And the next day, an article in Salon helped answer that question, “Dudebros are sexually confused,” by Katie McDonough.

I’m no men’s right’s activist — they’re tiresome and limited in imagination and argument through their constant sense of bruised privilege. And dudes/bros/jocks have been the “types” to cause my own sexuality the most damage, in every way from direct physical assault to attempts at shame and humiliation, to devaluing in the workforce. Yet I still can’t see the kind of all-out open season on “bros” that’s happening without speaking up. This article looks at how this situation hurts men, too:

“The way we set up this conversation is often a very binary way of approaching and thinking about sex,” Joshua Rosenberger, assistant professor of global and community health at George Mason University, told Salon. “We say, ‘Oh, women are not experiencing pleasure in the same way as men,’ and it brings with it the assumption that men are enjoying sex all of the time and these other hypermasculine stereotypes about pleasure.” …

And men can be equally terrified of it. That real sex — with an actual person! — would be intimidating to young guys who may have only been exposed to it through porn seems like common sense, but men’s feelings of vulnerability or inadequacy are almost entirely absent from the popular discourse. And since the culture is mostly silent on men’s lack of sexual education, so, too, are plenty of men.”

What’s happening because of this lack of education is unfair from either side of the straight divide. Men have long been encouraged to “outsource” their emotions to women, and women have sucked this up as a sort of invisible privilege. Yes, sister, we are the only ones who care, who love, who pine. But I can tell you that access to the deep feelings of a man — of any fellow human — is a privilege and a treasure. It’s what we’re here for. And if men are shut off from participating in that exchange, they’re being robbed of a birthright.

I’ve been married to Isaac for almost 18 years, and I’m still finding things out about him. (That sounded odd. But it’s good! I mean in a fun, sex way, not in a babydaddy-in-three-neighboring-counties way.) Just a few minutes ago, he was stretching out on the floor before a workout, and talking with me about his love for me and for our daughter and how he has been handling his emotions as she gets older and he gets more worried. The other night I said something to Chris about us being well past the three-year mark when passion and New Relationship Energy is said by researchers to die a natural death. If I want to smile, I think about him growling low into my ear, as we sat on the couch watching a movie: “Don’t give me that three-year shit. I love you.”

Long-term or short-term, friend for a night or an eternity — even the simplest hookup can still be a full-spectrum experience. But the people involved have to have access to every color in the box.

Encouraging men to outsource their emotions buttresses a sort of female privilege, one we ought to know is not any good for us. Early feminists had to fight the image of the “angel in the house” who was too pure for politics and therefore shouldn’t vote. And the next question has to be: Who benefits? Who gets something out of young men being turned into emotionless robot dudebros?

Well, if they don’t care about anything but domination, competition and scores, it’s easier to get them to work in a heartless banking system that bunches mortgages together according to arcane formulas and accepts the fact that the bros’ bottle service at the strip clubs is being financed by families being foreclosed. (Wall Street is the worst of bro culture.) It makes it easy to get them to go out on a football field and risk brain injury. It makes it easy to get them to practice politics as a game, and pass life-altering legislation and practice dirty dealings to undermine an opponent. It makes it easy to get them to go to war, or to develop weapons for war, or to develop reasons for war.

About 50 years ago, we started seeing a revolution for men. They were claiming their feelings, their sexuality, and their fullness along with their long hair. Like other revolutions of that time, it’s under fire. Men fighting for their full humanity is a war I’d like to see.

15 thoughts on “Wham, Bam, It’s Hookup Man”

  1. “And as for the odds of attaining the orgasm from cunnilingus, that would seem to depend entirely on who is doing the cunnilinging.”

    Not to mention the receiver’s preferences: not all women like cunnilingus because maybe they get off via other stimulation that they prefer. Everyone is so different and unique.

  2. Maybe I was lucky but having a lot of “one night stand” sexual encounters in my early 20’s meant having a lot of very enjoyable sex with no commitment. I didn’t need commitment to get off; masturbation had shown me that and I had been masturbating to orgasm since I was 4. I didn’t find the guys to fit the stereotype, either. They often laughed, had fun, or got serious during the sex but all were willing to do what I asked. Masturbation had taught me what I needed to orgasm so I just asked them and they readily complied; I did the same for them.

    Sometimes I felt this deep sense of love or compassion outpouring as from one human to another but not via commitment. I just felt it and imagined my compassion being conducted through my body to theirs. Not all the time and it wasn’t necessary for me to orgasm, either.

  3. I love this idea: “But the people involved have to have access to every color in the box,” and am currently appreciating the real and varied ways in which we can lose access to those colors. Having full access would indeed be a gift — and a worthwhile goal — in all areas of a person’s life.

  4. Research involving 600 college students led by Justin R. Garcia, an evolutionary biologist at the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University, and researchers at Binghamton University found that women were twice as likely to reach orgasm from intercourse or oral sex in serious relationships as in hookups.

    I am just marveling at how ludicrous this language is. The whole “reaching orgasm” thing evokes “finding the clitoris” from South Park. What is a “serious” relationship? One where nobody laughs? That doesn’t sound good for orgasmic prospects. What is a hookup? Connecting your Nissan Leaf to the power grid? Why is there a strict dichotomy between nobody laughing and connecting the car to a plug? Does nobody have friendly sex?

    One other thing. Is the goal of all relationships and hookups attaining the orgasm? If the choices are so different, why do they have the same goal? What’s this bit about calculating the odds? Are you supposed to think: OK, this is not a serious relationship. My chances of attaining the orgasm are 50% what they might be. I may have to try twice as hard or fuck twice as many people. Or, really? I just increase my chances onefold by having a “serious” relationship? That’s not very good.

    And as for the odds of attaining the orgasm from cunnilingus, that would seem to depend entirely on who is doing the cunnilinging.

  5. Hey Maria! In the world of science ‘the number of orgasms’ per sexual encounter question is easily measureable; but if was designing a survey I would ask ‘eyes open or closed?’ and what sort of lighting, full light? low light? in the dark? All best…

  6. We take care of ourselves and each other.

    We learn what it is we need in order to thrive. In our self-care, and nurturance and care of others, we evolve into a state some might call love or grace, but even calling it the simple state of kindness prevents us from walking about indifferent and unfeeling. We support, encourage, guide, learn with, and grow with, so that it becomes our natural state to thrive. We embrace the capacity to create that is in within each and every one of us; and we choose to create the very best we are able. We learn to live in the zone.

  7. Sully! Bravo and so pleased for you. Here’s hoping you can consolidate and have the intimacy you deserve in every encounter, henceforth!

    The most rewarding experience involves much more than visceral pleasure and self-abandonment (they will take you only so far). When there is mystery and the desire to discover something new.. as well as patience and truly ‘touching’ a partner then you are in the zone.. and when you lose that?

  8. I’m about to turn 50 and have had limited and frustrating sex as an adult, due mainly to gross abuse in my childhood. A few weeks back a man 18 yrs my junior gently propositioned me. It took a while to agree, but it may be the best decision I ever made. Neither of us have had sex like this before. Telling each other what we want and showing how to do it. Foreplay is a revelation to him. Orgasm is a revelation for me. Shared masturbation is an ecstatic joy. This affair won’t last long, but the effect on both of us has been profound. If only everyone understood the power good sex has to transform us into different and better people.

  9. The unconsciousness with which I have experienced so much sex shocks me, now that I know differently. I was so separated from my body, my voice, my feelings, that I didn’t even think to ask if I should be satisfied too — and what kind of satisfaction was the satisfaction that I was witnessing in my partners anyway? Nowhere near as much as I now see is possible.

    I reached my forties having only had sex with two partners; I approach 43 having had sex with, oh, perhaps ten or twelve. The older I get, the more narrow my options, I have learned. And I wouldn’t choose otherwise.

    I don’t want unthinking, unfeeling encounters where I cannot ask for what I want, cannot ask for what I feel. But, sheesh, it is a stance that has been – and continues to be – one that accepts no less than the brutal truth … and how often do we get told that that is acceptable?

  10. Thank you, Maria. I really appreciate what you have put together here. All best…

    Thank you as well, wandering_yeti. I heard recently that forever is only a short time, and that waiting with trust and faith has its own rewards. All best…

  11. “About 50 years ago, we started seeing a revolution for men. They were claiming their feelings, their sexuality, and their fullness along with their long hair. Like other revolutions of that time, it’s under fire. Men fighting for their full humanity is a war I’d like to see.”

    The soft overcomes the hard most of the time. Sorry if my fight isn’t loud enough to show up on Empire’s radar, but I’m there. I’ve been solo for a looooong time in human years, but I’ve discovered that just because I ejaculate doesn’t mean I’m enjoying what I’d call an orgasm. Shutting off our feelings also disconnects us from our bodies. Us? what’s us? The man program that says “I am” in the front of the brain. Emotions are physical events. The mental pictures and word spells only exist upstairs. By shutting off our emotions we shut off our sense of the world beyond our skins.

    I don’t think any gender is getting the kind of orgasms I’m talking about on a regular basis. It only happens to happy individuals who do things other than the people around them and only then when their habits hit upon a pattern that leads to whole body orgasms. Empire people can’t relax. If you can’t relax, sorry no orgasm.

    I suppose I’m solo because I find it hard to relax around people. Or at least I used to. Now I’m so used to being solo I make it hard for people to get to know me. I stand aloof from the crowd. Sorry, I have a really sensitive qi field and Americans are fucking intense. Seize the day! Woa, Cesar: grab life by the throat like that you might kill it. I don’t make it impossible for people to get to know me. I have lots of friends. But I haven’t negotiated sex with anyone but myself and invisible friends in almost 10 years. I don’t crave partner sex like I used to. Maybe because I’m sensitive enough that the relationships I have are already stimulating enough.

    I fancy I’d enjoy partner sex if it happened, but I’m not inclined to seek it out and don’t remember how to negotiate for it. Even if I did remember my old ways were part of my old self who had a bent and twisted spine, shallow breath, and a horrid attitude problem. I was a highly sensitive human trying to be a good bro, a good American and hurt myself thereby.

    I’ve been living on faith for awhile now. It’s a tactic of the poor on one angle. Without money I can’t just command my desires to line up in a row. I have to wait for things and do what I can with more time than money at my call. My progressed Venus just turned direct last December and my life as an artist has been steadily emerging from the 13 years of art damage I undertook trying to find my sea legs with my ascendant’s ruler gone from Aquarius to Capricorn. Maybe I’ll have to wait forever unless I take the reigns and manipulate a woman into loving me. So what? I don’t mind waiting. It’s not like I don’t have plenty of things to do.

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