Millions Gather as Gollum is Named Roman Catholic Saint

VATICAN CITY, ITALY (Associated Press) — Pope Francis today took the unprecedented step of canonizing a fictional character: Gollum, the twisted, distorted former hobbit from The Lord of the Rings, who betrayed Frodo Baggins many times before ultimately leading him to the cracks of doom so that he could fulfill his mission.

Gollum will now be known as St. Smeagol the Innocent.
Gollum will now be known as St. Smeagol the Innocent.

An estimated 4.6 million of the faithful gathered in St. Peter’s Square, where they witnessed the solemn and rarely-performed Mass of Canonization, which was photographed by approximately 3,000 professional photographers and paparazzi from every country in the world, all of whom were prohibited from using Nikon cameras.

Of his choice to make a fictional character into a saint, the charming, ever-popular Pope Francis turned his back to the crowd, bowed his head and said, “Est temporibus nostris. Necesse est facere idem,” which is Latin for, “It is modern times. We must do things differently.”

A sign language translator standing on the Papal balcony translated for the massive crowd, believed to be the largest in Vatican history. But investigators who watched the video later determined that he was doing the Hand Jive.

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