PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN hanging around Planet Waves for a few years or longer have no doubt noticed that the Web page is becoming more marketing savvy. The word is "salesy." Everywhere you look, there's now a marketing link, enticing you to subscribe to the weekly service (including my weekly horoscope) that was spun off as a separate product about a year ago. Yes, it takes a lot of work to produce all those sales materials -- the pitches, the forms, the constant revisions of the Web site to look for distractions, confusing elements, potential turnoffs, itty bitty problems that might cost a sale, and so on.

I would estimate I invest about 30 hours a week into various marketing projects. I would much rather put that time and life force into writing about all that good stuff that we both know is great to "get out there" and that's so much fun to write.

The real heck of it is that I get bored telling everyone how great I am. Personally I think it's obvious that I'm dedicated to doing a good job and to learning every day. I offer something valuable and helpful, a source of reassurance and empowering information, and a voice encouraging freedom. That should be enough, right?

But the laws of marketing say I have to tell people over and over that I'm the most fabulous thing ever, convincing you that the Western world would come to a halt without me, and that President Bush himself subscribes to the large-type edition, just so you (the potential customer) will hear it, and hear it above all the other noise in the marketing universe.

Part of the challenging of selling Planet Waves is that a) it's usually easier to sell things that shut down awareness rather than raise awareness and b) the usual things people respond to are negative strokes: attacks on their self-esteem, fear, competition-provoking emotions and so on. Most astrology services either sell fear or promise true love, wealth and happiness if you buy their report.

As if the psychology of marketing were not complex enough, there are other realities with which one must contend. When one advertises anything, one is not just competing against one's peers. Before the Internet, people were exposed to about five thousand ads a day -- before Spam and banner ads. It's understood in marketing that Nike™ competes against Coke™ which competes against Viagra™ which competes against those crispy snack crackers that The Onion once reported would "ease the crushing pain of modern life," and then you click on one of my marketing hype specials I took all day to write, wherein I attempt to convince you that I'm the New Age Larry King... the Oprah of the Stars... the very Bugs Bunny of sun-sign astrology.

Understatement is nice, but in the supersized extreme tall-extra tall-super grandé world of superlatives and 99 cent jumbo whoppers, the subtle, that which does not assault the senses, is easily lost or taken for granted.

Personally, as a consumer, I would just rather pay my money for something authentic and skip the fireworks (and the manipulation). I would rather let an astrologer and essayist work on their real writing and not have to become a Madison Ave. kind of guy. But is the world ready for the "new marketing" -- the low-key approach which speaks for itself -- or must I inform everyone that the very president of the Sedona, Arizona Chamber of Commerce thinks I'm the hottest astrologer for several miles?

My marketing gurus say that I have to use a lot of testimonials. Endorsed by the Lord Governor of Slutsborough! Certified by The New York Times and even The New York Post! The official astrology newsletter of the Crown Prince of Liechtenstein! (Americans love references to royalty, they say. Here's some more. Planet Waves Weekly is read in Burger Kings and Dairy Queens across America!)

Following the laws of marketing, I must therefore compel you, with my superior rhetoric and my gift of gab (as Aunt Josie called it), to feel that you should pity the fools who don't have a subscription. I must post testimonials from scores of clients and readers, and quote my feather-fin tetras, my hamster and my neighbor's boxer to show that there is consensus about what a great guy I am. They all agree, plus or minus four percent margin of error.

Earlier this year, I set a modest company goal of selling one additional subscription per day. With that bold ambition, we started looking carefully at everything we do, and began a total revamp of the Web pages. We incorporated and joined the Newsletter & Electronic Publishers Association and started to study marketing, and enlisted Tracy (down the street from where the Beatles got their start, for good luck) to start reading every astrology web page ever stuck to an HTML server (she's gotten to 2.5 million of the 2.6 million there are, just 100,000 to go, Tracy! Keep clicking! You can do it!).

As for that one extra subscription per day: I'd love for today's to be you. As Planet Waves Weekly matures into a full-scale web service, you're going to get more and more for your money, and right now, it's the best astrology service in the known universe, so it's already shockingly outrageously phenomenally fantastic.

And not only that. We have just redone our credit card portal; it's the very best one ever created in human history -- have a look. It's just so amazing you won't believe your eyes. And our marketing research tells us you've considered subscribing six times in the past three months; you can do it for as little as $6.95 using Paypal, pay as you go, you won't regret it, you know, my astrology has this magic spell on it which creates awesome benefits in the lives of those who read it regularly. Just ask President Bush.

So just do it; subscribe. Don't worry about it. You'll love Planet Waves Weekly, and take it from me, I'm hot these days, cause when the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.

And, now that I'm finished being the world's most brilliant astrologer and social critic for the day, I have some marketing hype to write. But it'll be the best damn marketing hype you've ever read, or my name's not Eric Francis. Remember that. Eric Francis.

The Man.

Humbly,

Eric Francis
Planet Waves, Inc. Chief of Marketing Strategy